please help me. dh has taken own life

[diege]

We were in the process of separting. Police came around yesterday to say they found his body. I have 6 children and its ds1s party today (sat). I'm going to push through til after the party and then tell them, hopefully with my parents there No one seems to be able to tell me how to tell the children, help lines of Winstons wish etc Monday to Friday I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

Hang in there OP
His family may blame you - it's natural to want to lash out. But please remember that someone does not chose to leave their children, family and other loved ones simply because of a separation. It comes from a place of deep hopelessness caused by ongoing mental health issues. There's nothing that you or anyone else could have done to 'fix' it. and it's important that your DC know that too. Their dad didn't choose to leave - he was driven to it by feelings that hopefully we won't ever experience.

I'm so sorry OP.

My worry with delaying telling the older ones is that they'll find out on social media/text before you've told them.

As its a joint party, could the other mum take over your part of the organisation?

I worry that they won't understand why you delayed telling them. Could your parents be there or some other relative?

I delayed telling my dd aged 4 when my dad died. She was away in France with her dad. That worked OK but for older children I think they might need to feel you didn't keep anything from them...

I'm so sorry OP, I will be thinking of you and your family today.

No one else knows yet, just me, his sister, a a friend of mine so the children wouldn't find out from elsewhere before this afternoon.

Really terrible for you. Very similar thing happened to me last year, my Dcs are older (youngest 15), and the body was found by one of the older ones.

What state are you going to be in at the party?other parents will ask what's up, because it will be obvious. What are you going to say? No one is going to criticise you for cancelling it in the circumstances

How will the older DCs feel if they've been having fun not knowing he's passed?

However even if you think he has taken his own life, ultimately that's a decision for the coroner. You might want to consider saying "we just don't know" the cause of death until the inquest. MyDW's inquest found natural causes to the surprise of all the family.

Oh OP how absolutely terrible.

I also agree about telling the older children. In fact i may be going against the grain here but i think i would tell them all as soon as possible and then decide from the reaction about whether your DS should still go to his party?If it is a joint thing then it will still go ahead with his guests but without him. I just wonder if in years to come he might look back and say - how could you let him go off to his party when you knew how dad had died?

Whatever you do we are all here for you to handhold, offer advice and just generally be a listening ear. Be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. You must be totally floored.

Pp is right, you will need to tell the older children separately, partly even so you don't need to try to comfort too many by yourself at once.

Could the other mum take over most of the organising for you?

for you, and strength to get through the day. (((Hugs)))

Perhaps you need to start telling your adult family? I'm sure your parents would want to support you and your children
.

I'm so sorry

I do agree with the others that it would be best to tell the children as soon as you can, before they find out from social media. To be honest I think I'd tell them all this morning and then let the ones who want to go to the party.
If someone else can also let the other mum know, I'm sure she will take over the running of the party.

To be honest, my gut feeling is that this is their dad and they all need to know. As for the party, well, you can see what happens later.

Veterinari puts it perfectly. Plus, don't assume they will blame you. It is often part of the grieving process to automatically blame yourself, but you must not. (For one reason, it renders you an emotional mess and you can't function that way, ime!) Depression is an illness, it is no one's fault, any more than a physical illness would be. He cannot be at the party, that's all you have to say. It is not his fault, or anyone else's, he is too ill to be there.

I also think the older children especially need to know. I also wouldn't be afraid to pull out of the party - this is a major thing that's happened and there's no need for you to battle through putting on a brave face. I agree about not calling it suicide until you're absolutely sure. Is there any chance it could have been an accident? Xx

Oh deige I'm so sorry as a mother all you want to do is protect your children from the things that will hurt them, but that is not always in our hands.

The first thing I worried about when told dd2 had died was how I would tell the children. I was 40+5 weeks pregnant with her so not at all the same as your circumstances but I know that feeling of desperately wanting to do a 'good job' at giving such upsetting news.
You know your children so will be best a judging if telling them seperately or together will help. Seperately allows them to process the information in their own way without influencing someone else's grief, fro example the reaction of a teenager would be very different to a tiny child. However, telling them together, maybe if the older ones were snuggled up with the little ones it might help to keep that oxytocin flowing and make them feel like you are all in this together.

Suicide is an awful thing for a child to get their head around but please try to be as open as you can because the truth is not as scary as the gaps they will fill with their own imaginations.

Try to keep away to likening death to sleep etc because little ones can be very literal and it can make the fearful of sleep.

When my little Azra died we were given books about explaining death to a child from the funeral directors free of charge, they were brilliant, if you are delaying telling them maybe try to pop and get one, or ask someone to do it for you and have a read through first.

In the long term just let them talk through everything, let them see you cry so they know it is ok to be open about their own grief, if they are in the UK schools offer a SEASONS of CHANGE course for children experiencing loss, which are really lovely and delivered normally be someone in the school with special training. It also means they have someone at school who they can open up to and maybe ask questions about their father without wanting to worry you.
Michael Rosen's Sad Book is brilliant too.
All the best and the warmest of hugs to you and your children

Ah, cross posts... Yes, can see the sense of telling older children and adults. You don't want their lasting memory of it that they were kept in the dark for hours.
You need help to make sure none of your children are alone, and that you get some rest and catch up on sleep, too. Ask for help, and if your older children want to be with their own friends instead of the party, that's up to them?

Simmi, the police rang and there's been a post mortem already. They say its definitely suicide (self inflicted injuries)
Thanks for the advice. I'll ring my patents and take it from there.

That's so awful. I really don't know what to suggest, but OP suggested telling the older children separately from the younger ones, and I think that this may be a good idea. Nobody knows how anyone will react to a horrible situation like this. I hope that nobody tries to blame you - after all, he was an adult and he made his own decisions. When someone does something like this, it's rarely just the one thing that causes them to take their own lives - it's often many factors. I'll be thinking of you today xx

Thinking of you and your children. I would forget the party.

I don't have useful advice I just wanted to wish you and your kids the best. Suicide affected us deeply. It's a hard road. Please don't ever feel guilty. You were and still are putting your kids first.

That's awful OP. Thinking of you. Please don't blame yourself - like pps have said - it would have been a lot more than the separation that drove him to this. Xx

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry this has happened

I was the child in this exact situation some years ago. My mum was told on New Years Eve that my dad had committed suicide, she decided not to tell us that night as we were at a family party. She waited until the next day, sat us all down together and told us. I never at any point felt upset that I wasn't immediately told, I understood why she waited and I'm glad she did. The shock of what you are going to tell them will far out weigh the timescales at which it happens.

I think like suggested above it may be a good idea to tell the older kids separately. The littlies are unlikely to grasp fully what's happened at this stage and may become upset seeing there older siblings very upset.

I'm thinking of you all.

I am deeply saddened for you and the children. So so sorry and yes...be gentle on yourself.

Very sorry OP. I think you're right to tell your parents. You need some adult support for youself while you consider the best way in which to tell your children. Please keep in your mind that this is in no way your fault. You are not to blame.

I have no advice op but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry to hear this.