please help me. dh has taken own life

[diege]

We were in the process of separting. Police came around yesterday to say they found his body. I have 6 children and its ds1s party today (sat). I'm going to push through til after the party and then tell them, hopefully with my parents there No one seems to be able to tell me how to tell the children, help lines of Winstons wish etc Monday to Friday I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

So sorry OP. No advice other than what has previously been mentioned by PPs

No advice op but thoughts with you. Agree with others about telling the older ones asap. Anyone would understand if you cancelled the party. Id certainly tell the other mum. Maybe she can take control of the party. Xxxx

Huge sympathies OP

Have you spoken to his sister? I'm sorry to question what you've been told but it's rather odd that the police phoned you - it's far more normal for someone to come to your house to see you. And post mortems are usually done a few days later, certainly not overnight. It's just with you mentioning your husband was controlling, I makes me wonder.

Personally, I'd phone the non emergency police number and ask for verification unless you're utterly sure.

I'm so sorry for you and your children.

Am so sorry to hear this, a horrible difficult time for you, there is this online resource from youthtalk which may help but don't want to overload you, as you will still be in shock and processing this too. www.healthtalk.org/peoples-experiences/dying-bereavement/bereavement-due-suicide/telling-children-and-young-people-about-suicide. Please remember how much mumsnetters are here for you 24/7. Unmumsnetty hugs for you x.

I am so sorry. I can only echo the feelings that wish you strength at this awful time.
There's a lot of good advice and sources here from others, the best one being that this is not something to blame yourself for, no matter what could be said in the first moment of grief by any family members.
I agree that you would be best to tell the children, because of the way that things invariably leak out onto social media and how they might feel about it being kept from them. There will be other parties.
And your parents, because they can be around to support you, as you support your children.

Hp, it says in the op the police came round to say they had found his body.

So sorry to hear this. I agree with telling the older ones now .

If there has already been a post mortem did it happen longer ago than you think because that is very quick? If so the chance of it getting on social media is higher so I would be telling the older ones asap. To be honest I would cancel your involvement in the party, it will still go ahead with other mum and everyone will understand.

Could your mum take the birthday child?

That'll leave you home to tell the other children and tell the birthday child on their return?

Condolences to you all, and please don't try and listen to anyone who lays blame at your door. He chose this. It's a selfish act.

I'm so sorry OP. I agree with others who say tell your children sooner. News travels so quickly and in unexpected ways in these days of social media. Concentrate on them today. If your son wants to still have his party, and he may well do so as the enormity of what's happened may not sink in right away at his age, then explain to the other Mom and get a family member to take him and you stay home and be with the older ones.
Sending you lots of love, it's a horribly sad time

Jesus op I'm so sorry. Winstons wish was fab for my 9 year old when her brother died. She also had counselling through butterwick hospice.

sending hugs to you. no words x x

Sorry this has happened. I can see why you would want to just get through the party as best you can. If you can do it and feel that's best, then do it.

I also think there must have been some confusion or misinformation about the postmortem. I very much doubt they would do it overnight.

The police rang last night to say a post mortem had been done that afternoon. The body was found that morning. I was also surprised at the speed of things.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for what you are going through

I'm going to go against the grain a little and suggest that if you feel you can make it through the party then I would do that and tell them later. As long as you're sure they won't find out from anyone else. Or maybe tell the older ones but not the 7 year old whos party it is. I was a lot older but my dad died on the day of my 16th birthday party. I was told first thing in the morning and given the choice about whether to go ahead with my party or not. I have never felt so conflicted in my life. I was devastated, but a lot of money and effort had gone in to this party and I didn't want to let the guests down. I also, and this sounds incredibly selfish I know, was gutted that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the party I was looking forward to. I wish I hadn't been told straight away so I didn't have to make that decision. The party didn't go ahead in the end. From then onwards I associated my birthday with his death and unfortunately on my 21st birthday my nan died so birthdays aren't something I enjoy anymore.

Ultimately, you know your children and you are the only one who can decide how you think they will cope and react to the news.

I'm so sorry OP. Also think you need to tell the children, especially the older ones asap.

The party only goes ahead if the birthday boys wants it and everyone else will understand if it doesn't.

Can someone come round to help you explain to the children

Good idea about asking family member to take birthday boy to his party while you stay with the others

As you are confident that your dc won't find out from any other source, I suggest that you proceed with your original plan to go ahead with the party and that you wait until tomorrow before telling them of their df's death.

My reasoning is that announcing this news before the party will undoubtedly impact on your ds1's enjoyment of 'his' day, while telling them shortly afterwards may cause him/them to feel bad that he/they enjoyed themselves, or cause them to associate parties with bad news/their df's death.

If any of them should ask why you delayed telling them I suggest you simply say you knew that their df wouldn't have wanted to spoil a happy day for ds1 and that he would have wanted all of his dc to have a fun time at the party.

However, I suspect that asking when you knew won't be the among the first questions any of them ask and, as very young dc tend to live in the moment, breaking the news on Sunday should go some way to ensuring that your 7 yo's birthday has some semblance of normality for him/her as well as ensuring that all of your dc will have positive memories of ds1's special day.

As to what excuse you can give for their df's absence at the party, I can only suggest that you say something along the lines of you're sure he'd be there if he could but 'something must have come up' and hope that the event proves sufficiently distracting to forestall them continually querying his absence

I also think that you need some time to begin coming to terms with this shocking news before you set about relaying it to your dc and that you should ask your dps to entertain your 3 youngest for a couple of hours on Sunday morning so that you can talk to your older dc without distraction before telling the littlies.

I am so very sorry for your loss and for the circumstances and manner in which it's come about.

So sorry.

I think your instinct is right as is the post about girl told about DF death on 16th birthday.

I wouldn't tell DC today on day of party. Their world is about to be turned upside down. I think giving them one last day of silly fun before that is a good idea.

Tomorrow is neither DC's birthday or the day of party. Give him all prezzies everything today before Monday, spoil rotten and then tell them tomorrow morning, would be my advice.

I would be sending family a text asking them not to post until tomorrow when you are going to tell DC. I agree you should take the older ones out to park or something to tell them first while someone looks after little ones.

Thinking about you OP.

sorry for your loss.
If I was one of the those kids I'd be pretty upset to go to the party and then find out afterwards my father had died tbh. I'd be very upset you hadnt told me straight away.

So sorry...I think there is a support organisation called SOBS

So sorry for you all. Please tell the children now. Your older children will remember you went to a party when their df was dead. Especially as ye were separating. This could lead to huge resentment and anger for you later which you definitely do not need. Also your h family may in time bring it up as you being heartless. I'm sorry for your little birthday boy but this surpasses everything. Mind yourself.

I think you should tell them a.s.a.p. The party is joint so the other children won't miss out. You need to take stock with your children and somehow get through today. I agree with others that you should probably tell the older children seperately.

I am so very sorry for all of you. Please remember this isn't your fault. Thinking of you all X

i have no advice, except speak with the samaritans about what to do and when to tell the children, they are trained

Yes, your DC might be resentful if you do the party, however they also might thank you for letting them have a little more normality.

I dont know, i really don't - sending you and your family love

So sorry this has happened.

You should tell your children now-they have a right to know their dad has died. I can't imagine how I would feel in coming back from having a fantastic time at a party to find out all the time someone else knew he'd dies but not told me. Please tell your children.