Flambola and Disillusioned, thank you so much for your recent messages. Im so utterly sorry for both your losses, I've seen your posts on here and my heart breaks for the loss of James and Rumer. You both seem like extraordinary women.
I'm sorry to BelleEtoile and Augustrose that I haven't replied to you. I've not been able to write down how I've been feeling for a while, please don't think is didn't appreciate you sharing your stories, I'm sorry I didn't reply at the time, we were reaching the week of Williams funeral and it all got too much.
I'm finding my way through this new life. We have good, bad, horrific and ok days, Some days are better than others, some are like walking through tar and others I feel like I can breathe, function without the constant pain in my chest for short periods.
There are two mums from my first sons class who had babies the week before I had William and having to see them twice a day at the classroom door is killing me, seeing their sons wrapped in blue blankets when mine should be next to them makes me want to vomit. That's my hardest part currently, watching them live the life I should be living. It consumes me. It makes me so angry, I'm so fed up of being angry with everyone.
I'm finding ways of coping, getting back to running in the last week or so I've found really helpful. Just exerting some force, feeling the wind in my face and music blaring in my ears makes me feel something...
My husband has gone back to work and I feel very jealous that at least he gets to go back to something, I work from home and certainly am not ready to return to work so I drop DS1 at school and then try and fill my time until it's time to fetch him again. My husband on the other hand wishes he was at home with me so I know that being at work makes him feel no better, it's just a distraction from the sad for a while each day...
Williams ashes are being interred next week and I'm dreading it but am looking forward to having somewhere to visit, to sit with him, talk, tell him off for leaving us, to have him finally at rest.
I'm finding the fact that the world just keeps on turning so hard, I know my friends are sad for us but they keep living their lives and that just seems so wrong, how can everyone's lives still be going on like before when our entire universe has imploded inwards. I look at strangers at places we go laughing or moaning about the mundane and think 'don't you know, don't you know what happened' How can you possibly be ok. I know this makes no sense it's just how I feel.
I don't hear from many people now, the first few weeks I got 20 messages a day which was lovely but a bit overwhelming but now somedays it feels like everyone has forgotten William. I guess no one really knows what to say so they just don't pick up the phone. I get it, I wouldn't know what to say to me either. People ask me how I am and I think how the fuck do you think I am? My son is still dead, everything is ruined. I guess it's one of those questions we always ask isn't it? How are you? We don't even want the answer we just ask it like a routine question.
On a positive note (if there is such a thing) I have said to my close friends that although I don't feel any better I do feel stronger, more in control of my emotions. I feel a glimmer of hope every now and then that we will be able to survive this, that we can function and make lovely memories for our first son. I don't want his life to be consumed by our sadness. He asked me only today if we would see the baby again now that we've said goodbye - he's only 3.5 yet he remembers Williams funeral. I know he won't remember for long but it feels so special to hear him talk in a simplistic way about his brother. I will be able to tell him when he's older that he said things and I know that will mean such a lot to him.
We've had all of Williams placenta tests back now and no official cause has been found aside from the fact I had a fetal maternal haemorrhage. My placenta showed no obvious signs of abruption but they said it could have just been a small shear that isn't visible and the genetic tests have come back clear. William was perfect and it makes no sense that he is not here with us. I cannot believe that I will not get to speak his name freely every day, to hold him the way I do his brother, do all of the things I wanted to do with him, to tell him how much I love him, to be his mother. The only way I can do all of this is in my mind and that has to be enough and it all feels so desperately unfair and cruel.
I'm sorry this has been a bit of a brain dump, I just sort of started typing and this has all come out. The utter exhaustion and grief of the early days has faded a little and I am doing ok but I'm scared about the future. Thank you to all who have thought of our little family and know that our hearts go out to others in pain no matter what form 