please help me. dh has taken own life

[diege]

We were in the process of separting. Police came around yesterday to say they found his body. I have 6 children and its ds1s party today (sat). I'm going to push through til after the party and then tell them, hopefully with my parents there No one seems to be able to tell me how to tell the children, help lines of Winstons wish etc Monday to Friday I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I forgot to say-I have some experience of this in that my uncle died while I was on holiday and no one told me. When I rang home to say hi people lied and said everything was fine so I could enjoy my holiday but I just felt upset and guilty that I hadn't known and was going around having a lovely time. Don't make your children feel like that.

Some posts are getting a tone of making OP feel guilty for waiting and pressuring her decision.

Think people shouldn't be using such emotive language tbh.

She has to do what is best for her and her children today.

There doesn't seem to be any need for your children to know when he died. Tell them the day after the party, unless they saw the police you could have been told the news anytime.

Depending on the maturity level of the 14 yo I would tell her first and emphasise that you will need her support with the younger ones.

I don't think there is a perfect solution.

Good luck, have other people there.

I'm so sorry OP. SOBS is a brilliant organisation so do please get in touch with them. SOBS

So sorry this is going to be so difficult for you..No one can tell you the best way to do things however I will say my ds when 4 . A very close friend died.. It was just before christmas and thought about when to tell my DS.. I found he really struggled all Christmas and then when he went back to school he was back to normal..It may be good for them to have something good happen after they are told.. Kids do seem to grieve differently to us..

Wishing you well no matter what you decide.

Agree with Rowanhart. I don't think one more day will make a difference and it allows the 7 yo to have her/his day. It is of course OP's decision and she knows her kids best.

Why don't you see how it goes for a few hours before making decisions.
Is DS1 one of the little ones?

Sorry, I missed that DS is 7.

I am so very sorry for your loss.

My DH took his own life nearly two years ago now, my daughter was 2 at the time. I felt shock, sadness, disbelief and all consuming guilt - I had told my DH a few days before that I wanted to separate from him, he had an addiction that I couldn't cope with.

Please know it was not your fault.

SOBs have a helpline and meetings for when you are further down the line. I belong to WAY which has a separate section if you are bereaved by suicide and meet ups, this really helps to know you are not alone.

I waited a couple of days to tell my two year old dd as my mind was so jumbled and I was so in shock at the time. I just told her that I had something very sad to tell her, that her Daddy had died and a v v simple explanation of what this meant.

You have so much to cope with right now. I hope you have some support from friends and family. Lean on people as much as you can.

I found a great counsellor and this helped me massively.

I am so very sorry. It's really heartbreaking for you but please know you are not alone and you can survive this.

I'm so sorry Tell the children when you feel is best, don't be pressured into telling them if your not ready too. I think after the party is fine x

Op - so sorry this has happened.
In all honesty I think you should have told your DC yesterday when it happened. I dont think you should continue to withold the information. And while it's upsetting for your birthday DC I think it is odd to continue with a party when there's been a death in the family.
I suspect you are in shock and trying desperately to keep everything normal, but sadly things aren't normal. Your DC have lost their dad, they have a right to know, and to grieve.

Oh. I'm so sorry to read this. Please know it's not your fault though.

error What needs to be remembered, as callous as it may sound, is that nothing is going to change the fact that their dad is dead. Telling them sooner rather than later isn't going to make a difference, however, the association with the child's birthday and his death will continue for the rest of his life. Life is for the living and all that. I don't think anyone should be making the OP feel bad for not telling her DC yet.

I'm so sorry OP. You need to do whatever you feel is right for your children.

Do you think they would notice that you were acting differently though?

Thank you. I am reading but struggling to post at the moment. I'll update later.

Sorry for your loss OP

I saw your post on another thread and just wanted to add my support on here.

It's amazing how many people jump in to tell you what you should or shouldn't do (I'm guilty of doing that myself!) but in this case I think it's completely your call as to when you tell your children. Go with your gut instinct and try not to feel guilty. It's going to be upsetting whenever you tell them, so in a way it doesn't matter, although the party obviously complicates things a bit.

I think the most important thing is that you get support. That will help you to support the children.

And I hope you know that it wasn't your fault.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It definitely 100% wasn't your fault

I think you're probably in shock too. Have you had anything to eat or drink yet today? You need to try and keep your strength up - lots of little sips and drinks if you can't manage much food.

So so sorry for your loss xx

Oh Diege, I'm so so sorry. I can remember you from previous threads we were both on (I've name-changed).

It must be such a shock. Sending love & strength to you & your DC

If you haven't already found this website, OP, check out Support After Suicide. They have a page listing support organisations (including several helplines which are open at the weekend) and a useful booklet.

Oh god I'm so so bloody sorry. This is horrendous for all of you. Thank god you sound like you have support around you but this is going to be so very difficult for all of you. I would be tempted to speak to the older children separately just because they will be able to grasp the enormity so much more quickly. We lost our daughter very suddenly last year and having to tell our then three year old son that his sister wouldn't be coming home from the hospital was pretty much the final very fragile straw that broke me. Take care of yourself - you will need to be very very strong for your children and to do that you will need a lot of support for yourself too.

Just to say I hope I was of some help and I didn't mean to be directive. I really hope you've got support from your family now.

I'm so sorry op. What a horrible situation you are in.
I have nothing helpful to add but couldn't read this and not say anything to you.
I'll be thinking of you and your DC.
Be kind to yourself