DS1 has died

[endofthelinefinally]

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

18 months is such a long time to be without your son. How we carry on I have no idea but we do. And we miss them so.

Almost 2 years.
I sat in the garden today remembering how much he loved the sunshine.
I remembered how much he loved to play outside, all the happy times spent out there with his friends and his brother over the years.
It is so quiet now.

I still haven't sorted out his room.
There are 4 new books he bought from Amazon, still in the delivery box on his desk.
Nobody will read them. Too highbrow and difficult for me.
There are paintings stacked on the floor that I really should put up on the wall, but I can't face it.
I miss him.

it's good to focus on the happy memories

Of course you miss him. You don't ever stop nor would we want to stop missing them.

Big hugs. I still find it hard to comprehend that the days and weeks and months and now years go by and he's not here. Living life alongside grief is tiring but happiness too can live alongside. I never believed that could be.

Sometimes it just hits me all over again that he is gone.
It is overwhelming and I just feel so anxious and grief stricken all over again.
I feel as if other people have all moved on and they expect me to be getting over it.
I will never get over it.
I just have some really, really bad days.

I'm sure you won't get over it. I often think of you and wonder how you are. My heart breaks for you 💐

Thank you all for your kindness.
I am just having a bad time at the moment. Have been pretty unwell so difficult to distract myself.
DH is trying to plan a holiday but also making a list of all the things I can no longer do. It all gets a bit much sometimes.

It's still early days. Be kind to yourself. If you don't feel comfortable sorting out his room don't do it, it doesn't matter. One day you'll want to but only you can decide when that is. I was 5 years into grieving for my daughter before I could contemplate interfering with any of her stuff.

Almost 2 years.

I just try to keep going.

I think of you and your son often.

Do you want to talk about him?

Thank you for your kind thoughts, thecatfromjapan.
I couldn't sleep last night. I think about him and feel so sad for the loss of everything he could have become.
There is this massive hole in our family now.
But his death has meant that our other dc have left home and struggle to come back to visit.
DH is coping much better than me. I am lost.

I am sorry you are struggling endof. It's taken me probably all this time (4 and half years) to start feeling comfortable with my other son being at home without Will. The hole they leave is as horrendous for us as for their siblings. My living son is just beginning to find his own happiness, guilt free. It takes a long time.

I don't know how we do it to be honest.

2 years is such early days. Be kind to yourself x

Minmooch, I think of you a lot and wonder how you are doing.
I think of all the people on this thread, the mothers, who are so wise and kind. The pain and grief we share.
This thread got me through some very, very dark days.
When I am feeling really down I can come here for support and for that I am so grateful.

Sending love endof , to you and your dh and your children
You sound like a lovely family, your son sounds like he was very much loved. I am so sorry this happened to you all, it's not fair.

Ive just read this entire thread with such sadness. I have three small children and just cannot imagine what you have been going through - and continue to go through. I have lost someone very dear to me (although not a child, that’s incomparable) and I understand the feeling that people expect you to have moved on / not talk about them anymore.

I’m sure everyone on this thread would agree when I say that you have many ears here to listen; if you want to talk about your son, however many months or years on, we are all here xx

2 years.

hello OP.
You may not know but there are some of us on here who watch, read and remember, and think of you and your son not just at this time of the year but other times too.

We can't begin to understand but we are always here with a listening ear and like to hear about you and how you're doing.

I'm so sorry. The anniversaries are shit. Marking a passage of time that is incomprehensible.

Thinking of you, your boy and the rest of your family xxx

Thank you.
It means a lot.
Someone I thought was a good friend hasn't been in touch.
DS's so called god father hasn't been in contact since DS died.
I have certainly found out who my friends are. Including someone who is going through hell at the moment but still found time to message me. Bless her.

I'm sorry that people you love or think loved you have let you down. It's another hurt on top of already too much hurt.

A group of DS's friends are coming to see us next week.
I am looking forward to cooking for them.
They were all at primary school together. So lovely that they are willing to make the effort.

It's lovely you can welcome them endof it will mean a lot to them too. X

They loved him and they all spent happy hours in our home. I remember them all since they were about 8. As they grew up they used to congregate at our house. I would come home from work and find a massive pile of trainers in the hall. And usually a pile of pizza boxes.

Another sleepless night.
It is mostly the anxiety. I don't know why because the worst has already happened.

Oh I feel for you endof

Anxiety is not uncommon in this situation, and sadly same about feeling let down by other people. It really can be frightful.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other as best you can. Look after yourself and have compassion for yourself.

I hope you can find some periods of rest and calm in amongst the nightmares. So sorry x