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Bereavement

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DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

981 replies

RubbishMantra · 04/08/2015 03:16

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

OP posts:
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RubbishMantra · 08/08/2015 17:40

Thank you for replying, my head's a bit fucked to reply to individual posts, but I've read them all.

Poor MCat woke up crying like a kitten this morning, and crept into my lap and sucked his tail, until he dropped back off to sleep. He's such an angsty, tortured little thing, same as DH. Little Monsieur is much more balanced and independent.

Feeling a bit more numb now. I have no fucking clue how to go about organising a funeral. I'm going to put a packet of B&H in with him (he loved smoking), and I must remember to snip off a lock of his hair. He had the best hair ever. I've picked out what I'd think he'd want to wear, but I can't find the trousers. Will have another look tomorrow. They've given his wedding ring back to me. We'd decided we'd be burnt, and our ashes mixed and scattered together in a place where we made our best memories. But I thought that wouldn't happen for decades. Thought I'd have him with me for longer. Only person I've been shit scared of losing. Too scared to sleep because of that split second when you wake up and forget the waking nightmare, then suddenly it smacks you around the head with the nightmare afresh.

Mental health services are a fucking piss-taking joke around here, I wonder if it's the same in the rest of England.

OP posts:
chockbic · 08/08/2015 17:50

Is there a post mortem and inquest?

Do you have family/friends to help with practical stuff?

catzpyjamas · 08/08/2015 18:00

The funeral director should guide you through everything so don't stress about that.
As far as the cats go, speak to your vet about Zylkene or Feliway - both help comfort stressed cats.
Manage the things that you can as it will help you feel more in control. Everything else can be ignored or delegated.
Look after yourself Flowers

Fluffycloudland77 · 08/08/2015 18:21

If you're not sleeping please don't drive, you could drop off at the wheel.

I nearly caused an accident on Wednesday driving tired. I would imagine MH services are fucked up all over the UK.

cozietoesie · 08/08/2015 18:27

Yes - if you have one, rely on the funeral director. (Otherwise, friends or family.) People realize that bereaved persons are all over the place following any close death and they generally go out of their way to make things easier. They may get it wrong at times but they do try.

StaceyAndTracey · 08/08/2015 19:44

Don't worry about the inquest right now. It won't be for months yet , maybe even next year

Just get the funeral and stuff sorted out right now. Are you having a wake / celebration of his life / memorial service / whatever as well as the committal at the crematorium?

Remember you can do that bit however and wherever you like . There are no rules, you can have whatever music, words, etc - however you want to remember him . I've been to ones with views clips, slide shows, talk from good friends , live music performed by friends / family , readings of poems or prose .

Or you can just all go down the pub if that's your thing. Try to book a private room though and lay on a bit of food , specially if people have traveled .

I'm glad you've got his wedding ring back . Keep it safe right now and decide what to do with it later . Some people get it made to fit them , or remodelled into a different style of ring . Or wear it on a chain round their neck . Don't throw it away in an angry moment .

PumpkinsMummy · 09/08/2015 00:01

Another litter tray lady here, and fellow Devon owner. I'm so shocked and sad for you mantra your posts are always so full of love and humour, and my heart breaks for you. One breath at a time darling, we are here for you.xxx

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 00:11

...Too scared to sleep because of that split second when you wake up and forget the waking nightmare, then suddenly it smacks you around the head with the nightmare afresh...

That's a difficult one right enough. Try to lie down and rest your body even if you can't sleep. And take the cats with you so that they can have a snooze even if you don't.

Thinking of you.

code · 09/08/2015 00:38

Middle of the night is such a lonely and difficult place when things are bad. Can you have a little nap in the day? Distraction might help at night, can you watch tv or read when you wake? I'm sure little cats won't mind being woken for a cuddle. He sounded like a lovely person.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2015 00:40

If you need to chat in the middle of the night, I'm still here, Mantra.

Is your sister still with you or has she had to go home? I do hope that you have someone you can call in the middle of the night when it's all too raw and unbearable.

(((hugs)))

RubbishMantra · 09/08/2015 03:26

The inquest won't be until March I think they said, Chock. Not sure why it takes so long. My father actually had a go at me for swearing when I rang (I fucking love a good swear). He said "I don't like to hear a lady swear." They've already said it's too much trouble to come to the funeral. He's ill, but nothing stopping the female parental from attending. Hey ho. [wanker emoticon]

No driving for me Fluffy. Besides the lack of sleep, the old vodka has been a bit too friendly of late.

Emergency stash of zylkene for the boys if they need it Catz. The little Monsieur's happy because he's found a fly to stalk and chatter at. Is your's a teeth chatterer Pumpkin? He's got annoyed because he's lost the fly, so is walking about the bedroom, throwing anything he can find onto the floor. DH and I said he's a teenage dickhead, but OUR teenage dickhead. MCat's sleeping with my sister. The first time she came to stay, he woke her up, stroking her face with his paw. Even though he may have meant it in a sinister way.

Your fucking sweary posts have helped me a lot Stacey. Wedding ring safe. I think I'll get both our rings melted down and made into 1 band.

Cozie, meeting with funeral people early next week. He was a bit haphazard with his clothes, so finding what I think he'd want to wear a bit of a treasure hunt. MCat used to like humping his discarded trousers.

Sleeping's been a bit difficult code, but my body has just switched off, so there have been naps. Little Monsieur's just dragged his shag bag into my room. He's seducing it with the loudest purring ever. I thought it might be my sister snoring at first.

Thankyou for the virtual hugs Thumb, I've never felt lonely in the middle of the night before.

OP posts:
chockbic · 09/08/2015 03:33

Mantra, I fucking love you.

Don't worry, I'm not a lady Wink

RubbishMantra · 09/08/2015 03:53

Sending some fucking love back at you Chock

Tomorrow, will you listen to and dance about like a loon? Twas our song.

OP posts:
StaceyAndTracey · 09/08/2015 06:13

Grin at your song . Sorry I can't dance as its 6 am .

StaceyAndTracey · 09/08/2015 06:18

Your leeches thing has grossed me out BTW. I am worried that our goldfish ( in pond outside not in tank) might have leeches and I wouldn't know . I'm not a forceps kinda gal

sandgrown · 09/08/2015 07:05

Just thinking of youFlowers

HemanOrSheRa · 09/08/2015 07:39

RubbishMantra I am so sorry. I don't really know what else to say. This is just fucking awful. I've always enjoyed 'chatting' with you over in the Litter Tray. I'm sending you a virtual hug and one each for your lovely boys too. You will all be in my thoughts Flowers.

PumpkinsMummy · 09/08/2015 09:13

Yep, she is indeed a chatterer, and a chirruper, and a yowler etc. She is a very reserved lady, except when she's cross then she gets all up in ya face and yells like a banshee! Am [shocked] Sad at your mum and dad. DS(4) and I had a little boogie to your song. Tis an awesome song.

catzpyjamas · 09/08/2015 09:24

Mantra, your parents' reaction has left me Shock and your song is awesome Grin

Lottapianos · 09/08/2015 09:36

Absolute bollocks with knobs on to anyone who tells you off for swearing, like you're a child instead of a grown woman going through hell. I have horribly unsupportive parents too so I feel for you and I'm so sorry x

ninetynineonehundred · 09/08/2015 09:37

Grin at your song. It's awesome .
Your dad's response was awful. I'm so sorry you didn't get better support
Little monsieur sounds great (and slightly disturbed)

Hope you managed to get some sleep

ThatsNotEvenAWord · 09/08/2015 09:46

Flowers for you, your DH and cats.

I can't even imagine. You all sound amazing xxx

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/08/2015 10:18

I love the wedding ring idea, it stops you losing his ring. Your parents are as bad as mine, if not worse.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2015 10:36

Oh Mantra - how very fucking unsupportive of your parents! how utterly dismal of them. My Dad doesn't like to hear me swear either but he'd NEVER have said it under these sort of circumstances. :(

I like your idea of melting the two wedding rings together, that's a fab plan.

chockbic · 09/08/2015 12:58

Not sure about the dancing, but I can definitely do the lion thing Grin

Lion! Loon...

Jack is dancing too. Or he might be after a fly. He's obsessed!

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