DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

And also this is not your fault .
Again it's very normal to run through everything you did /didn't do but it is not your fault . It's just terribly heartbreaking that he felt like that then and you feel like this now.

Mantra, I am so very sorry that this awful thing has happened. Sending you hugs.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Corygal's earlier post is a perfect way of phrasing what happened. I can only imagine the pain. I hope you can find some comfort soon, and lean on everyone around you - here and in RL - if it helps.

It's ok to be angry at him, it's totally normal

You can come on here and rage about what he did , we won't mind .

But you need to know that all that " I should have known " is bollocks. You couldn't have known . My friends teenage son was treated by the top adolescent psychiatrist in the area . He left after his appointment with her and jumped under a train . She couldn't tell how desperate he was , after 30 years of practising psychiatry .

You couldnt have known how bad your Dh was , or what he was planning .

Please phone the SOBS helpline . They will tell you that everyone in your situation feels like that - that they should have known and could have done something .

That's the facts . You are still allowed to be absolutely fucking raging at him .

I'm so sorry Mantra, I've only just found out what's happened to you.

It's so unfair, you don't deserve this. I would be raging at the services who let him down too.

My dear friend committed suicide 16 years ago. I'm still angry at him sometimes. It's normal to feel rage and lash out at the nearest person. It's all so raw just now too. I'm sure your sister is not taking it personally. Thinking of you

Oh honey. Don't blame yourself. You couldn't have known or done anything. Depression is an illness. He wasn't rational as pp said and would've thought he was doing you a favour.
I speak as someone who struggles myself. My ex did too.
Snuggle your boys. Madame sends cuddles too.

Thankyou. And bless you all. Poor MCat is upset, DH and he lived together before we all became a family. Little Monsieur's just presented me with a take-away menu. Everywhere I look, there's a reminder of my lovely little hubby. I used to love walking in to see him sitting down, one leg crossed over the other drinking a cup of green tea, fag in hand, discarded apple core left on the coffee table. I'm shit scared of going to sleep because it will all come crashing in when I wake up. I just wish I could ask him why. I need to understand.

I have not got any experience of this, but did not want to read and not comment. You may never understand, but I hope you can come to terms with it somehow.

I have a DH that suffers from depression and he refuses to get treatment. Most of the time, he is ok, but when he is having a bad time, I hurt for him so much, but I cannot understand or fix it. I know he blames me for some of it, but I cannot fix things, I can only be there for him when he wants to talk about it in some way.

Cuddle your boys and keep talking to us. I am usually here later as I live in the USA, so I am happy to babble away if it helps.

Morning mantra. I hope you were able to sleep a little.

It's all the myriad of little things isn't it. It's such a lot for you to take in.

I've just seen this is you. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The why questions are so truly hard. I lost my son in different circumstances, I know that cancer got him, but I still ask why all the time? I wish you love and strength xxx

Mantra - you know why - you are one that told me the name of his ilness. That's what killed him - just like a diabetic coma or cancer. It's an evil illness that sucks the joy out of living and makes people think they would be better off dead. It stops them thinking logically about the consequences of their actions , how they will devastate their loved ones

It makes them think of this permanent solution to a temporary problem . They get caught up with the mechanics of what they will do and how they will do it , totally unable to step back and go " is this really a good plan " .

I don't know why we can explore other galaxies but we can't figure out what goes wrong with chemicals in the brain that cause this evil thing

But like you, I have no idea how people can seem to function normally at one level ( go to work, go shopping, do the laundry , meet with friends ) and have this thing going on in their head where they plan to kill themselves . And think it's a good idea .

Morning Mantra.

The boys will manage. They'll likely think that things are a bit ....weird.... but they'll manage OK.

Did you end up getting any sleep at all? (If you can't sleep, at least lie down and rest for a while.)

These people might be able to help: uk-sobs.org.uk/contact/

You can email them, if you aren't up to talking.

Don't forget it's early days. One foot in front of the other X

It's such a difficult thing, isn't it chockbic? You want to talk but you don't know what you want to say - you want to make contact but you also could see people far enough etc etc etc.

Hold the boys close, Mantra - you'll all help each other through.

I have a friend whose brother was tormented by his mental illness. He suffered from paranoid schizophrenia, and took whatever drugs they gave him, but they still didn't work sufficiently well.
Sometimes he would talk about the pain he was in, the torment and the suffering - but it hurt his family when he talked about it to them, so he stopped.
He did end up committing suicide in a way that I won't tell you but it was a definite "no coming back" way. My friend was so sad, but understood that he felt it was the only way to stop the suffering - not just for him but for everyone else as he perceived it - of course his family would far rather have put up with their own feelings of hurt and pain rather than lose him, but he couldn't bear to put them through that any more.

I don't know if there would have been an element of that in your DH's thoughts, quite possibly there was - he wanted to save you ongoing pain from his illness, but his ability to understand that him dying would cause you far more pain just wasn't there. :(

Yeh the why and what could I have possibly done differently to stop this happening questions are a complete bastard with loss through suicide

I'm so sorry Mantra.
Hugs to you and your kitties xxx

I hope the coroner mentions the change in drugs as causing this.

You don't deserve this.

Getting bits of sleep here and there. I'm angry they took him off one of his meds, why, when it was working. So why change it? He started getting the intrusive thoughts after that, then the guilt, shame and paranoia. Cats still a bit all over the place, but they're getting fed, watered.

Being able to put my jumbled thoughts on here is helping a bit. I recognise many of your usernames as being Ladies of the Litter. x

Hugs to you Mantra. I hope you are sleeping now

I hope that they'll highlight the issue at the - Coroner's Inquest? (Forgive me if I don't know English procedures very well.)

Glad you managed even a little sleep, Mantra - and the boys will cope. Cats are very pragmatic animals so if you can keep up with the feeding and watering as you're doing, you should see each other through.

Thinking of you.

Thinking of you today.

Another Lady of the Litter here.
Thinking of you, Mcat and little Monsieur. Hold them close darling.

The cats will be fine. I hope you are ok, it must be so bloody hard.