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Bereavement

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Original poster

DS1 has died

729 replies

endofthelinefinally · 29/08/2016 22:25

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 17/09/2016 22:50

Your arms must be so empty, endof.

Have long hug from me - no substitute, I know, but all I can offer.
Good night.

BelleEtoile · 17/09/2016 23:32

Thinking of you Endof xxx

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 19/09/2016 16:17

Final piece of music chosen.

The funeral is on Saturday.

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Kr1stina · 19/09/2016 16:43

Well done, I'm sure it's been a lot of time and tears to arrange everything .

How's DS2 ? Is DDd coming back from university at the weekend ?

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 19/09/2016 16:56

DS2 seems a little better.
DD coming home Friday.

I am shattered.
Very very tearful and dreading the cremation.
Dreading how to get through the rest of my life, to be honest, but I know my DH and my other DC need me.

I am blessed with a very close extended family. We have had so much tragedy and adversity in our lives we have needed to be. Sad

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Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 19/09/2016 16:59

DS1's friends have been amazing.
What a wonderful group of people.
So kind, thoughtful, practical and well organised.

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sausagefest · 19/09/2016 17:02

I think you are doing magnificently. Just to be up and functioning.

Picking apples and making crumble is amazing.

It's a cliché but one day at a time. Try not to think about the rest of your life. Far too difficult.

I will be thinking of you on Saturday. I hope this isn't inappropriate (if so I'm sorry) But I lit a candle for your ds at a beautiful little church I sometimes pop in to.

I'm glad to hear ds2 seems a little better. You sounded so worried about him. How is dd?

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 19/09/2016 17:10

DD was doing well, but unfortunately flatmate, although lovely, has turned out to be the sort that leaves the kitchen and bathroom filthy and eats all the food.

This is really the straw that broke the camel's back for poor DD who is already dealing with everything else. She is working very hard - it is a very busy, demanding course, and seems to be doing all the shopping, cooking, cleaning as well. It is a bit much to come home after a tough day and have to scrub the kitchen and wash up before you can even make a sandwich.
And - then discover the food you bought yesterday is all gone.

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Kr1stina · 19/09/2016 17:12

Glad to hear that DS2 is doing a little better .

Lovely to hear that DS1s friends have been so helpful , they do sound like a great bunch of young people , they must have cared for him very much . It's good of you to let them be so involved in planning things, so many famines shut out friends - not out of badness of course , just because they can't cope.

I'm sure it will help them in their grieving , to know that they have been part of organising things and have been a support to you and your other children .

I hope Saturday is a lovely celebration of your sons life .

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 19/09/2016 17:16

I am so glad I started this thread.
I have had so much support on here, it has really helped.
Flowers

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sausagefest · 19/09/2016 17:16

That's lovely to hear how great ds1's friends have been. it's a reflection on what a great guy he was.

What a pain about dd's flatmate. A problem she doesn't need.

FlounderingDaily · 19/09/2016 18:32

Will be thinking of you and your family on Saturday endof. We lost my brother at the end of last year, also drugs related. He was only 21. The funeral was very hard, but good at the same time to see how many people loved him. I remember early on that shock and horror of waking up in the morning and remembering he was dead. That stopped after a while and sort of turned into a different kind of pain. Don't expect too much of yourselves. If DS2 can't face work he could get signed off for a few weeks, our doctors were more than happy to after that kind of trauma. I do the bare minimum to get through the day sometimes.

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 20/09/2016 01:28

Well - managed 2.5 hours of sleep then the TV in the bedroom just switched itself on and scared the life out of me. So back downstairs and trying the herbal tea.

DH is sound asleep.

I am so tired, but once something wakes me that is it - I have to just get up.
I could stick the TV on down here - it was a repeat of GBBO - with subtitles.

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Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 20/09/2016 01:32

FlounderingDaily

Flowers
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LoveYouSweetheart · 20/09/2016 01:49
Flowers Sorry
Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 22/09/2016 07:17

DH and I seem to have both hit rock bottom today.
We both woke very early and have been in tears off and on since 5.30am.

Everything is more or less done, but I have to pay the bills for the venue and the catering for the funeral reception.

I am so worried about getting through the funeral.

DD is coming home tomorrow. I am longing to see her, but it is going to be so hard when she goes back again on Monday.

I am physically and mentally exhausted.

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Simmi1 · 22/09/2016 07:57

Oh end of. I'm so sorry Flowers

Sounds like you're doing really well - just be kind to yourself and don't expect too much from yourself. Thinking of you xx

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 22/09/2016 09:52

I have put my heart and soul into the funeral service.
I hope it will do him justice.
It has taken me hours - days even, but every piece of music and every reading has been chosen with all my love.

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sausagefest · 22/09/2016 10:08

Tears are all part of grieving. Let yourself cry for your boy.

How is dd coping? It must be strange and very difficult for her and you for her to have gone to university at such a terrible time.

sausagefest · 22/09/2016 10:11

It sounds as though the funeral will be a reflection of your and your family's love for him.

Are his friends all going to be there. They sound like a lovely group from what you've said.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 22/09/2016 10:30

It sounds beautiful endof Flowers

I think different pieces of music and different readings will speak to different people, and will be your gift to them. As well as all of them reflecting deeply your love for your dear boy.

We will be thinking of you through the coming days x

Kr1stina · 22/09/2016 11:15

You will get through the funeral, I promise . You will get the strength from somewhere . It aways happens , I don't know where it comes from .

For those of us who believe in God, maybe it comes from Him. For others, perhaps it's the love and support of our family and friends who are with us.

Your sons wonderful friends who have helped you make the arrangements.

The colleague who takes on some of our work, the neighbours who bring round a cake.

The kindness of strangers - people on Mumsnet, the police or emergency services who cared for our child and did their very best to help.

Knowing that you have to be strong for each other . Wanting to honour the memory of the one we have lost .

There are so many places for you to get strength from and you WILL be able to do it .

Look how much time and love you have put into the planning of it . At the very worst time of your life you have been able to be thoughtful and creative . You are a strong woman .

Yes, there will be bad days ( like today ) when you think that you can't go on doing this anymore, it's too exhausting . And pointless . Because nothing will bring him back or ever be the same again .

And then there will be not so bad days. Saturday will be fine - you will be able to do it because you wang to be strong for your husband and son and daughter . That's what mums do .

Flowers
PacificDogwod · 22/09/2016 18:18

Thinking of you here, endof Thanks

You will get through the funeral - because you have to.
And for your darling boy.
The arrangements sound lovely and the fact that you have poured you all in to the plan will shine through and will be a reflection of your love for your son.

Grief can be like puddles (bear with me on this one): sometimes it's deep, sometimes more superficial, it can surprise you (those are the puddles you don't notice until your feet are getting wet), it can appear to be gone (a dry day - not many puddles). And then there is a downpour and everything is wet, puddle after puddle; grief never ending.
Accept the less 'puddley' days as periods to recharge your emotional tanks, and also accept the v wet days as what you need to do to grieve in your own individual way.
Hopefully the puddles will become less deep and less closely spaced as time goes by - feeling better with time is NOT a betrayal of your son, or your love of him. And you will forever be his mother and he your son.
Wishing you peace and strength x.

Elephantsaremygods · 22/09/2016 18:20

FlowersFlowersFlowers

I'm so very sorry.

Original poster
endofthelinefinally · 22/09/2016 19:13

Just writing the tribute.
So many things I want to say, but it has to be less than 5 minutes...
This is the most difficult bit so far.

(His friends will all speak at the celebration of his life, after the cremation.
For me, this will be a precious and treasured memory).

DH is catholic, so we have a pretty rigid structure to the funeral mass and only a brief tribute at the beginning.

I have arranged the order of service within strict guidelines, but I am happy that I have managed to work within the rules, but make it special.

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