Life after stillborn - will this ever get better?

[Impatientwino]

I've been trying to post this for days but couldn't muster the strength.

DS2 was stillborn at 39 weeks last weekend. My placenta detached 24 hours before my ELCS. I did 5 days of induction but eventually he was born naturally and peacefully.

Please can someone tell me this horrific heartache will get better? It just feels so endless. Like nothing will ever be any good ever again.

The mornings are hardest when DS1 (3.5) is in nursery school, the house is so quiet and we have nothing to do but the awful practical things that need to be done.

Today has been one of the saddest days - we saw the vicar to discuss his funeral service, dropped his little outfit off to the funeral director for them to dress him in, had to go shopping for something for me to wear for his service and emptied his nursery into boxes that are now in the loft.

It's now just an stark, empty bedroom - we're going to turn it into a playroom for his big brother but it just is so horrid having a room I'm so scared of in a place we're supposed to feel safe, our own home.

Every day my stomach gets flatter and my lochia is lighter and it feels like I'm still slowly losing him.

When the sadness hits it's terrifying, the emotion is so strong I feel like I'm going to vomit and my chest is going to cave in with the pain. It feels like my brain is having to remind me ever ten minutes or so that he's gone and I just want to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

The midwifery team at our local hospital have been utterly amazing and are supporting us so well, as are our families and friends so we are lucky in that respect but despite it all I feel lost and alone and scared and angry, so very angry all at the same time.

Please, anyone, does this pain get better?

[KittyandTeal]

Sorry X post.

William is a beautiful name, classic and strong.

Hopefully I also remember that feeling. I said the same thing to my counsellor; I'm done, there is nothing more I can do for my beautiful dd but it's not true. I can go an visit, take flowers, remember her and a huge thing for me is trying to help people on here who have suffered the same thing. It makes me feel like she has and is having an impact on the world still.

[cathpip]

You take each day minute by minute, and then hour by hour. The pain hits you in waves that you don't see coming, then one day you will have a good day and at the end of it you will feel utter guilt because how dare you enjoy yourself when such a large part of your family is missing.
My dd age 3 died very suddenly nearly two years ago now, her little brother was 10 days old. I remember the first drive back home from school after dropping ds1 off, I cried my eyes out, I was sat at home with a sleeping baby and the house was silent, no endless chit chat or laughter or princess music just silence, it was awful.
The loneliness is ...... Well I have always said I have never felt lonelier even though I was surrounded by friends and family, esp after the funeral when everyone drifts back to their lives and you are stuck in this never ending black hole of grief.
I have found some great comfort in a thread in the bereavement section which is for mothers who have lost children, it gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone on this horrid new journey and there are others who are treading this path too.
I am so truly sorry that you have lost your precious 2nd son, I wish you lots of strength for the days to come and please post on the thread I mentioned there are some very kind ladies who really have helped me through some desperately dark days. Xx

[CormoranStrike]

I am so sorry that you and your family are suffering this. I know three people who have sadly walked in your shoes. All three handled it in different ways, there is no right or wrong way, they chose their own, or maybe just went with the flow, rather than a direction.

One came back to work a few weeks later, to fill her days. One threw herself into charity work. The other felt broken (I am sure they all did) for a longer time, or spoke about it for longer.

All three decided to try for another baby fairly quickly, and all three achieved happiness that time; so I can say that it does get better, or easier to bear.

This three little babies, H, A and F, remain part of their families though, never forgotten.

Please be kind to yourself, and may you find peace. Much love to you and your family.

Oh, and my friends all spoke highly of SANDS.

[Lilipot15]

for you and your family and so very very sorry about the loss of little William.
Life is just so unfair.
There is a miscarriage / pregnancy loss area on here in the "body and soul" section where you may come across others with similar stories. Again SANDS have been very supportive to friends of mine in the same position.
Be kind to yourself.

[Impatientwino]

Thank you so much for sharing your stories. I know I have dredged up your own experiences/grief and for that I really am sorry.

I will contacts SANDS in time, just trying to get through the days at the moment.

The hospital were amazing and there is a local charity attached to our hospital that do memory boxes for bereaved parents so we have clay imprints of his hands and feet, his hand and footprints in ink, lots and lots of photos and such thoughtful other things in the box.

His little feet were just perfect - well I say little but he was 9lb 4oz so quite big feet actually

I feel so much calmer than I did when I posted, thank you. I'm just going to take a photo of his clay feet sprint so you can see - they're just so adorable

[cakesonatrain]

Oh I am so very sorry for all of you, for the loss of your baby William.
I have never been through anything like this. But it has to get easier, doesn't it? You can't go on feeling so much pain and raw loss every day forever, can you?
Just keep breathing in and out, and taking care of each other, and do the things you can for baby William and yourselves.

[Impatientwino]

Here they are

[KittyandTeal]

He sounds beautiful. We'd love to see pics

[ghostyslovesheep]

I'm so very sorry you lost William - he sounds beautiful xxx Be kind to yourself - I have also heard good things about SANDs

[CormoranStrike]

Cross posted - William is a lovey name, and he sounds as if he was perfect, blonde hair and blue eyes, how gorgeous. You will always remember him xx

[PenguindreamsofDraco]

My son was stillborn. Yes it gets better, but the most helpful thing another bereaved parent told me was - you're not meant to get over it. It becomes part of your life, your history, your memories, it doesn't hurt as viciously, but you don't have to get over it.
We raise a glass every year to our boy and everything he might have been. He is part of us. When I go, his casket will go into my coffin with me. Life does go on but it is never the same.
My heart goes out to you.

[hopinghopefullyagain]

We had a stunning memory box too and I'd like to be able to help the charity that provides them. Did you manage to photograph his feet for us? I have one foot quite a bit bigger than the other and its really obvious in our daughter's footprints that she did too. It makes me smile.

[Roseberrry]

William is one of my favourite names! He sounds absolutely gorgeous.
It does get easier to get on with day to day life but you will always carry your grief with you, sorry. You eventually manage to put it somewhere else in your mind so that it's not all you think about all the time, but it's still there.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Rest in peace William ❤️

[littlepinkgiraffe]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I dont have any helpful advice I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run. I will be thinking of you and your little Willliam.

[angelopal]

So sorry for your loss. We lost our first suddenly at 4 days old just over 3 years ago. It does get better even though it feels like there is no way it can. I found the SANDS forum a good source of support.

I understand the feeling of being robbed. I still feel cheated out of the future we should have had.

Just take it a day at a time. It's a long road with bumps along it bit it does get easier. Take care.

[daisydalrymple]

Oh he sounds lovely impatientwino and such a good weight. I hope your aching arms are being filled with cuddles from ds1 and dh. I will light a candle for little William tonight and think of you all, I hope that's ok xx

[Roseberrry]

Ps don't be sorry for talking about him. He is your baby and always will be.

[purplepandas]

Inpatient, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful William. It's a lovely name and he sounds very precious indeed.

I don't have any wise words but it gets easier. I remember thinking that it wouldn't but it does. Gradually. I am 6 years on now from the loss of DD1 (died shortly after DTs were born) and life is more manageable. She is a part of me and will always be, just as William is a part of you. I think about her every day but can do so with a smile and well as sadness.

The forever is hard and I don't have any magic words for that. That is often hard for others to understand.

I too found Sands useful and continue to travel this journey with some of my lovely Sands friends. William

[madwomanacrosstheroad]

My last baby was born at 21 weeks nearly 5 years ago. At the time I was very uncertain if or how i would survivor. It was shock, trauma and rawness.
Looking back now it got much better, to the extent that I am at peace with it.
There were milestones that I dreaded and that once they had passen made it easier. The due date was the obviously one, the first anniversary, first time visiting someone wird a new born baby....
I also have a locker with a photograph which I work constantly the first few years. Now I dont need to wear it all the time.
Another thing we do every year is get a christmas present for the baby, toddler, child and give it to a local toy appeal.
I tried to get pregnant again, however given that the last baby was a surprise baby in my mid forties this never happened. However it gave me time to gradually say good bye to the idea of another baby.
It may not feel like it now but it will get bearable over time.

[guinnessgirl]

Oh love, I am so so sorry for your loss. I haven't been through this myself but I am crying for you as I imagine the pain you must be feeling. Your beautiful, precious William will always be a part of your lives, but it won't always hurt as fiercely or constantly as it does right now. Just focus on getting yourselves and DS1 through each day for now.

[purplepandas]

This might not be for you but I found that the small things mattered in terms of having something for DD1. this website helped me and I have a name in the sand with DD1's name on. It sits in our lounge along with photos and things for her.

[OvariesBeforeBrovaries]

I am so sorry I have no experience nor advice, but another hand to hold. William is a beautiful name for a perfect little boy.

[Cannotthinkofawittyusername]

You get up each day and put one foot in front of another and try to remember to breath. You will carry on doing this until one day something your ds does will make you smile. You will feel guilty for smiling but days will start to reach a point where grief consumes 20 hours rather than 24. Then 15 hours, then 7 hours until life begins to feel less numb.

You will always remember your lovely boy but it will slowly become less numb.

Sands are brilliant.

Much much love

[Impatientwino]

Oh thank you so much for all your kind words and advice. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

I did post his little (big) feet, maybe it didn't work. I'll attach it again to this post?

[MrsJohnLuther]

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely little boy, William. I'm sending you strength to get through these next few weeks xxx