DS1 has died

[endofthelinefinally]

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

I am hoping they might. They really like him, but OTOH they are a business and not a charity.
Unpaid leave would be fine - but I worry about him just drifting.
He is griefstricken - it has only been a couple of weeks.

Of course he is. He must feel lines he's gone from being part of a big family to being an only child , he will be scared of the future and how things will never the same again

It's So tough on you, trying to help him when you are overwhelmed yourselves . Is there no family friend ( adult ) or relative who could be some support to him here? Or won't he listen to them ? I know it's not the best age for accepting adult advice

I don't know.
I really hope he talks to his boss today.
They get on well and I think he will be very understanding.

DH is actually very supportive - he thinks that for DS2 travelling with his friends for a bit will be better than being here.

It's hard to know what to do for the best, isn't it ? It's going to be even harder for you, going from three kids to none at home .

I know that's not why you are worried about him going BTW.

I really, really don't want him to think I want to keep him at home for my sake. I can see that he might think that - which is why I don't want to get involved in an argument.

My whole life has come crashing down, but I only want the best for my remaining children.

No I can see that . I assumed that you were worried about him going for his own sake. Making such a decision now when he's not thinking clearly . Worried about him packing in a good job with prospects . Worried about him crashing and burning on the other side of the world, without access to mental health services , different legal system, drugs etc

You've been through hell already so you don't need to imagine what could go wrong - you've lived it :-(

And this is all so soon. I'm sure you'd be less worried a year down the line . But thats no use if his mates are going now . Whatever happens , at least he'd not be away on his own .

It's tough . And too much to deal with right now .

Aftre we lost our child I could barely get a meal on the table , let alone make these huge decisions

It always seems that troubles just never end, do they?

I'm sure that DS2's head is just all over the place right now. Trying to think as if it were my DS2, I know that he'd think I was being a 'smother mother' even if I was just concerned he hadn't thought things through. He'd listen to his dad about the traveling much more than he'd listen to me.

How soon is this traveling supposed to begin? Is there any way he could perhaps delay his departure a few weeks to let things settle a bit and then join them later?

I hope your DS2 managed to speak to his boss today.

He may of course have a sudden realisation that 'life is short' with his brother's unexpected and sudden death and an urgent need to seize the day or something.

I think all you can do is be there for him when he needs you

DS2 is practically catatonic. I am really worried about him.
Called the GP (where we have all been registered for the last 23 years) to discover that DS2 has been randomly taken off their books.
DH went down to the surgery with DS2's driving licence, his most recent student loan statement and a letter addressed to DS2 from his bank. (They ask for a bank statement but DS2 only has online statements).

DH never goes to the GP.

I told him to ask to speak to the practice manager and NOT to try to deal via the receptionists.

Unfortunately - because he is inexperienced in such matters, he tried to deal with the receptionist who refused to consider reregistering DS2 because the letter from the bank was "not a statement".

After some discussion, I am afraid DH lost his rag. (He is the most gentle soul imaginable usually), so they grudgingly agreed to re-register DS2 but refused an appointment until the registration process is complete.

I am angry with myself because I didn't get up my courage to go down there myself.

I am going to have to go and grovel.

I need to try and get some professional advice - I know DS2 is grieving, but I am really worried about his mental state.

I think you are right to get some advice and I'm sorry your GP practice have messed things up .

How well do you know your GP? I'd be phoning up and asking for an urgent telephone / in person appointment today to speak to the GP about DS2.

at our practice you can get an urgent appointment on the same day, but we are not in England and I know it's much harder to get seen there.

Oh lord this is so sad. I am really sorry for your loss xxx

Might DS2 talk with you a little about these possible travelling plans?

It might be some slight distraction if it's something he has recently expressed an interest in? Just to ask where they are thinking of going that sort of thing?

After we lost DNephew some of his good friends went travelling together for about a year and I think it was a very positive experience for them. In general I think some travelling when young can be a good thing to do.

Others close to DNephew continued with their work and career plans in a more conventional way and that seems to have worked out well for them too.

So just to say that either path might work out for your DS2, and exploring the options might just give you something positive to talk about with him?

Hope you can get some support for him from your GP as well. Perhaps his friends might give some valuable support too?

Does your GP surgery provide telephone appointments?
If so, make one for yourself and then speak about your DS2's predicament - no idea what went wrong there, but a GP is able to see a patient before they are registered if they feel this is appropriate/necessary. Paperwork can follow.

I expect there will be a big note on the EMIS home page about us now.

I wish I had made myself go and sort this out instead of letting DH do it.

I am quite ill and need lots of appointments so I don't want to be labelled as a troublemaker.

I think a grieving family will be forgiven. You won't be labelled. People understand.

I'm so sorry about your son.

Op, my heart goes out to you.

But can I say thank you?
Someone we know is dying. Could be v short, could be a bit longer. Like your son, a young man.

Because if this thread, and your responses, I have been able to word my support for the parents better than I would have before. Just by a tiny bit you have made things very very slightly better. Please keep that thought if it is comforting at all.

Awful day today.
Just me and DH here.
DS2 has gone to visit friends - which is great, I am really pleased. but the house is SO quiet.
I am missing DD too - she is always such good company. We did lots together - always laughing and enjoying each other's company.
We have to choose photographs today. I just can't stop crying.
DH made me some lunch and I couldn't eat it.
He is making cups of tea.
I have done a load of washing, but there really isn't much else to do - nothing I can face doing anyway.
There is nobody here to make any mess.
This is the rest of my life now and I can't face it.

I am really sorry for your loss.

I would recommend looking at local bereavement charities for ds2. It is likely that he will get support quicker that way than via GP. Xxx

I am so sorry. Please take strength from those around you who love you and will help carry you through

endof, please try and think about getting out of the house.
Would your DH and you go for a walk together?
Or a short drive? Maybe to a local beauty spot?

Get out of your four walls. Get some fresh air.
It will not change anything, but it will at least be a change of scenery.

Don't get too far ahead of yourself. Try not to think of time in terms of 'the rest of my life', but really just in minutes, hours and days. It's less cruel that way.

And consider contacting CRUSE.
You might find this relevant to your situation
Bereavement support from DrugFAM

Be very kind to yourself

We are going to pick the rest of the apples on our tree (well - DH is, I can't lift the picker) then go for a walk.

Poor DH. He must be finding it very hard to cope with me on top of everything else.

I am having lunch with a fellow bereaved mum tomorrow and have decided to make apple crumble.
It was DS1's favourite pudding so it won't be easy. All the DC looked forward to the apple crop every year.

Are they Bramley ? Mine aren't nearly ready yet .

Every year when you eat apple crumble you will remember the happy times you shared with DS. You will miss him but you will also celebrate his life .

That will be your life now. There will be many more happy times ( I know you can't believe that now but it will happen ) and they will be tinged with sadness . But you will go on living and being happy again. I promise you.

Because you and your lovely DH and your other kids deserve that .

I just miss him.
I want to put my arms round him and tell him how much we all love him.
I just can't bear the fact that I will never see him again.