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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

986 replies

Mummylin · 30/04/2016 11:29

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

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Original poster

Mummylin · 18/07/2016 14:31

Hello mythree it is very hard in the beginning and sometimes you can hardly believe it's happened. It sounds like your mum had a tough time, which must of been awful for you to witness. The trouble with grief is that it hits you when you least expect it and it's like a sledgehammer. It's hard to imagine a world without the person who has been there all of your life isn't it. It takes time, for some longer than others, but gradually it becomes easier, but it can't be rushed. I am sorry for your loss.
Saskia that is a lovely post.

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missmeg3leg · 19/07/2016 18:04

lurker but new poster in this thread......my beloved mum passed away suddenly & unexpectedly in December aged 66, tomorrow, 20th July would have been her birthday & my birthday is 21st July, I was born a minute past midnight....me & my mum always did something together & girly for our joint birthdays, I'm dreading tomorrow & couldn't care less its my birthday on Thursday

Original poster

Mummylin · 19/07/2016 22:18

Hello missmeg in a way I can empathise with you as I list my sister when she was 26 and we also shared a birthday. I could not celebrate afterwards for about 7 years. This is an extremely upsetting time for you, not only because it's the first birthday you won't / can't see your mum, which is bad enough, but to have your birthday so close is awful. Talk to your mum tomorrow, whisper your message to her and try and remember the happier times you both shared in the past. The firsts of anything are the worst ones to cope with, but it does get easier eventually, but you will never stop loving and missing your mum, I would give everything if I could just have a few minutes with mine, but I know it's not possible. Take care tomorrow, you will get through it.

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missmeg3leg · 20/07/2016 10:40

Thank you Mummylin for your kind words 😊 & Happy Birthday Mum! 💐 if only to have one more hug, one more chit-chat on the phone & one more birthday coffee & cake 🍰 but we didn't know you'd be leaving us so quickly & quietly, forever love xxxxxx

Original poster

Mummylin · 20/07/2016 14:58

Hope today is going as well as it can in the circumstances.

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Lweji · 21/07/2016 08:05

My dad died yesterday. I'm in bed now soaking it all in and preparing myself for the funeral (here it's the day after).
Today it would have been his birthday.
I'm fine, I think. I've had the tears (I'm crying now) and the numbness. I've managed to laugh with people.
We've had some time to slowly say goodbye, but he wasn't in pain other than from knowing he was very ill and possibly dying.

missmeg3leg
I'm sure your mum would insist that you celebrated your birthday. Even if you don't feel like it.
Happy birthday today.

Mine is in a few days too and I understand not feeling like a celebration, but maybe celebrate your and her life.

hidingwithwine · 21/07/2016 08:30

Lweji - hope you get through the funeral as best as you can. I don't know if having it so soon after is a good or bad thing - however if that's how it goes, you just have to get through it. I know that for me the unreality factor was so high at that point that I wouldn't have taken much in.

Thinking of you and yours X

Lweji · 21/07/2016 09:01

Thanks.

Leaving now.

Original poster

Mummylin · 21/07/2016 09:37

lweji Hope everything goes as you and your family wish, I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know how I would arranged such a quick funeral, it must be very stressful for you.

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Lweji · 21/07/2016 20:28

Thanks. It went well.
My dad was well liked and we have some great friends who also came by (those who could), as well as relatives.
The children were able to come and I think it was great they could say goodbye. He had a sort of smiling face.

Original poster

Mummylin · 21/07/2016 20:40

Glad it all went so well, it certainly helps having good family and friends around to help you through the day. I actually found ( apartfrom the actual service ) the funeral was more manageable than I thought possible. Now take the time to reflect and do your grieving, don't neglect yourself, it's so easy to miss meals etc.

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missmeg3leg · 21/07/2016 20:48

Hi Lweji, biggest hugs in the loss of your dad 💐💐💐 always here to chat...

Hi Mummylin, today has been tough, very tough...but I have quietly celebrated my birthday as mum would have wanted, I can't comprehend that today was the 1st that wasn't "our birthday" & it never, ever will be again. OH has been fabulous, he took a day off work & we pottered round local garden centre & went to a lovely country pub for lunch & sat out in the sunshine, feeling exhausted & drained now, but, I did it....

Lweji · 21/07/2016 20:48

I did last night, but with a young DS I have to keep having meals. :)
Keeping busy also helps. It's all so fast, but at least we had closure soon rather than later.

Lweji · 21/07/2016 20:51

That's good, missmeg3leg. :)

Potentialmadcatlady · 21/07/2016 22:22

Thinking of you all today...it's so hard..you are all so brave...I got told today 'I don't know how you are coping at the minute' ...I don't know either...

Original poster

Mummylin · 21/07/2016 23:13

missmeg I promise that eventually you will enjoy your birthday again, at the moment it's all so new, it may take you a while but the day will come. Well done on coping today.
lweji your ds will be such a godsend to you, although of course he is already, but the fact you have to feed him will help you too.
potentialcatlady we aren't brave, but we have to get through in anyway that we can, it's different for everyone , but the basics are the same. We have all lost family that we loved and all feel the same heartbreak. It really does help to chat to others in the same position. No -one who hasn't gone through this can understand in the same way, it's all so sad.

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Lweji · 22/07/2016 02:48

It's true.
I was in the funeral of a close friend"s dad just two weeks ago and most of our friendship group (in our fourties) had already lost a parent.
It really meant a lot that this friend was also there today, being so strong and for us, when she was crumbling just weeks ago. Same chapel and a very close plot.

It looks like sleep isn't coming so easily today, but I'll try. Unloading here helps. And some MN nonsense elsewhere for distraction. :)

Original poster

Mummylin · 22/07/2016 10:16

I found it incredibly hard to watch the rest of the world going about their normal business, I used to want to scream " don't you know my mum just died "
I think most people find out their real friends at times like this, so many stories of how after a week or two the friends lose interest and withdraw support for you.
It sounds like you have a great friend who supported you yesterday lweji
She put you before herself. What a lovely quality to have.
Best thing is to just get through each day as best as you can for now , especially when it's so new for you, take care.

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alisonP83 · 24/07/2016 15:21

Hello. I am glad I found this thread. My mum died of cancer last month she was 64 my dad died 5 years ago of a heart attack at 57.
I think I am in a massive state of denial as my mum was my best friend and i'm sure I should be sadder. I just feel relief that she is free from pain and suffering. I miss her like crazy but I feel like I have just accepted life is just very, very unfair.

Original poster

Mummylin · 24/07/2016 16:04

Hello Alison I am so sorry that you have had to join us here, another person who has had the double upset of losing both parents.
As you say, life can be very unfair, I understand the relief you must be feeling, but I am sure the other emotions will soon kick in as well. I hope you were able to build some very happy memories together, which you will be able to look back on some day and have a little smile. I felt very lost when I lost my dear mum, I could not imagine a life without her at the time, but as they say, life does go on, albeit a different kind of life. Do you have siblings that you can get support from or other family members ? Take a day at a time for now, you will eventually get through this.

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alisonP83 · 24/07/2016 16:36

I have an older sister who I see quite often and a very supportive husband who my mum loved dearly. I look at other people my age (30) with both their parents and rather than feeling jealousy I just feel that my life obviously wasn't meant to be like that. It is very sad I have cried a bucket load of tears but I used to speak to her daily and visit all the time so I don't regret anything which helps.

Original poster

Mummylin · 24/07/2016 17:07

I am glad that you have your Dh and sister supporting you. You are very young to of lost both parents. I can empathise with the tears. The thing is you can have a few hours feeling ok, then all of a sudden it hits you again. I think it's the worst feeling in the world. Like you I saw my mum loads, she would come round daily for a cup of tea, unlike you my mum had not been ill so it was a terrible shock.
Are you having to deal with the arrangements ? Will you and your siste do it together ? It's such a sad time , the last thing any of us wants is to be arranging funerals isn't it. I hope that you will look after yourself, normal meal times and good sleep at night, it all helps.

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alisonP83 · 24/07/2016 18:30

Funeral all done it went very well, well as well as they can do. We are fortunate mum had many good friends and we have a large family helping us through so most definitely not alone.

Original poster

Mummylin · 24/07/2016 21:22

I found it really helped to have my siblings, we are all very close and without them I don't know how I would of coped at all. Didn't realise you had the funeral already. I hope that went ok. Do you have to see to your mums property. Clearing out can be horrible, I have so many boxes of my mums stuff still here that I couldn't bear to throw out. And I still don't know what's in half of them after 4 yrs !

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alisonP83 · 24/07/2016 21:50

Yes she passed away in may so been a few months now. We still have her house it's the house we grew up in so in no rush to sell it. I have to find space for all the stuff she was storing for me!

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