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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

981 replies

RubbishMantra · 04/08/2015 03:16

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

OP posts:
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cozietoesie · 13/09/2015 23:11

Hope you had a reasonable Sunday, Mantra.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/09/2015 01:23

tsm would have only felt his nads as a sort of chore I expect. Treated it like housework

While wearing Marigolds, no doubt.

It's us that needs the brain bleach and a toilet brush with a long handle.

goddessofsmallthings · 14/09/2015 01:25

It just seems ridiculous that somebody who was so wanted and loved isn't here anymore. Whereas 2 people, comfortable in their misery and dislike for one another, are still living and breathing.

Ain't that always the way?

You are the chatelaine of your own stately home here, Mantra. Fume and rant away and let us join you in condemning those who deprive others of oxygen to the fiery pit of universal loathing.

Your DLH's star shines bright tonight. Let its light show you the way to acceptance of those things which are beyond human understanding and keep him as close to your heart in death as he was in life.

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 14/09/2015 04:16

Thank you. I'm going to post some beautiful music. DLH loved music.

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goddessofsmallthings · 14/09/2015 04:32

Beautiful - almost ethereal.

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 14/09/2015 05:52

I'd written a thoughtful post after I read yours' Goddess. Then the cats stomped all over my keyboard when they heard the rattle of the cat crack Dreamies.

What you say about DLH's star shining bright tonight - I woke up about 2am-ish, and the body seems to want to stay awake. Also Little Monsieur is partaking in some dickish behaviour. But he's a teenage dickhead after all, so to be expected. Ah, both of them have decided to snuggle down in MY side of the bed. They probably find it amusing that I've to contort my body in interesting and mysterious ways, in order to sleep around them. I wouldn't be without my beautiful dickheads felines.

Thank you for the word chatelaine x

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/09/2015 12:42

Ah that music was lovely. Reminded me, in a strange way, of one of my main favourite listens in the 90s, Alisha's Attic, specifically this one:

which I used to love. Not maybe as beautiful as your link but still hits me in the important spot.

I stayed the night over at a friend's house once; she had 2 cats and they decided to spend the night in with me - one on my back, and the other in the crook of my knees. SOOOO Uncomfortable! but I couldn't bear to move them! And they weren't even mine!

Corygal · 14/09/2015 19:28

There was me, thinking about you M and not being able to get online, only to discover we were doing Cats & Mayo. Mr C is a beast for it - he screams with love & rage if he sees me with a packet sandwich. Thrilled about Seniorboy Cozie, try cream cheese as well.

My internet was cut off as the DD went weird. After days or muttering and fossicking re antiviruses etc I had to do the walk of shame to the EE shop and tell them I couldn't work out how to pay the bill. Grin

How goes it today M. I hope napping is in order today after the 2am start.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/09/2015 20:29

Cory I'd email the ceo of the company and complain about that. Our house insurance was nearly cancelled because they tried to claim the dd using different details and then blamed the bank. I emailed both CEO and got £75. I only paid £50 for the cover so I was chuffed.

Mantra, years ago my mum knew a woman who was being hit by her dh of over 50 years, father of her 4 kids, because he wanted her to move out so his boyfriend could move in.

Your poor sister being shipped off though.

Dumdedumdedum · 14/09/2015 21:59

Don't know why, Mantra, but I'm imagining you as if you were my daughter. She has a similar dry humour to yours and, I think, a similar resilience. If I were your mother, I would be there with you asking you to vent and to squeeze hard my hand or wherever so that I could try to take some of your pain away. Useless, I know. (I would even feed your cats, and cats and I have a long-lasting mutual disaffection.)

Fume away. You have every right to. But I don't think he can have understood how much pain he would cause you, or he wouldn't have succumbed to the agony of his illness, because he loved you so much. It is not your fault, nor was it his.

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 15/09/2015 01:26

I just can;t stop sobbing. It's not getting any better.

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M0rven · 15/09/2015 01:30

I'm sorry, it's so hard in the middle of the night . You must miss him so much

RedNailPolish101 · 15/09/2015 01:33

I read this with such sadness and you must be going out of your mind trying to understand it all x please make sure you lean on people here but also family x and cuddle those cats,

RedNailPolish101 · 15/09/2015 01:38

I just saw your latest response, and it's going to be hard darling it really is x I don't know you but I really think you can get through this x I see your humour about the cat crack (I have one that goes friggin nuts over those things) and I just know you can x for now you take each minute as it comes and somehow you just make it through x and talk and talk as much as you want x

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2015 04:27

Mantra - it doesn't feel as if it's getting any better because in some ways, it never will. Your ability to cope with the pain and sadness will improve, but the actual sadness will always be there - and do you know what, you actually wouldn't want it to be any different really, because if you lost that sadness, that pain inside of you, it would be like you had forgotten LDH and you couldn't and wouldn't do that.

And some days, the pressure of all that pain and sadness will need an outlet - today has been one of those days. Tomorrow is a different day and chances are that, because you have had a "releasing" day today, tomorrow will be better.

(((((hugs))))) as always, lovely. xx

shovetheholly · 15/09/2015 09:26

Thumbwitches that is exactly what I wanted to say, but couldn't find the words. Lovely, eloquent post.

Holding your virtual hand, Mantra.

Corygal · 15/09/2015 15:55

Holding your paw darling M. Wish I was there holding your poor wounded self.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/09/2015 16:02

Thank you, shovetheholly - what a nice thing to say Thanks

cozietoesie · 15/09/2015 16:16

I've had moments when such pain and longing for someone who is gone come over me, mantra. They come without warning and you have to ride them through, agony though they sometimes are.

Thumb said it for me as well.

Thinking of you.

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 15/09/2015 18:15

I think you may have said that you volunteer for a homeless charity Cory? Well, when DLH first got ill, as a very, very young man, his parents turfed him out, "You've brought it on yourself!" He had no choice but to stay at a homeless hostel. And he told me that song about it being fun at the YMCA is not true at all. The worst kind of things happened to him there. After DLH got ill, his father said, "If you were a dog, I'd take you out into the fields and shoot you."

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Dumdedumdedum · 15/09/2015 18:42

Never mind a RubbishMantra, each of you suffer from having RubbishParents. As a parent of a 20 year old, I can't believe what I'm reading here. There is no love. What the hell is that about? Unnatural parents, is all I can think. I'm so glad you were able to find each other and love each other so much, albeit briefly. I am sorry for your pain and wish I could help alleviate it. I suffered badly when I lost a baby, so I can empathise, a bit. But it's no help to you, unfortunately.
Massive hugs to you, sweetheart. Remember Blair's tune? (Um, sorry, my sense of humour, so maybe not?)

cozietoesie · 15/09/2015 19:17

...After DLH got ill, his father said, "If you were a dog, I'd take you out into the fields and shoot you."...

Dear Goodness.

At least he found you, Mantra.

Fluffycloudland77 · 15/09/2015 20:05

It's so heartbreaking isnt it? how can a parent be that cruel to an ill child?.

Corygal · 15/09/2015 20:52

Christ Alive M.

(Yes, It's the Sally Army.) One thing I've noticed is that loads of people with MH trouble are mistaken for being pissed or stoned. And they scare others as well without meaning to.

I shouldn't think those hostels are much of a laugh to be honest - we deal with people who want to avoid them. But you need to stay there to get a better place, so it works out in the end. DH got you, thank God.

A lot of people, even the educated, are horrible about mental illness. I mean, they really are horrible.

You'd have thought they'd have been too ashamed to say anything out loud, a bit like closet racists, but oh no.

Are DH's parents wanting to get in touch with you? What's the vibe there?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/09/2015 00:59

Oh my lord, your DLH's "parents" are worse than yours! :( AngryShock

What a thing to do to someone with an illness, I'm appalled at their ignorant bigotry. I hope they're dead? Or that you have no contact with them?

My jaw did honestly just drop reading that. I can't even think coherently I'm so disgusted.

Thank GOD he found you and had some love in his life! Poor poor man, to have such utter shits for "parents" - something you had in common, clearly. :(

(((hugs))) for you and your DLH, wherever he is at the moment. x