Life after stillborn - will this ever get better?

[Impatientwino]

I've been trying to post this for days but couldn't muster the strength.

DS2 was stillborn at 39 weeks last weekend. My placenta detached 24 hours before my ELCS. I did 5 days of induction but eventually he was born naturally and peacefully.

Please can someone tell me this horrific heartache will get better? It just feels so endless. Like nothing will ever be any good ever again.

The mornings are hardest when DS1 (3.5) is in nursery school, the house is so quiet and we have nothing to do but the awful practical things that need to be done.

Today has been one of the saddest days - we saw the vicar to discuss his funeral service, dropped his little outfit off to the funeral director for them to dress him in, had to go shopping for something for me to wear for his service and emptied his nursery into boxes that are now in the loft.

It's now just an stark, empty bedroom - we're going to turn it into a playroom for his big brother but it just is so horrid having a room I'm so scared of in a place we're supposed to feel safe, our own home.

Every day my stomach gets flatter and my lochia is lighter and it feels like I'm still slowly losing him.

When the sadness hits it's terrifying, the emotion is so strong I feel like I'm going to vomit and my chest is going to cave in with the pain. It feels like my brain is having to remind me ever ten minutes or so that he's gone and I just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

The midwifery team at our local hospital have been utterly amazing and are supporting us so well, as are our families and friends so we are lucky in that respect but despite it all I feel lost and alone and scared and angry, so very angry all at the same time.

Please, anyone, does this pain get better?

[Kayals]

Impatientvino I lost my little boy on the 30th May 2016, Joseph Timothy.
We are still awaiting the results from the post mortem - most likely reason is placental abruption I was 39 weeks.

Are you coping any better? I'm spending most days in a daze.

So sorry for your loss x

[Impatientwino]

I'm sorry I've missed the last few posts. I've found it too hard and too sad to look back on my thread but I'm feeling stronger now. I'm so sorry for the loss of your darling babies I truly am, such loss is horrific.

So now we are 6 months on from losing our beautiful boy I posted this on my Facebook and wanted to share it here.

6 months ago today we found out our  beautiful William had died. With no warning, no sign, no fault or incident our baby sons heart had just simply stopped. We went to the hospital that day for a c section to bring our son into the world and instead left a week later with broken hearts. The day before he was due to be born he was taken in some unimaginable cruel tragedy.  In some ways it feels like yesterday and in others I cannot remember my life before. When I look at the photo of me taken just days before, I don't know where that woman has gone, she doesn't exist anymore.

So what have the last six months been like? Honestly? Horrific, emotionally exhausting, terrifying and devastatingly sad. Some days the darkness doesn't lift, it's like trying to walk through tar and some days feel easier with work to distract me, things in my diary to do and people to spend time with. Some days I can settle into my 'new normal' and forget about things for a while.

What have the last six months taught me? That no matter how dark life gets there will be people to pull you forward, keep you going and to remind you how powerful love is. That in spite of everything when you don't think it's possible you will still be breathing at the end of the most horrific day and that you will find something albeit small to smile about during it. That family and their kindness are to be appreciated and cherished. That real true lifelong friends are rare and to be treasured. That generally people will shy away from what frightens them, what reminds them of fragility and they will act with their own interests at heart. That words are incredibly powerful and not forgotten easily, whether they are well thought out, a declaration of affection or love, words of wisdom, hope, condolence, a quick off the cuff remark or a judgement on others, words have bolstered me, lifted me up, filled me with hope and torn me down, our words carry a lasting impression so we should use them wisely or keep quiet. 

I've had the most amazing friendships with phenomenal women blossom out of this tragedy, I've had lots of friendships strengthen, I've been shown such kindness and support, I've gained a greater understanding of my friends lives and I've had friendships destroyed. Sadly I've had friends ignore my son and our loss, almost like they thought behaving like he never existed would make me more comfortable when actually it's because it makes them more comfortable. I've had people judge the depth of my grief, minimise my feelings or tell me what I should or shouldn't be feeling which is nice. I've had people look at the floor when I mention William. I've had total strangers tell me it's ok because I have another son. 

I've met some incredibly strong people who know heartache, grief or both and I'm full of admiration for them as they continue with their lives through the pain and just get on with things fighting for or without the ones they love.

I've lost my perspective of the world, my sense of reason and pretty much all my self confidence. I've learned what anxiety is and how debilitating it can be. I've learned that Sebastian is my beginning and my end and that my husband is the most amazing partner and father. I've learned that life is precious, fragile and nothing should be taken for granted. 

I should have a six month old baby son tipping yoghurt and carrot on my carpet and in my hair, keeping me up at night and on my toes. Instead I have endless time, peace and quiet, anger and resentment. 

I'm working on it every day and most days I can say it's getting slightly easier to breathe, to carry on, to learn to live in a world without William and to focus on making the happiest life I can for our little family so to everyone who has been there for us, who has supported us, been kind or even just present, asked after us, put up with me when I'm angry and grumpy, unreasonable, confused and sad, a massive thank you for your part however big or small in helping us find our new way, you give us strength to just keep carrying on, you're incredible and we love you 💙

[1234hello]

OP

You write beautifully, thank you for sharing. I have not lost a child but have and continue to deal with loss and grief and your words are helpful/insightful.

Your story and others' are heartbreaking. Life is so cruelly unfair.

I am glad you are finding strength to carry on carrying on. Xx