Support Thread For Anyone Who Has Lost A Parent

[Mummylin]

Everyone is welcome here if they need support for their loss. It's a thread no -one wants to join sadly, but it does help to chat to people who are going / or gone through the same thing

Hello thirza welcome
frazzle i want to rage at the world yes we are dressed and kids at school etc but inside my hearts shattered and I am not OKso totally understand that feeling.good luck with your pregnancy BTW
moreslack hand holding for cremation(both hands)

Hi everyone...I have been avoiding here for a while..trying ( unsuccessfully) to move forward and 'get on with things' but have now finally realised that that isn't working. I'm back to allowing the sad thoughts back in in the hope that if I listen to them they will finally keep a bit quieter- some days it works, other days it doesn't. Riding the waves I think it's called. I keep thinking about that story about how grief is like being in an ocean and how gradually although the waves keep coming you get better at keeping your head above water. My doctor wants to get me off my meds but the surgery doesn't have any appts so not sure how that's going to happen because I'm not ready and I'm not allowed to stop them without medical supervision..
I'm so sorry for everyone's loses.. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to write something semi useful and sensible..but I do send hugs and peaceful thoughts

Hi , the eulogy took shape very quickly. I wrote the basic outline and then consulted with my sisters to add some memories. I'm not reading it, we are putting it in the service leaflet. It's a non religious ceremony as dad wanted. We met with the celebrant Thursday.

Dad was a very frequent visitor to Benidorm both with my mum and after she died, he came with me and my ex boyfriend in 2009. He was treated like royalty once they realised mum had passed and wow did we get some free drinks 😂

So for the "curtains at the crem" moment? Y Viva Espana - hope that gives you all a smile.

Oh he didn't just go with me and my ex, he went around seven times after my mum died, only stopping when his passport expired in 2012.

When I encouraged him to renew it, he was like "I'm not going to get my ten years out of it!" 😂

Practical to a T.

potential knowing you aren't alone helps.you don't have to be sorry for not being strong enough,or feel you aren't writing the right things.you are here with us,and we with you.xx

catlady you do what you need to do. We are here for you xxx

This is what the thread is about. Supporting each other, it's really lovely to see.

Stilllivnginazoo...Thankyou..u have no idea how much that means..
Thankyou Everyone...another day survived

Hi all,
Spent the last 24 hours reading through this whole thread & feeling all of your pain.
My dad passed away from cancer just over 3 weeks ago. Although he had been ill it happened quite suddenly at the end, which I'm grateful for for his sake, but was hard breaking the news to others & obviously dealing with the shock ourselves. I'm very lucky in that I'm one of four siblings & we are helping each other out. I feel so sad for my mum, they met at a bus stop (bus never showed & he walked her home) when young so I just feel like they were so meant to be & deserved longer together.
The funeral was Thurs, it was better than I expected but my cousin saying "he was taken too young, he had a lot more to give" really upset me. I know people think they are being kind by saying someone has been taken too young, but it makes me so utterly devastated & frustrated that I don't want to hear it. He was 68 (I'm so sorry for those who have had their parents taken away sooner though). I'm expecting twins and it just kills me that he won't meet them - everyone at the funeral was coming up to me & saying wow twins! I just keep thinking ssssh it's not fair that this amazingly lucky life chance of twins has blessed me when he can't be here to share it with me. It feels so pointless. & then I feel guilty for feeling that way about them & that something bad will happen to them. I have a DS who turned 2 the week after he died, my dad just loved the absolute bones of him & the feeling was reciprocated, he asks for his pops every day he was just his absolute favourite & my heart breaks in to pieces each time. I've never seen him so happy since he became a grandad & I want many more years of that. Every day my son does something new or someone says how bright he is & I just can't help but feel so sad that my dad can't see it so I can't even enjoy it. I'm so so jealous of anyone I know who's kids still have their grandad. I'm also jealous of my DHs parents (who are lovely) who get to enjoy him & the twins (all being well). I just don't even want to spend any time with them I feel resentful.
My dad was one of the kindest, most gentle & intelligent men & im so angry at the world that he's gone (even though he would not want me to be angry), when lovely people tell me how wonderful it was & how much he adored his family it makes me feel 100 worse.
Sorry for the lengthy post xxx

Hello...my wonderful mum died on Wednesday I feel so raw, I cry at the drop of a hat not even a trigger. It doesn't sneak up on me it gives me no warning just blindsides me.

I know that people are wanting to reach out and are doing that the best way they can but bloody hell some of the condolence messages make me angry

'Sorry for your loss, keep strong' WFT?! Strong for who?? I've been strong I watched my mum die I HAVE BEEN STRONG!!! Surely now I'm allowed to come away at the seams just a little?

Others such as 'sorry to hear your sad news, hope you're ok' yeah I'm fine thanks

I absolutely know people mean well and many struggle with what to say..some have given me a giggle for all the wrong reasons.

I'm so upside down, I feel sick constantly

Hi Mimi I actually do know part of how you are feeling. My duster was expecting twins when our mum suddenly and unexpectedly died. It was awful and then when my brother and I started to clear mums house. There were all the little baby coats mum was knitting for them. So I do understand how sad that your dear dad won't get to meet them. But your babies will carry on your dads genes as you do, so he will never be gone completely.
I am very sorry for your loss. It certainly does help having siblings, I don't know how I would of coped without mine. Take time to grieve and don't rush anything. Good luck with your babies, do pop back and let us know when they arrive. You are the second expectant mum on here today. It's the circle of life isn't it 💐

Hi lazy ( seems a bit wrong writing that ). It is sometimes very difficult for people to know what to say to a recently bereaved person. Some ignore it altogether which is very very hurtful.
It is understandable you are having a lot of tears, I don't think it's wise to bottle it all up. The first few weeks are full of tears, sometimes when you least expect them, you hear a certain song that your mum liked or something like that, or a special to programme. There will be brighter days ahead eventually, but at the moment I expect you don't think that's even possible. I hope you have good RL support, that is what helps to get you through this awful time. 💐

I'm not really one for posting for "support" ever before now. But I feel I'm in a very dark place. I lost my beautiful mum and best friend 9 months ago aged just 61. I don't know how to continue to function without her. I'm doing my best because of my father, who is just heartbroken and I'm the main source of support as you get siblings have busy lives or aren't near by. But it's breaking me. People seem to think I'm being incredibly strong but I think it's getting worse, not better. I have 4 kids who adored their grandma and they are suffering too. Our 2nd child has bottled up her grief and is now ready to combust, we have a counselling referral for her but it hasn't come through yet. I can't sleep without relieving the months of hell my mother went through with her treatment and poor hospital care. It's all consuming. So I've ended up drinking even more than I did when she was ill. Now I'm at a stage where I'm drinking a bottle of wine every night just to sleep. Not to think. I don't want to be this person but I don't know how to fix myself. I know the alcohol is now making me so ill but I don't seem able to stop as the grief then consumes me. I can't speak to my gp as my other half is a doctor in the same practice and I worry about his reputation (this is my worry, not his at all, I know he wants me to get better). I just don't seem able to be strong enough to face the stopping drinking without drowning in grief. My daughter needs me to be strong for her as she is suffering so badly too. But I can't fix it. What do I do?

Hello Netty I can feel your unhappiness in your post. You are still in the midst of your grieving, nine months isn't a long time. A lot of experts say it takes at least two years to finally feel so much better.
That s very sad about your dd and I'm not sure what to suggest. I know others on here have had children who have struggle and maybe they will be able to help you with that.
It's difficult for you because you have your own grief to deal with at the same time as your children's.
That is difficult that your own GP is in the same practice as your Dh. I guess it would feel very awkward speaking to someone who works with your Dh.
Unfortunately , some of the apts for counsellors take a while to come through, so it's difficult for some people to cope until then.
I understand you taking a drink to help you through, but if its now causing you a problem you know you have to try and reduce the amount.
Have you tried phoning the samaratins ? It sounds like you need at least someone to talk to. And they would listen.
Other than that I can't suggest anything else. But if any of us can help We will be pleased to do so.
Have you actually explained all this to your Dh ? You may need a short course of anti depressants or something. 💐

It's almost 12.30 am and I'm up in a state - wanting to scream and rage because I'm "only" 44 and both my parents have died.

Grr - angry

Go and punch hell out of a pillow more that will help.

Mummylin thanks so much for your reply. I think part of me needed to get this down in writing so I could see what I'm facing. My dh knows how I feel but also knows I'm terrified about seeking help as I have a couple of preexisting conditions that I constantly worry they they will "make me my mother". I adored her but I really rally don't want her genetic conditions and it seems as i get older I just gather the same things. I'm bitter towards my siblings (who I love very much) that they have no "conditions", no hospital referrals, check ups, diagnostics needed but I seem to gather them on behalf of us all. I don't want to be an ill person, I want to be better, it's not through lack of determination or will they I am. Problem is my mother was exactly the same, strong, remarkable, could take on very challenge but the cancer still killed her like her mother and brother before... And I seem to be their carbon copy. I don't want to be, but it just seems as the years go by that I'm it. I don't want you to think my life is awful. It's not, I have an amazing husband, Incredible children, a lovely family. But I don't want to be in a world without my mother long term. And I don't want to be her carbon copy and know I'm going to die young. This is so not me, not rational, not logic, not reasonable but I'm beyond that. I never considered the Samaritans as in my head they are for suicidal people. That's never me. I couldn't do that to my children. But with destructive long term impacts of drinking am I doing that anyway? I want a path for reducing my drinking that deals with my grief. Has anyone experienced both???

In the beginning I thought I could not go on without my mum, despite having adult children and grandchildren. I was grief stricken and could see no way out at all. It took me a long while to feel any happiness, I never laughed st anything that I would of laughed about with my mum, I simply stopped finding this amusing. Happily this changed and although I miss my mum terribly and always will, I am back to getting pleasure from life. But it's been 5 yrs now.
Do you think it would help you to keep a daily diary so that you can express yourself ? Write down all of your concerns.
You do need something to help you as you have the children to care for as well but you need help yourself too.
Or are there any local counsellors that you could go to privately ?

Hi, this is my first post on MN and have just found this board so decided to be brave! My mum died of cancer in October after a year of being ill. Mum and I were very close. For the first few weeks after her death it felt like I was on autopilot, we had 2 weeks to clear her rented property which she had lived in for over 50 years, we then had her funeral and I returned to work. Since Christmas it's finally hit me that she's gone and I'm never going to see her again, sounds silly I know! I feel as if I'm having a total breakdown and I cry all the time. I'm really struggling with day to day life but I daren't talk to anyone as I feel that for everyone else this is ancient history and I shouldn't still be going on about it!

Hi Tilly it's very tough when all around you life us just going on as normal for your friends. It gets that you don't want to mention your grief at all to them. Whilst inside you are crying out to let someone know his you are really feeling. To an outsider it looks on the surface that you are now " back to normal " , but as we all know that is so far from the truth.
You are not many ,I this into your grieving and I expect it's still,pretty raw for you at the moment.
The timespan when you have to suddenly clear a house can be awful, just what you don't need at that time. We had the same when my fil died.
It seems that your mum had several months of bad health, but it is still a terrible shock when we lose someone.
I also lost my mum in Oct, but 5 yrs ago now, and I still get extremely sad that she isn't here for me to phone or chat to over a cuppa.
You will come to accept the situation, but it takes a while. In the meantime, just get by as best that you can. Cry if you feel like it. Smile when you can.
💐

Hi Tilly, 4 months is still very recent..we won't ever get over this but I'm hopping to at some point find an acceptance and give myself permission to be happy again.

Be really gentle with yourself, I'm finding that people really struggle with others pain after a death their words aren't always helpful! If you can, could you try to accept where you are in this shitty process and make peace with that? it's absolutely ok to feel the way you do. October was such a short time ago..sending you some gentle hugs

netty I too am drinking far too much and have a daughter who is struggling badly with the loss of her grandmother. I feel bad that I'm not strong enough to support her. I've also developed an obsession with not wanting to die and leave my children and yet I know that I'm potentially harming myself because I'm drinking too much! Makes no sense at all!!

I would be drinking too much too, if I wasn't pregnant, so I am grateful for that to take the choice out of my hands. Although I have still had a couple of glasses this week to help me cope. It will hopefully just be a coping mechanism for now & it will be something that you don't need to rely on soon. I know it's easier said that done though. I want the babies here in May so that I can sink a bottle of wine, not a good reason.
Can anyone knock a bit of sense into me? The order of service was printed wrong - it had a photo of my dad on his wedding day on the front but then didn't include the other 2 we'd asked for. A beautiful photo of him gardening when he was younger which was his favourite hobby & then one from the summer just gone with mum, all his children & his 2 grandchildren. I am absolutely obsessing over how much I wish those 2 photos had been included for all to see & I cannot get over it. It kept me awake last night I feel so upset that others could not see those photos.

I feel anxious all the time feel sick can't take deep breaths. It's horrible. Anyone else feel like this?

Hi lazysusan
That's exactly how I feel my mum had poor health but I found her passed away a week ago and I just know I'm going to miss her so much
I feel anxious and and sick all the time and so so tired
I'm going to write the eulogy she was such an amazing person I hope I can do her proud