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Bereavement

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DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

981 replies

RubbishMantra · 04/08/2015 03:16

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

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RubbishMantra · 09/08/2015 13:37

Thankyou for making rippy Basement Jack dance Chock. Monsieur is being a dickhead, and repeatedly rolling in pooey soil. Repeated use of the Zoom Groom. The little fucker growled at me!

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chockbic · 09/08/2015 14:25

That's funny, Claws has been rolling in a patch of earth this morning. Also putting his long, slender legs down a rabbit hole.

He starts off OK being groomed but it soon descends into ears back, bear trap of doom.

whatsinthename · 09/08/2015 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubbishMantra · 09/08/2015 17:01

Is it normal to cry this much?

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Fluffycloudland77 · 09/08/2015 17:04

Yes, It would be odd if you didn't cry. The heartbreak in your posts is palpable.

How long can your sister stay with you?.

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 17:05

I don't think there's a 'normal' for such things, Mantra - but people certainly cry a lot when they feel badly low and hurt.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/08/2015 17:07

Yes, it is :(
You cry and cry until your eyes are red and raw and you can't imagine where the tears are still coming from but still they come.
The shock has definitely worn off now then.

This may help you - it's the Kubler-Ross 5 stages of grief model, it's not universally accepted but it can be helpful to some. The main thing to remember though is that the stages are fluid - you don't do a set time in one stage and then move to the next one, leaving the previous one behind - you can flit between all of them.

You probably know all this anyway from your training - but I've found that when I'm in a situation I find it very hard to apply my training to myself unless someone reminds me of it.

(((hugs))) ThanksBrewWine

whatsinthename · 09/08/2015 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cozietoesie · 09/08/2015 17:09

That's probably a much better way of putting it, whats.

ninetynineonehundred · 09/08/2015 17:11

Oh sweetheart. It's normal .And there are days when you can't cry and that's normal too. All of it is normal and none of it is normal because you shouldn't be going through this pain.
There are people here if you need support

chockbic · 09/08/2015 21:12

Hugs from me and a cheek rub from Jack*

*not available to everyone

StaceyAndTracey · 09/08/2015 23:03

Crying is normal . So it feeling totally numb or like a zombie . Or just exhausted all the time. Grief is very very hard work

So is finding something odd really funny, then laughing hysterically , then starting to sob .

Or getting absorbed in a task for a while and suddenly realising you've not thought about it for 5 mins and then feeling guilty

And checking your phone for texts from him or expecting him to phone . Thing you hear his voice. Talking to him .

All normal

And feeling unreasonably angry all the time . Thinkinh you are going mad.

All these , and everything else, is normal .

Please be good to yourself and don't judge yourself for any feelings you are having . They are all ok

Pomegranatemolasses · 09/08/2015 23:10

Darling Mantra, I have been thinking about you since I read this last night. So desperately sorry that this has happened, and what a tragic way that you have lost your beloved DH.

Much love - hope your kitties bring some consolation. x

RubbishMantra · 10/08/2015 03:26

A strange thing happened tonight, I was going through DH's files looking for the right poem for the reading at his funeral, he'd written hundreds and my eyes were starting to feel a bit raw. I noticed the last change to the document was on the 4th of August. At the same time MCat sat bolt upright and just stared. Then I looked up at the ceiling and there was one of those bright green grass hoppers, you know, the ones with the really long legs. I have mesh on my upstairs windows to stop my cats falling out, so fuck knows how it could have got in.

Parents are still being horrible (I actually have an old thread called "horrible parents") My father rang me today to have another go at me. He said they wouldn't be coming to the funeral because I hadn't visited them enough. My mother insinuated DH's death was my fault, and if we'd visited more, he may not have killed himself. She actually told him about a gyno exam the first time she met him! How cringe making is that? Your 70 year old mother talking about her vadge to my little hubby, oh, and the bloke over the road who kept trying to kiss her. I'd find it funny if they weren't my parents.

He didn't even leave a note, so that's another reason I've been going through all his poems he wrote, looking for some kind of clue. He was such a gentle little soul and I don't know why he wouldn;t let me help him. I used to love kissing the back of his neck, I had to stand on tiptoes to do it. He was tall and skinny with beautiful curly hair. One day I jokingly said I don't think I could ever be attracted to a baldy man, and he got paranoid about losing his hair. I'm going to snip a lock off to keep when I go to see him. The funeral people said he needed to be made presentable. I know why, when somebody hangs themselves it ain't pretty. I just hope they don't cake him in make up. I bought him an amazing duffle coat one xmas, and he looked like a bloke in a black and white french film. He wasn't conventially handsome, but I loved to look at his face. He fell asleep on a flight once, and that's how I kept myself occupied, staring at the beautiful contours of his profile. I;ve never been more fascinated with anyone's face.

He used to give the best presents ever. Book of Sylvia Plath poems, random books he thought I might like. Panda teddy, because he knew I'd had one as a child. He was fucking awesome, the only person when I thought about losing them it made my blood run cold. If you have a Dear Other, give them an extra kiss, squeeze on the arse, stroke on the hand.

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2015 04:09

Oh lovey, he sounds absolutely wonderful, truly he does.

I took a lock of hair from my Nanna when she died, the first person in my life whose death truly devastated me - I have it safe somewhere, although I'm not entirely sure where, since we emigrated. But it's here.

Have you dreamt about him? I had some very vivid dreams about both my Nanna and my Mum. The sort that make you wonder whether they're actually "visitations".

I saw Nanna in the funeral parlour - she didn't look plastered in makeup at all, she just looked like a waxwork of herself. They do a very good job, IMO (she died of a massive heart attack and had ambos working on her for some time) - but you definitely know that the person you knew isn't "in there" any more.

I like your green grasshopper visit - what was the thing you were looking at when you and Mcat noticed it? Could be a sign for you, if you choose to believe that.

Hang up on your parents next time they ring. They don't want to help you, so fuck 'em off. There is no point hoping that they will become decent humans at this point in time, if they've got this far being fuckers. :(

Thanks and Dragon for you - just feel like you need a bit of magic in your life to help you through. xx
(And maybe a squidge of a Bear as well)

RubbishMantra · 10/08/2015 04:28

Thank you Thumb. When it happened I was looking at DH's poems on his laptop. Grasshopper still there, but I told it I was worried it might fall on me in the night and get squashed by me or eaten by MCat. He's now moved from directly above my bed and is hanging out by the light. No dreams as yet about beautiful boy hubby.

The weeping is really weird, sometimes I wake up weeping, sometimes I'm not even aware that my eyes are leaking.

Love to your Nanna x

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RubbishMantra · 10/08/2015 07:15

I always thought that was a myth, people crossing the road to avoid you because they feel awkward about death, especially suicide. But it's true. Don't ever assume you can count on anyone who you counted on before. Only a small percentage won't treat you like a leper.

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Fluffycloudland77 · 10/08/2015 07:19

I would start screening calls off your parents, they will only hurt you even more.

Did any other files get altered on the 4th? was the pc even on?.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2015 07:20

It really sorts the wheat from the chaff in terms of true friends - and sometimes it's the most casual of acquaintances who become the staunchest supporters.

People mostly just don't know what to say, I think - they don't want to put their foot in it, but also they don't want you to cry at them because it makes them feel uncomfortable - and that's a bit shit really. God forbid that they should feel "a bit uncomfortable" given what emotional shredding you're going through! But so many people are inherently selfish. :(

Have you phoned sobs or Cruse or anyone yet? Or are you not "there" yet?

StaceyAndTracey · 10/08/2015 07:25

What thumb witch says is so true

Though I suspect your parents always act like complete arses , it's not because of BB husbands death . People like that have to make everything about them .

I'm sorry, you don't need this right now . Or ever actually

RubbishMantra · 10/08/2015 07:40

His lappy might have been on, but I have my own Fluffy. Everything's been so hazy since he died. Only I have access to it, and I wouldn't have modified any of his files. And those 3 weird things all happened at once.

Won't be taking any more calls off the parentals, I don't know why I keep hoping I'll get what I need off them.

Haven't phoned the services you mention Thumb, I was a bit put off when I rang the Samaritans. They were just like "Oh, there there". Trying to find a counsellor. My sister's been awesome in terms of support, but I can't take too much from her, because she needs to keep something for herself. So coming on here and getting some strength from all of you, well, it's helped massively. Thank you. x

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RubbishMantra · 10/08/2015 07:47

Stacey, what does BB stand for?

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2015 07:48

You're welcome, just wish you didn't have the situation you have to need it.

I know some people who have benefited from Cruse, and it looks like sobs would be even more suited to your situation, whereas the Samaritans are more about trying to prevent your situation arising, I suppose. Talking people down from suicide is more their thing, rather than dealing with the aftermath, sadly.

Cruse may have a list of appropriate counsellors for your area, I don't know - try the website if you don't want to ring them yet www.cruse.org.uk/face-to-face-support

Your parents suck massive balls. I think you're right to write them off, if they can't support you now, they never will be able to. I just can't imagine how hurtful that is for you, but am so glad your sister is able to help as much as she can. Thanks

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/08/2015 07:48

Spooky.

I work with older people, a lot of women over the years have told me they have seen their Dh's after they've passed and haven't been able to explain it ie they've just woken up and their dh has been sitting on the sofa.

It's not something the men have spoken about but I think men are more worried about talking about that kind of thing.

You and I aren't going to have the kind of relationship with our parents we deserve, I've seen your other thread on them before.

Mine don't even know where I live or my phone numbers.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/08/2015 07:49

I think Stacey meant BB to stand for "beautiful boy" as you described him as that in your post. :)