DS1 has died

[endofthelinefinally]

I tried everything to save him. He was 27.

I don't know how I am going to get through this.

Thinking of you as you write your tribute

I hope the structure of the service will be helpful to you and others.

There is a lot to be said for old, established traditions. I hope you can find the healing and the hope in some of the words shared, as well as comfort from those around you in your shared grief.

It is so hard.
So many memories.
So many tears.

Just try to remember that the day will come when those same memories will bring just as many smiles as tears. That time is not now of course, but it will come.

endoftheline, I think of you and your family every day, but don't have anything constructive to say, so just send you good wishes in my mind, hoping the vibes reach you.
I just read about your eulogy at the funeral and that it is a Catholic service and would like to share my experience. My mother was a Catholic and we went to see the priest, who hadn't known her that well, before the funeral. He asked us for information about her and promptly went on to pinch all the anecdotes my husband had intended to use in the eulogy he was giving on the family's behalf, in the little speech he gave about how well he knew my mother - before my husband spoke! We were not happy (we'd written it together as a family the night before the funeral), having a general mistrust of Catholic priests anyway! There was one quite interesting bit I'd remembered and we'd added at the very last minute , though, and the priest gasped and said out loud: "Oooh, you didn't tell me that!" whilst my husband was speaking! So, if you've talked to the priest taking the funeral already, perhaps use different things in your own tribute tomorrow? That way you'll be able to get more in about your lovely son, anyway!
Thinking of you and your family tomorrow. Oh, and just to say, we had to wait nearly a month between my mother's death and her funeral, because she died 10 days before Christmas. In my experience, that gap between the death and the funeral is an awful state of limbo and suspension of "real' life and once the funeral is over, you can perhaps start mourning properly, if you see what I mean? The grief is still there, terribly, but you will have been through the funeral ritual and might be able to move on to start a different kind of life, with the huge hole left by your lovely son still there as part of it? Forgive me if I am talking rubbish.

I lost my son many years ago, but I can still remember the searing pain and lostness of those early days. As 3littlebadgers said, keep breathing. And look after yourself physically as much as you can, grief is a hard thing for your body to bear and you need to support it as much as you can. And just be true to your feelings- let yourself feel bad when you do, and let yourself feel a little better when those moments come. You're very much not alone- many of us out here have stood in your shoes. x

The funeral went well.
So many people came.
So much love and support.
It is so comforting to see how many of his friends were there and to hear the wonderful tributes they gave.
He was so loved by so many people.
I really do feel he will live on in their hearts as well as in mine.
I will grieve for him for the rest of my days, but I do take comfort in the fat that he touched so many lives.
Thank you all for the support on here too. This thread has got me through the last 4 weeks.

I'm so pleased that it went well and so many people came. Where I come from we say " it was a good turnout " . It's such a comfort to have so many people there, sharing their memories of him and also being a support to you and the family .

How did DS and DD cope ? What are their plans now? Is DD back to uni ? And what about the travel thing for DS?

DS and DD sobbed through most of the service. That was heartbreaking, but they couldn't help it and everyone understood.

We had a celebration of DS1's life at a lovely venue with plenty of outdoor space, grass and trees. The sun was out - it was a beautiful day. The whole thing had been arranged by DS1's friends and they had surpassed themselves.

They looked after DS and DD and I could see they were both so uplifted by the whole thing. It became a very positive experience. They were able to share so many happy memories I was so proud of them and all those lovely, kind young people.

DS2 is still considering his plans. We will support him what ever he decides.
DD is going back at the crack of dawn on Monday, but she will come back at half term for a few days.

I think the sobbing is fine and normal . It's hard to bury a sibling when you are 60, let alone at 18 or 20 .

I think you are doing the right thing to let DD go straight back to uni. The routine and the distraction and being normal for a while will help her .

Uplifting ..postive.....happy.....kind....it does sounds like a beautiful day .

You have all done really well

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

I'm so glad you and your family found so much comfort in the service and the celebration of life.

I was thinking of you all yesterday. I'm glad things went as well as they could.

Ds sounds like he had some wonderful friends which is a reflection of him.

Well done for getting through it all too.

Well, his funeral is now behind you - I had been thinking of you all.

Of course sobbing is fine - nobody will have thought anything about it.

Life has a way of just carrying on, whether you are ready for it or not, and letting your children get back to their routines is likely the best thing for them.

Watch for the post-funeral slump - you will likely be less busy now, people will drift away and you might feel more bereft.
Look after yourself on a very basic level: eat, drink, sleep, get outside.
One foot in front of the other

I am so sorry.

I am so sad.
I miss him.
I don't know how to keep going.

Hope your ok endofthelinefinally
I've been where you are now it's a year next week since I lost my dd in tragic and upsetting circumstances.
Take Care

cocochanel21

I'm so sorry endof and coco.
Be very gentle with yourself and expect nothing more than getting through the day.
We're here for you xxxxx

Awful day today.
Had to go to GP about something else (chronic condition with flareups).
Despite the fact that DH had a row with the receptionist last week during which he TOLD them that DS1 had just died and would they PLEASE accept the multitudes of paperwork he had brought as proof of address and allow DS2 to be put back on the books, she had no idea what had happened. It was not recorded anywhere in DS1's records.
It was horrible.
Then I had to go to a hospital appointment - was in such a state I could barely remember my own name. ended up sobbing over the poor receptionist.
Then had to go to supermarket to buy food and could hardly hold it together to get the shopping done.
I feel ill, tired, in pain and absolutely wrung out.
DD is still too upset to go back to uni and DS2 is talking about going travelling.
This is a nightmare.

We are here for you and are keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. You and your family have suffered an enormous loss. Please try to look after yourselves as much as possible. Little meals, try to drink plenty, even if you don't feel hungry. Please don't worry about anything but getting through each day at the moment. Are you managing to get any sleep? This is the time when the GP surgery should really be supporting you all. I am amazed that they haven't dealt with this with any level of sensitivity or understanding. Do you perhaps need to speak directly to the practice manager? Am here and am thinking of you xx

I am more worried about DD TBH.
She is so distressed, but is also worried because she is missing really important classes.
I don't know what to advise her to do. On the one hand, being here is probably pulling her down, but OTOH even though going back would be a distraction, I would feel as if I was pushing her away.
She has had tickets for a once in a lifetime event for over a year. Something that would normally be a dream come true.
If she stays here she will miss it, but naturally, her enthusiasm to do anything at all has dwindled.
I am really torn - I m so worried that if she misses this event (it is this week) she will regret it, but clearly she is in a state of shock and grief, brought on by the funeral, which has made everything real.

Just wondering if the tickets for the event could be good timing for your DD?

If she feels up to it then maybe it could be something to go back for, after having a few days after the funeral at home with you? Which day is the event, could a friend or maybe DH take her there?

Was pleased to read that Saturday went as well as it could, and especially that so many of DS1's friends were able to contribute and support one another and your family. And that you had some sunshine especially for the celebration of his life after the funeral. It sounded like there was time to be sad and time to be glad, IYSWIM, which seems good to me x

Thinking of you

Sorry, just thinking that of course nothing is good timing or good in any way around this.
Just that maybe the music or whatever event might be helpful to her in some way? Does she have a friend she'd go with?

Thanks Juggling.
The event is on Thursday.
I think she should go, settle back into her flat, rest over the weekend and restart her course on Monday. The emotional side of me wants to just hold her tightly and keep her here with me, but I don't think that would be the right thing to do.
DS2 has offered to take her back and stay a couple of days.
However - he doesn't have a ticket for the event, so would have an evening on his own in the flat which would be a bit gloomy for him.
I am not well enough to travel - although I have just started new meds so that could change.
Oh dear.