Life after stillborn - will this ever get better?

[Impatientwino]

I've been trying to post this for days but couldn't muster the strength.

DS2 was stillborn at 39 weeks last weekend. My placenta detached 24 hours before my ELCS. I did 5 days of induction but eventually he was born naturally and peacefully.

Please can someone tell me this horrific heartache will get better? It just feels so endless. Like nothing will ever be any good ever again.

The mornings are hardest when DS1 (3.5) is in nursery school, the house is so quiet and we have nothing to do but the awful practical things that need to be done.

Today has been one of the saddest days - we saw the vicar to discuss his funeral service, dropped his little outfit off to the funeral director for them to dress him in, had to go shopping for something for me to wear for his service and emptied his nursery into boxes that are now in the loft.

It's now just an stark, empty bedroom - we're going to turn it into a playroom for his big brother but it just is so horrid having a room I'm so scared of in a place we're supposed to feel safe, our own home.

Every day my stomach gets flatter and my lochia is lighter and it feels like I'm still slowly losing him.

When the sadness hits it's terrifying, the emotion is so strong I feel like I'm going to vomit and my chest is going to cave in with the pain. It feels like my brain is having to remind me ever ten minutes or so that he's gone and I just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

The midwifery team at our local hospital have been utterly amazing and are supporting us so well, as are our families and friends so we are lucky in that respect but despite it all I feel lost and alone and scared and angry, so very angry all at the same time.

Please, anyone, does this pain get better?

I'm so sorry for your loss. William is a lovely name.
DS1's twin brother was stillborn 4 years ago. I'm now in a place where I can think about him without sobbing (most of the time) and it no longer feels like it just happened, if that makes sense. It doesn't feel so raw anymore.

We have a memory box with his hand and footprints, photos, the blanket we wrapped him in and a lock of hair ( he had a gorgeous head of hair just like his brother). It took me a while to grieve properly because I had his twin to look after, and he was on Scbu for 3 weeks. I didn't sleep for 3 months until we found out why it happened, as I was terrified we'd lose him too. I don't remember much of those early months tbh, and felt so guilty until I had some counselling and was able to let go of that.

I can only advise you to take each day one step at a time. Don't feel guilty when your DS1 makes you smile. Talk on here as much as you need - there is always someone here who will listen and understand (unlike real life sometimes), and be kind to yourself.

If you find writing helpful my counsellor encouraged me to write letters to dd2. I have a notebook full of them. It almost doesn't matter what you say to him, just pour out all the stuff you wish you had a chance to say. I found it really helpful.

I think I'll start again for ds. I'm just not in the right place right now. I think it's best to wait until the shock wears off a bit.

I know one person who's beautiful son was stillborn. He's missed every day.

Don't shield anyone from it. I remember going round to see my friend after her boy was stillborn. Worrying about what to say and how to say it. I thought I'd seen sadness in my life until I saw her. I knew then there was nothing to say. We looked at his photos together, he was a cracking boy, gorgeous and perfect. She wanted to show him off like every other Mam with a new baby. I'd hate to think she'd spent a minute of that time worrying about protecting my feelings.

William has adorable feet.

Such beautiful little feet x

He does have the most perfect feet, they were so smooth and soft.

They normally put two hands and two feet on each clay photo frame but his hands and feet were so big they had to use two so we have one of his hands and one of his feet

I'm so very very sorry for your loss, William is a beautiful name. Thinking of you and your family

Oh Impatient I can't possibly know what you're going through but I'm so so sorry you are going through this. Bless your DS2 and I hope you can find some peace soon.

So sorry about your gorgeous little boy William.

Yes it will get easier to bear as the days,,months and years pass I promise.

Our first baby was stillborn at 39+2 almost 7 years ago. I don't have a day that passes when I don't think about him.

I recommend sands. I met some great friends on their forum and in the very dark early days we were there for each other. This might be just what you need right now.

Be kind to yourself and give your DC loads of big squeezes

Thinking of you and your family x

I'm so terribly sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy William. My heart was breaking for you when I read your post and I couldn't not write anything. I will pray for you all tonight

Sorry for your loss. My son was stillborn in 2010. The pain does get easier to deal with, although sadly, i still don't have the strength to talk about my loss without tearing up. I really rate parents who are so open. Especially on tv documentaries.
I lost my ds at 38 weeks and i also remember that outer-body experience at the hospital when arranging the funeral. It is very very difficult but it has made me who i am today.

Thank you all so very much for your help this evening, I honestly couldn't see getting through today this morning and I'm so grateful for each and every one of your posts, especially as I know they have been painful things for you to write.

A few people have PMd me but I'm on the app and can't log in to the main site for some weird reason so can't read them this evening. I'm sorry, will try again in the morning.

I'm so tired, I'm going to try and get some sleep.

A million thank yous

So sorry for your loss of your lovely William

I hope you manage some restful sleep xx

Much love to you. My son was sb in 2002.
Years later I was watching a film (Rabbithole) and they talk about the grief the mum feels having lost her son - although in the movie he was a grown up son, the quote always struck me as very true. Here it is.

Becca: Does it ever go away?
Nat: No, I don't think it does. Not for me, it hasn't - has gone on for eleven years. But it changes though.
Becca: How?
Nat: I don't know... the weight of it, I guess. At some point, it becomes bearable. It turns into something that you can crawl out from under and... carry around like a brick in your pocket. And you... you even forget it, for a while. But then you reach in for whatever reason and - there it is. Oh right, that. Which could be awful - not all the time. It's kinda...not that you'd like it exactly, but it's what you've got instead of your son. So, you carry it around. And uh... it doesn't go away. Which is...
Becca: Which is what?
Nat: Fine, actually.

And that is what it is like. It doesn't go away. But you carry it better.
Sands are brilliant.

Hi impatient. I am so sorry to hear you too are suffering this cruelty. My baby boy was stillborn in Oct 2013, 12 days before my elective c section at 37 weeks. I have been where you are now. I wouldnt wish it on anyone.
I can tell you that after 2 and a half years it is different. I still miss him every day but the grief is not so overwhelming and doesn't dominate my every thought. It is easier to think or talk about him without breaking down now.
I have recently become a befriender for SANDS so feel free to message me if you want to chat any further. I would highly recommend getting in contact with your local SANDS group for some support also. Thinking of you and your little man.

I'm so sorry for your loss, sending you lots of love and strength x

What a beautiful, eloquent post Vocational

Impatient can I please ask a favour.
If you can bear as your ds gets older can you please talk about William. Make your ds part of any birthday memorials. If you can bear allow him to talk about about his brother as he gets older.

In my home when My Mum lost my brother his name became something that wasn't allowed to be mentioned. If I did I was told not to as I upset my Mum or Dad. Even as I got older his name was only spat out in anger when my Mum was understandably struggling.

As a result as a child I believed it was my fault. If i had been better behaved (I was 3) or not naughty then my brother would have not died.
Obviously that wasn't the case but I didn't understand then or for a long long time.

I was proud of being a bit sister, i still am a big sister as far as I am concerned. I think about my brother regularly.

Much much love

*big not bit

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.

My daughter was stillborn at 39 weeks almost 4 years ago now. There was no real cause found. I remember the raw, sickening ache - it's like having an open wound.

Life does get easier over time but the first few months were a blur - it was all we could do to get through each dsy. I slept a lot because the effort of being awake n speaking to people was exhausting. I understand this might be hard to do with your eldest DS running about, but his presence will also be a comfort (do take up babysitting offers etc if it's too much to keep a brave face for him).

I joined sands and spoke to their befrienders, and attended support meetings. It helped us so much knowing our feelings were normal.

The sands group showed me that the word 'should' could be chucked away - that I didn't have to do certain things or be recovering etc in line with what made family and friends feel more comfortable. Only people who have been through the same will know how you feel.

I'm not a religious or v spiritual type but I'm sending you strength, courage and hope. Things do get more manageable in time but please be easy on yourself, allow this time to grieve for your son and accept support available.

I forgot to add my sincere sympathies to everyone on this thread who has lost a child.
Also to reiterate that Williams name should be spoken freely and with love to your eldest son. We talk to my two 'rainbow' daughters (born after my Angel DD) about their big sister in the stars. Again Sands have a lot of advice available on how to go about this appropriate to the child's age and understanding.

Vocational thank you so much for your beautiful words and for taking the time to write them. Some fantastic advice.I keep reading and re reading your post. I'm so sorry for you the loss of your daughter.

Cannot I'm sorry that was your experience. Our intention is to talk about William freely and openly with our other son as time goes on. He is a part of Williams funeral service by releasing some balloons and I have asked someone to make sure they take some photos so he will be able to look back and see he was there and involved.

Mumber I'm so sorry for your loss
The visitors we've had are lovely but exhausting. I will definitely be contacting sands shortly thank you.

I'm so grateful for all the experiences, words and thoughts everyone on this thread has shared and very moved.

I'm going to ask for this thread to be moved to bereavement as I forgot that chat posts get removed after a while and this is something I want to read and re read and hopefully your words will help other people as they come across it.

I actually had a calmer day yesterday - I think Monday when I posted was such an emotional day that yesterday I was too wiped out to cry much, my lovely bereavement midwife visited which is helping me no end and we also went to visit William in the chapel of rest for the first time and he was in his little outfit and just looked so peaceful.

I'm so glad that he's no longer being moved around or picked up/put down etc and moving past the physicality of holding him has been helpful for us too.

Well, I survived another night and actually got a couple of solid sleep chunks so starting the day feeling a little stronger. Got family coming today and DH and I heading for a long walk before they come to local parklands to get some air after we drop DS at nursery.