Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

Hi eitak I'm sorry you are struggling but glad that you have been to see your doc. It does indeed seem that some people have very short memories. We are all just expected to get on with things as normal, when in fact things are far from " normal " and never will be again. They just see us from the outside, they don't know the pain that we are feeling inside. And I think it makes others feel better if they see us being normal. But unless someone has lost a much lived parent, they have no idea how devastating it is. It is still early days for you, so just take each day as it comes for now.

potential oh my god, what a terrible time this is for you. Do you have someone to give you the support you need at this time. I hope the outcome is not as you fear. Thinking of you.

Funeral was yesterday and went as well as these things can go. Feeling absolutely exhausted as I haven't been sleeping. I took a day off sick today as I have used my 5 compassionate days and our head is a pain about absences. Hoping to get some sleep over the weekend so I can last till the end of term

Hello petunia glad to see that the funeral went as well as could be expected. I am sure you are stressed and exhausted now, but hopefully you don't have long until you break up for the summer holidays. Then you can maybe relax a bit. I hope you are coping ok and that you soon will feel more at peace.

Thanks Mummylin..I feel like I'm in an episode of Jeremy Kyle....or in the middle of a monsoon...seriously can't believe that things just keep going from bad to worse... Just walking into the hospital took more strength than I thought I had left in me..wanted to lie down on the floor and scream and scream and scream.... Family members there who I haven't spoken to me once since Mums funeral.. Staff nurse trying to explain what's happening to my Dad while he shouts at me not to talk to the 'stupid nurse who's not in charge'... Fed up just completely fed up..want to lie down go to sleep and not wake up

Etiak22.. I have never had anxiety before but after my Mums death I do..beatablockers,diazepam and sleeping tablets are my current friends ( I normally hate taking tablets and avoid them totally but have given in) ... Every time I feel a little better I panic because then it's like people just expect you to get on with it while inside your falling apart.. I don't know if this is the right thing to say to help or not but I'm finding as time goes on that my anxiety is a little easier to deal with ,not because it's going away but more because it's my new normal.. Not sure if that makes sense but I hope you ok tonight

I lost my mum 11y ago and and just can't seem to get past it. The grief just pops up all the time. It's become more raw since having children and I feel resentful towards my poor MIL simply because she isn't my mum. I could really do with some help with the kids as my DH is going away and I'm sad all over again that my mum isn't here to help. I've been having therapy for depression and more recently anxiety where I realised that my grief is likely a big contributing factor but I'm not sure what to do with that realisation!

Hi sparky I am sorry to see that you are still badly affected after all these years, but glad that you have been having therapy . Are you finding it helpful ? It's like a vicious circle, you get down and so think of the sad times and so it's constantly in the forefront.
Are you angry with your mum because she isn't here to see her grandchildren ? Don't be angry, feel sorry on how much she has missed out on on. We will never recover from losing our mums, but we do have to learn to live with it otherwise the grief takes over our lives. I hope that your therapy will give you some kind of peace, it's not nice for you to constantly have this on your mind after all this time.

Thanks Mummylin. I'm not having therapy any more which I don't think is a good thing but sometimes I just don't want to face my issues! It has helped but has brought a lot to the surface and not continuing has contributed to the way I am feeling now. I thought I had dealt with my grief but it has recently become clear that I haven't and I don't really understand why I seem to be having some sort of prolonged grief reaction. So I'm floundering a bit.

Is it possible that you can ask to have some more appointments ? Clearly you are still having trouble coping with this and it's hard to move on when you are still feeling so sad about it.
I know in the beginning I used to think I couldn't possibly live without my mum, despite having my own children and grandchildren. Thankfully that awful feeling gradually went. It was just my reaction when we lost my mum so unexpectedly.
Can you ring a bereavement centre who may be able to help you ?

I might see if I can see someone. I'm glad things have got better for you, how long has it been? I really feel that after 11y I shouldn't be feeling this way

It's been 4 & 1/2 years now but often feels like yesterday. ! It just takes a certain bit of music or her fav to prog and it takes me right back there all over again. I'm ok most of the time, but will always miss her terribly. Hope you manage to get to see someone soon.

sort of marking my place here.
My dad died just over 4 weeks ago, and I'm not quite sure now I'm supposed to be feeling.
I got married last weekend - and what with his short illness, then the funeral and then the wedding, it was a very intense few weeks. But now that's all over, and I'm back at work, and the kids are in nursery, and day-to-day everything is back to normal and nothing has changed. But everything has changed.
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to process it all. I haven't even cried much. Almost like I don't have time to but mostly I don't want to think about it, or cry too much as it's too painful.

It sometimes feels like he's forgotten already. Or I'm scared about forgetting him. Maybe I'm in denial. I just feel very disconnected from everything.
Anyway, posting here to see if it helps begin to digest it all...

Aw flip flop I'm sorry for your loss... It must have been a difficult bittersweet few weeks...I'm didn't cry for the first few weeks... Was scared to let it start... I was able to put a photo of my Mum on my fridge this week..I see it every time I open the fridge.. I don't think it will be possible to forget your Dad... And feeling disconnected is exactly what I feel a lot..my counsellor said that that's normal ( whatever normal is).. Thinking of you...

Hello flip what a lot of different emotional things you have faced in the last few weeks. I would imagine that your brain is all over the place for now and as you say. Things have not been processed yet as it is all too much to take in for now. Your tears will come eventually and that will do you a world of good to release some of the emotions that you have. Nothing can be rushed, everything will happen in its own good time. For now just get through each day and don't worry too far ahead. I am very sorry for your loss, we all know how painful and sad it is. Rest assured, you will not forget your dad.

sparkydo, I feel the same as you, my mum died 4 years ago nearly and its affected so many different parts of my life that I feel I'm no nearer getting over it than I was at the beginning. I'm able to hide it and carry on as normal but inside I'm churned up. I've got really bad health anxiety and I know its all mixed up in losing my mum. I'm estranged from the blood family I have left as I can forgive the way they were after mum died. I wish I could move on and forget it but I cant, its too deep. I understand your resentment of your MIL, shes probably a lovely woman but shes not your mum so she'll never be good enough. Its never ending. I've been referred to see a psychologist as I just feel I need help within my head. I dont want to live with constant resentment and hurt and anger but I cant get rid of it. had bereavement counselling after mum died but the issues are all still with me. Sometimes I wish I could lift off my head and out a new, fresh one on!! I need to break the cycle I'm in but I dont know how.

anyway sorry for the ramble, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone x

as I cant forgive ^^(though I wish to god I could)

Hi everybody. Sadly I have just lost my lovely dad. His funeral will be next week. I really want, and need to get up and speak about him at the service but I can't seem to say anything about him at the moment without crying. Any tips? I really want to be brave and confident for him, not a blubbing mess.

Ssd thanks so much for your support. I hope you get the support you need. I requested to see a psychologist again but because I have a history of depression the referral was redirected to see a mental health nurse, which is not what I think I need . I totally get what you say about a new head, I totally think I need a new one too!

Green I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure I have any tips really but no one will mind if you cry when you are speaking. At my mum's funeral I did a reading rather than a eulogy because I didn't feel able to talk about her without breaking down. I took some time finding a poem that expressed his I felt and read that verbatim. Strangely I have no idea today what that reading was. If you don't want to do that you could just make sure you read from a page what you have written? Focusing on something as mundane as reading can help you get through. But please don't feel you can't cry as I think it's an important part of the grieving process. People don't mind. I wish you all the best.

*what I felt

Hello greentea I can't help you with this question as I didn't have to do anything like that, but I know that others in the past on this thread have managed to read something out, and they coped very well, despite it being so upsetting.
I guess if you can just concentrate on what you are saying / reading and try not to look at all the other mourners this may help, I really don't know.
I was just a sobbing wreck at my mums funeral and would not been able to cope, but one of my brothers spoke and did it very well.
I am very sorry for your loss. It is a horrible time for you and your family. I hope you can manage to do what you wish.
ssd I know how hard it has been for you.

I didn't say anything at my dads service but I did make a toast to him at my wedding which was about three weeks after he died. My voice broke but I just talked through it. You may be surprised at how you manage to do it.

Thanks I am determined to do it. I will type it up and spend next week practising. It doesn't help that my brother and I are disagreeing over aspects of the service, and I am getting unreasonably upset over little things like the choice of music.

greentea I'm sorry for your loss.

I spoke at my dads funeral last year. My brother offered to do an obituary straight away and at first I said there was no way I could speak but after a week or so I started to change my mind. I figured I only had one chance to do it and if the worst happened and I ended up an emotional mess I could get my DH to take over.

I found a piece on the internet that was really fitting, I had a night googling funeral readings (and crying), and as soon as I read this one I knew it was perfect. I read it a hundred times over until it lost emotion for me, and then when it came to the day my husband stood at the front with me. I think I made it through on autopilot. I also went first so it was out of the way and then I could just concentrate on the rest of the service (in tears).

It wasn't easy but I felt it was something I needed to do for my dad.

Thank you rainshowers

Hi all,

My mum passed away when I was 13 and I still think about her everyday. Someone once told me that grief comes in waves... A lot of the time it's smooth sailing, but then suddenly it can hit you and leave you breathless. I never sought counselling when I was younger and feel that I never properly grieved and have missed the opportunity to fully talk it out with someone. My dad moved on very quickly and me and my sister have a lot of built up bitterness which has also affected our grieving process.
My advice to you, greentea; I somehow managed to sing at my mum's funeral. What got me through it was being able to see the door to the church which was wide open as it was a lovely day. I completely forgot there were people watching and felt like I was singing to her as she watched me at the back of the church. if you have somewhere to focus on it may help you, but please do not worry about getting upset. No one will judge you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Hello everyone, sadly I join your group as mum died of pneumonia following a diagnosis of MND just 7 months ago. In a very short space of time she became a quadriplegic and her voice / swallowing was just starting to be affected too. She died just 9 days after her 68th birthday and although I live at the other end of the country, I was there for her birthday and then although I was in Nice when she went into hospital, I was also there for her last 2 days. A horrible 2 weeks, but funeral went better than I expected - I cried but held it together so much more than I had imagined. I just feel like I'm totally in denial -the last 7 months have been quite challenging wtih visiting her and watching her decline so quickly, but now I can't quite believe she is really gone and I am just so sad.