please help me. dh has taken own life

[diege]

We were in the process of separting. Police came around yesterday to say they found his body. I have 6 children and its ds1s party today (sat). I'm going to push through til after the party and then tell them, hopefully with my parents there No one seems to be able to tell me how to tell the children, help lines of Winstons wish etc Monday to Friday I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

My mum died when we were 7, 9, 13 & 15. I was staying with my guardians and I was 7 and stayed there after I'd been told because they could deal with me while my Dad could deal with the others. I cried when he told me but only because he cried.

My advice is practical.

I think you need to be the one that tells them but then you should ask them if they want anyone else to be there to help. The littlest ones could go to your parents for a bit if that would help you. Even if it's 48 hours or just 2.

I would try to separate the birthday and the death so they are not linked. I think tell them all straight away as soon as you've told 2 or 3 people in your support network.

The birthday party is not going to happen is my feeling. Or not now at any rate.

A funeral is a lot to organize and while the undertaker should tell you what you need todo it is an endless list of choices to make.

Family meetings for who does what, what song reading etc by whom gives a bit of focus. And having done my sisters funeral too as a young adult they really help keep things moving forwards.

Others will do food and household stuff if you let them. Ask the 2 or 3 people to be your doers. They can ask you questions but they then implement.

I didn't tell dd her grandma had died until we went back To our hotel room after a family wedding (other side) and also asked dh fam to keep off Facebook
but we knew she was dying and we were abroad
So I get where you're coming from.
they're going to have such conflicted emotions as it's suicide
I'm so sorry

Thinking of you op. Hope today has gone as well as it could.

Thinking of you & your DC, Diege

My father commited suicide the day before my 16th birthday. My brothers were 12 and 10 (with Aspergers). My advice is to be as calm as possible (I know this is easier said than done), be factual and try to give an air of having it under control. I was with my mum when we found the body (in our back garden) so she wasn't able (obviously) to do that for me but we did for my brothers. They were upset but I think reassured by the idea that we had it under control (even if it was an illusion).

Oh and I completely agree with trying to separate the birthday/party and death association. I don't harbour any anger towards my father for what he did anymore (I will be 30 this year) but I am still angry about the day it happened.

Thinking of you today OP.

To update, the children have been told and as you can imagine are devastated. It was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. They are crying and asking for daddy, asking about plans he'd made with them for the summer, camping etc, which is heartbreaking. The 4 year old keeps on asking when daddy will be back, my 10 year old hysterical, walking around in his dressing gown. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to access professional support. I also have a gp appointment to get signed off work and any possible meds I might need to help me sleep etc.
Thanks again to everyone, particularly those who have shared their own very sad stories.

Heartbreaking. I am so, so sorry for you all

Nothing practical I'm afraid, unless you're nearby (west Yorks) but my thoughts are with you and the children.

I'm so, so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you get some more help tomorrow.

Deige, I've dug out one of the booklets about talking to children about death, which we were given by one of the funeral directors, when my little Azra died. It was very helpful for her siblings, then 9,7 and 5. If you would like me to post it to you pm me, or I could photograph each page and email them to you if that would help

So sorry you're going through this. I've been through something similar

Telling my dcs (aged 10 and 5) that their father had died was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. My oldest went to the funeral but the youngest stayed in school. Just felt better that way rather than overwhelming him with the occasion and lots of 'strangers' etc

My only advice is to take each minute, hour and day as it comes. Given their ages, your dcs will have different needs and responses in the coming days and months.

Also, please don't be afraid of displaying some of your own sadness / grief to your dcs, it gives them permission to show their own. But I was always careful never to show my 'anger' and despair

But most of all, be gentle with yourself

Lots of love to you all. I'm so so sorry for all your heartbreak.

I am so sorry for you all. You're in my thoughts as are your children and I hope you all find some strength and peace.

Hope you got on ok at the Dr's today, Diege

All ok Diege? Thinking of you xx

So sorry OP.
Samaritans 116 123 - to talk when you most need it
I second Winstons Wish
Also uk-sobs.org.uk

To update, I am slowly getting through it i think. Funeral booked today bur I am feeling overwhelmed by the growing To Do list. My memory is,also appalling and I am relying on lists to get through the day.The support i have got from friends has been astonishing. I am very lucky to have such wonderful women in my life
So on I go, and hopefully things will get better week by week. The children have kept me going and I'm crying less, although I realise this is only the start of a very long journey. Thanks again for all the support on here; I may well become a frequent poster in a section of mumsnet I had never even known existed until last week.

Wishing you and your children well.

I'm so sorry diege

My heart goes out to you and your children.