Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

Hi all - having occasional moments but doing ok.

Sorry if this offends anyone but I had a bit of a "woo" moment today!

I was clearing my dad's place (almost done now) with my sister and she asked if the store I work in sold display books in which you could display things like exam certificates etc. I said we did and described them and she said she would like one in black,12 pages for her son.

Fine so I was at work today, busy with a display and had forgotten the conversation to be honest. I then had a sudden compulsion to look down the other end of the store. As I did, I watched something fall off the shelf (I was at least ten feet away)

It was a black display book, 12 pages. Gave me a smile and I bought it after I finished work, felt I had to!

moreslack - that's lovely - I certainly don't discount 'signs'/coincidences/call them what you will like that!

Dad died 17 years ago today. Today, work was pretty shitty but I thought of Dad and wondered how he'd bear up. He'd have been resilient, as cheerful as possible, he'd have worked hard. So I tried to do all of that, too!

Here's to you, Dad - miss you, love you. And here's to all our Mums and Dads - wherever they are .

Much love to you Tyririom and for your dad.paying respect to you sir!

Hi, back again on this thread after a couple of weeks.
I think when I last posted about my dad having died suddenly and unexpectedly of a cardiac arrest I was in shock.
For the first week or two I felt nothing - well not nothing but I genuinely did feel 'ok' I thought about my dad constantly but not in a bad way more in a remembering every little detail about him - even things I thought I had forgotten and would randomly burst out laughing or have a little smile (my dad was a very funny man!)
Now, nearly one month on from his death the funeral is coming up on Thursday.
At first my mum said oh don't worry too much about it just wear a pretty dress and all you'll have to do is sit through the short service. But now its become a big 'thing' as my mum said I need to wear something smart and black - I've been shopping multiple times and now have a selection of 3 dresses, a new black coat and I've booked hairdressers, nails and makeup. As a family member put it 'you're your dads only child, you're his legacy, you need to look nice'. No pressure then! Obviously its not exactly a hardship to go shopping and all that for my dad and I do feel like it is helping to distract me from the funeral. I feel guilty for treating it like a fashion show when who even cares what I'm wearing the point is that my dad has died.
So for the first couple of weeks I felt numb but now I feel sad. I generally feel ok during the day as I have Uni and a toddler and just am generally really busy in the daytime but night times are so much harder. I almost always cry myself to sleep. I just miss my dad like crazy we were so close and he was always there for me and now he's not. He would always help and support me through everything and now he's not here and I don't understand how I can do things without him. I just miss him and it sucks.

I went to see my 97 year old mum in the Chapel of Rest today, I had laid her out after her death as the care home refused to do it, the body in the Chapel of Rest seemed very very different to the person that was my mum. I sat a while and thanked mum for being my mum, but the room felt very empty - difficult to describe - like her "essence" had gone? It felt very disconnected as compared to when I sat with her just after she had died she still felt very "present" and indeed continued to feel that way for the several hours it took for the police to ascertain there were no suspicious circumstance (after which the care home could have laid her out but declined to do so) and for the police undertakers to take her body to the hospital for a Coroners report. I am a long time lapsed Catholic but this experience has made me question some things - can anyone relate to this? I am sorry I haven't read through the entire thread as still grieving, thank you for reading.

Oh Soulsesrcher101, I am so sorry for you loss. I lost my mum 6 months ago. I am still struggling without her. I am a catholic who feels guilty about not being a better catholic- hope that makes sense. Before mum died I definitely believed her essence/soul would be going to a better place. Now that she's gone, I am desperate to "feel" her and I think I have but I am fearful that I'm imagining it. I have doubts that I will see her again but I think it is my fear and grief that is making me scared about it all. I want a guarantee but of course that's not possible. It sounds to me that you had a very difficult time at the end - particularly with the way the care home treated you and your mum. You looked after her right to the end - not everyone would have had the strength to do that - you should take comfort from that. Thinking of you.

Hi Lucy You have had a long wait for the funeral to take place, I'm sure this can only make your stress levels rise. It is normal for you to realise now that your dad really has gone from this life. If only we knew where ! Your situation was such a shock for you and your family , it takes a lot to accept what has happened. But it maybe that without oxygen he would of had further damage which would of been awful for him. He died knowing he was dearly loved and you knew he also loved you. I feel the right decision was made by you and the family. I know it must hurt.
I hope the funeral will be as you want it to be, take care, and get through one day at a time. There isn't a quick way to recover from a loss. You will do it in your own time. 💐

Hi just stumbled across this thread - can I join please? I'm not sure if I 'qualify' - it's 28 years since I lost my dad - I was a teenager at the time. Had a bit of a funny old weekend though which has put my dad right back in the forefront of my thoughts.

It's a long time ago, but it still effects me more than I usually let on (in RL anyway). I think I became quite closed off with my emotions at a young age because of it - my friends and family joke that I never cry (and that's pretty much true). But this weekend DH & the DC & I were taking turns to choose music videos to watch on youtube - and one choice of mine turned into me playing a bit of montage of songs my dad loved - and also turned into me having a bit of a crying session - which was weirdly nice in a way - and a bit shocking for everybody else....

Anyway, I've never seen this thread before and there it was on 'Trending' just now

Hello soul I am so sorry that your sorrow has been made worse by the way your mum was treated. How awful for you. Thank goodness she had you.
I understand what you mean about being so different in the chapel of rest. But the life has gone and it's a shock to see someone you love like that.
How wonderful for her to have such a great age. What a lot she must of seen in her life. But whatever the age of a person. It is devastating to those who loved her.
I think that probably death raises a lot of questions, which I don't think anyone has the answers to be honest.
I am sure by now all the arrangements have been made for your final goodbye and I hope it will all go smoothly.
Then take time for yourself. Cry if you need to. It's normal. But a loss takes a while to get used to and also it's a life changing situation for you.💐

Just to add - sorry to say I've not read the thread yet but will do - and to everybody on here.

Hello Jazz of course you can join in here. Grief is grief no matter how long ago.sometimes I think about my mum and it just seems like yesterday although it's now five years. I still find myself going through that whole awful day. The thing is we can never forget someone that we loved, no matter when it happened and I can well imagine that playing some songs could spark you off reminiscing. Then you are reminded once again of what you have lost. It's a sad situation and I feel for you.
We all try and put a " happy " face on , but the sadness is still inside us and always will be. 💐

hi mummylin and all the new posters on this thread

sorry I havent been around, I felt like I was moving on, the mystical "moving on" that people expect us to do after a heartbreaking loss, well its over 4 years for me and I thought I was doing well, but today I'm off work with too much time to think and I miss mum and going out to see her sooooo much. I miss everything from my childhood, everything being familiar, people I've known since I was small. When mum died it all went and now theres just me dh and the kids and my life here, my other life has gone. And I just crave a teeny tiny bit of it today, just 5 minutes, just to calm me down and centre me again. Without that I feel I'm all over the place, with a brave smile on and a broken heart. When mum died I just sat in her house as I knew I'd never get that feeling back again, that feeling of being home. I didnt want to leave it. But her keys had to go back to the council 2 wks later so that was that.

I'm still trying to make sense of it all, trying to make sense of my siblings complete and utter lack of care for me or mum, or dad come to think of it, its like they arent family, as mum said to me once. And she was never one for talking bad of anyone but she knew the score there.

The grief counsellor was right, I lost so much more than my mum when she died. I feel like I ache for her. And I've got health anxiety, I'm terrified of getting ill, terrified of finding something wrong as for me when something goes wrong you just get worse and worse and die, like mum and dad did, and with both them gone I feel its my turn now and I'm expecting the worst to happen now. I had CBT but I dont know if it touched the surface.

I'm so sorry to everyone on this thread who has lost someone very dear to them, it does get better but it never goes away. I'm sorry this post is all about me but I had to get it out.

ssd how lovely to see you , although I'm sorry to see that things aren't much improved. Yes you did lose more than your mum, you lost your siblings too as they were too selfish to help you to do anything weren't they. I don't think you will ever really recover from how they were at the time, but eventually it will be a brilliant day when you say your life is happy again, in spite of them.
You had a lot to cope with back then, as you say not only the loss of your mum, but the clearing of the house etc all fell on your shoulders. And you didn't have much time. Have you still got boxes of stuff, I have !!!
Makes you wonder, what your siblings thought was going to happen if you hadn't of done everything, who did they think was going to do it ?
It seems that everything is very near the surface for you still. Are you still seeing anyone to help you through.
I think you thinking about your own death us quite a common thing, when parents die, we then think that we are next in line. We orobably are in the natural order of things, but not for a long time yet !
You have to get the most out of every day and enjoy life as much as you can and not worry about your own mortality.
Maybe you can go back to see another grief counsellor. It's lovely to see you 💐

hi mummylin, thanks for such a kind message. I'm ok, just feeling a bit raw today so I'm off to the shops to keep busy. My siblings dont change, they didnt think of me at the time and never asked how the clearing out of mums house went or how I found it all....strange behaviour to me, very selfish and shallow. Theres nowt as queer as folk!! Just feels a bit unnatural when they are the only family I have now. Anyway, thanks again, and how are things with you, the baby must be getting big by now and at the crawling stage, into everything!

He started crawling last week ssd ! It was move collapse, move collapse but now has the hang of it. He has two bottom teeth, can roll over both ways and is developing his own little personality. He is so cute. He is 6 and a half months now. They come over most days at some point!

Thanks mummylin

Oh yes I absolutely feel we made the right decision. He had numerous scans and everything at the hospital and excellent 1 to 1 care but they made it clear that there was irreparable and severe damage. He wasn't conscious any of the time he was in the ICU he couldn't even blink or move anything there was no signs of consciousness and to top it off he was in a constant seizure the whole time so it wasn't even as if he was 'peaceful' he was constantly fitting. To go from healthy, fit and active 53 year old to that in the blink of an eye with little warning was an awful shock but I absolutely believe we made the right decision. It's just hard to get your head around things like this isn't it.

awww thats so sweet mummylin, your family sound lovely!

Thank you Mummylin

Afternoon everyone, sorry to those who remember me that i have been away so long, how are you all doing? and what is going on with you? and to everyone who has joined here since this last time i came along im sorry that your here but i hope that it gives you the great support that it did me and does for others. I have stayed away for a while through busyness really! and the lack of an ap which stopped me hopping on. Since we last spoke I am much better in terms of my anxiety but have had another bout of vertigo which is still hanging on. Most of you know that my mum passed away in 2012, she was 45 and had cancer, my grandparents had 3 children and unfortuantly a couple of weeks ago their son, my uncle passed away suddenly after a brain aneurysm. They didnt see eye to eye and had lost contact over time but i still spoke to his son so took my nan and grandad to see him in the intensive care unit and then in the chapel of rest which they wanted to do. so as you can imagine its been a trying time with my grandparents health already being poor and my nan not dealing well with the loss of two of her children - but we plough on and try to keep them going. So If your listening mum i hope you have found your brother and are reconciled, life was too short for both of you and for the time lost over petty feuds and grudges that cant even be remembered. rest easy with your brother x

hi sm! nice to see you again. thats a lovely message to your mum and I'm sorry about your uncle. God your family has really had it hard the last few years. . But I'm glad your anxiety is getting better although I know how hard vertigo is, I've had labrynthitis, it's similar to vertigo, awful and you just don't know how long it'll last. I can imagine you are doing all you can for your grandparents, just don't forget to look after yourself a bit too

My lovely mum died in a freak accident when she was on holiday last July. She was only 70 and I never got to say goodbye. I can go weeks where I'm kinda ok but today sucks and I don't know why. I miss her so much.

My dad died of cancer nearly 13 years ago, I was with him till the end. I know that in time I'll feel less raw, it's just so hard and I find myself resenting friends and my wonderful DP who still have both parents.

SM how lovely to see you. I'm so sorry to read about your mums brother, how awful for your poor Nan and grandad. How unfortunate that they had lost contact. But even in the intensive care unit, we were still told to speak to my sister as she may hear,so hopefully your uncle would of known his mum and dad were there.
Sorry to see you have vertigo, that must be horrible. And how is your ds these days ? My robin was out again at Christmas time !

Hello Dame. How awful for you to lose your mum in such a horrible way. And it must of been such a terrible shock for you at the time.
It is still only a matter of a few months ago, so I am not a bit surprised that you get your times when you feel so sad. I think you will probably experience this for quite a while, but gradually you will get stronger and the bad times will be less often. But the first year there are so many special days, birthdays, mothers days etc, this is when it will probably affect you too. It's hard, but things do improve eventually. Hoping you have good RL support as you may still need it for now. 💐

Dame, my dad also died suddenly in an accident 18 months ago. He was only 58 and was killed instantly so we had no chance to say goodbye and no warning.

I find I have days where I feel 'normal' (as normal as I get these days), and then others where doing anything is a struggle. But as mummylin says, the bad days do seem to be slowly getting less frequent and the second anniversaries don't seem quite so raw as the first. Thinking of you.

hello Dame, I get the resentment thing, I know it's totally irrational and I wouldn't tell anyone else about it, but I can admit it on here. I feel resentment when I see my friends with their mums and dads or when a neighbor's parents pop in a lot and help out with the kids or the garden or walk the dog or whatever. We've got no grandparents left at all now and I'd give anything for my kids to have their gran. It sucks, big time

I've just learnt to hide it well, my hearts a lot harder now.