DS1 has died

[endofthelinefinally]

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

Oh endof no wonder you are anxious. You know better than anyone how bad things can get.

I hope you are able to lean on someone

Every morning I wake up thinking I have to get through another day.
2 of my close friends have recently lost their husbands to cancer. Both the same age as DH - early 60s.
Another lovely friend - a fellow bereaved parent - is coping with a serious diagnosis and is 10 years younger than me.
My neighbour has just lost her adult child.
I feel as if the world is imploding.
I am so afraid of something awful happening to DH or my other DC.
My brain can't cope with it all.
That is before I consider the implications of my own illness.
Some days I can't speak because I don't even want to begin.
I don't know if any of that makes any sense.
Just trying to hang onto the plot, and failing.

It does make sense endof. There is sadly a lot of suffering in the world, and the old “bad things happening to good people” just isn’t fair and so hard to make sense of.

What’s that cliche about grief.....it being the price we pay for love. And there is so much love in the world too. I do realise that can be of little comfort when you’re so low/anxious/depleted.

Hang in there

What am I going to do with all his books? I keep going in and looking round his room. Then I can't bear it and have to come out again.

I'm still going through Will's stuff 4 and half years later. I gave away lots of his books but I'm keeping the ones that were his favourites. If there are ever any grandchildren I'd like to pass them on.

My other son has taken some of them too - I hope they give him some comfort.

I'm still stuck on his school books and loads of things. I haven't kept lots of my living son's stuff so I always feel guilty keeping some stuff of one child and not of the others.

I think you just have to wait until the time is right for you to deal with. One day you will walk in to his room and know what to do with it. And if you don't maybe you will notice a shift and you may find they give you comfort.

It's such a terribly sad and fragile road we tread. Xxx

I don't know why I find the books so distressing tbh. I managed to box up all his clothes and shoes. I think maybe it is because he was working and studying so hard for his future and now that has gone. He had new books that he hadn't even read. That is what really, really upsets me.

Again, it makes perfect sense that the books are distressing for you - they represent the hopes and dreams for the future that your son and you had for him. This is one thing that makes losing a young person so hard - those lost hopes, and their future lives .

As min says, I think don’t put any pressure to do anything with his books or other belongings until you feel ready. There is is no timetable for these things.

Sending love x

Thank you for listening.

Loads of us here, listening to you and crying with you and wishing things were so different for you and at a loss as to what to say xx

Thinking of you.

Coming up to the 3rd Christmas.
It doesn't get any easier.

No it doesn’t get any easier but eventually a kind of acceptance of the new “normal” creeps in .
Your recent post was not highlighted as you have put a capital E at the start of your name . I wouldn’t want any of your posts missed .
Will be thinking of you .

Thank you Trumpton.

Thinking of you all 

Great that you are seeking support from Samaritans and on here,
hope you have someone nearby to lean on irl

I will be spending Christmas with DH, DS2 and DD.
I won't see the rest of the extended family because I can't cope with the fact that DS1 is not there.
I know they miss us, but I can't be the person spoiling it for everyone else.
I just had to attend another wedding (DH's extended family) and could barely hold it together.
It is so, so hard.
I think about him every day.
I miss him so much.
I can't bear the fact that he died alone.

Christmas is such a hard time, you’ve got to do whatever to get you through, even though I’m sure you either wouldn’t be spoiling it, or they wouldn’t mind you spoiling it.

I can see why a wedding would be agony too. .

So hard for you. So hard to find any suitable words to remotely make anything better. Keeping putting one foot in front of the other is the best you can do at times.

endof you are describing every mother's nightmare. I wish so much it was different for you.

I am having an ok day with DH, DS2 and DD. So sad DS1 isnt here. I still cant believe he is gone.
I will be glad when today is over. I cant cope with people wishing me a merry Christmas.

Wishing you a peaceful day endof. Christmas, and any family occasion, is that much harder when you have a child missing. I'm trying to allow myself to enjoy the happy moments, but it's hard and the guilt is heavy.

Love to you and your family x

Thinking of you both endof and minnoch xx

minmooch sorry

Hi endof and minmooch I/we are living the same nightmare as you we lost our DS1 (31) in April and am having the same feelings, ok at times but sobbing at times as well and feeling guilt for laughing

sorry I seem to have killed the thread

I'm so sorry for your loss @simonisnotme I can't imagine how you've got through Christmas.