DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

That's a better way of looking at it, Yes.

It was this photograph Kr1stina. He's the one staring into the camera, with the Large Attitude. With ears like large Doritos.

You are just trying to melt the heart of a non cat person with your cute kitten photos

< hardens heart >

That's a real swooner of a snap. Look at the flappy ears of sweetness. LM is severely afflicted with adorability.

Aww, that's some attitude going on there! Bless him.

Agree with Cory - your DLH didn't leave you voluntarily, his disease took him away from you and the furryboys. :(

As for your parents - your mother had an affair with your sister's boyfriend's father, and when she returned to your father, your sister had to leave??! Just how fucked up is that?! How was it in any way your sister's fault?
(Excuse excessive punctuation, I'm really astounded and incredulous as to how those thought processes even went!)

Because the bloke mother was having an affair with fucked her off, as he could have lost his job over it. So she went back to father, but DSis was a reminder. So she had to go. Horrible innit? DSis was only 16 or 17. Paired with the fact that mother never really liked any of us when we were no longer little children. She even said to me, after DLH died, "I bet you wish you'd had a little child with him." Notice she says "little child", not child. We made it clear to her we didn't want children, but she'd say she hoped an "accident" might happen. Ie., an unwanted pregnancy, and the heartbreak that would cause.

I missed DSis a lot after she left home. When I was small, she'd let me sneak into her bedroom to watch the late night horror film. (We both share a love of disturbing and grisly films.) When she was sent away to boarding school, and unpacking her belongings she found a chewed up toy owl I'd put in there to keep her company. I was about 2 at the time, so don't remember actually stashing it in Dsis' case.

Oh lovey, that's so adorable (the chewed up toy owl story) - you must have missed her very much when she went away.

Your "mother" gets worse with every mention. I do hope you manage to never have to interact with her again except on your own terms.

((((hugs)))) for you, for now and for when you were small as well.

Thank you Thumb. She's a proper cock isn't she? I got a long email describing the new toilet seat they're having installed. One line briefly mentioning Little Hubby. Then onto the toilet seat saga. Maybe they're getting it installed in memory of him?

Thank you for the ((((hugs)))) Sending some back atcha.

With some people you might wonder whether they were attempting - however ham-fistedly - to cheer you up with a funny story. Sadly, given what you've said about them, I can only think that they're so self-absorbed that they just don't care about anything except their own activities. (Excuse that I refer to them as 'they' but they really seem to operate as a unit from what you say. Weird dynamics there.)

They may well have all sorts of underlying reasons for their behaviour but I think it's important for you to remember that you're not responsible for them. Maybe you're not in a position to go NC at this stage but I'd certainly be limiting contact most severely as a minimum.

Hope you and the lads had a good afternoon.

They didn't mean it as a funny story, Cozie. It was a woe is us story, look at poor us and what we have to go through, having to get a new toilet seat fitted. I'm fairly self sufficient, and taught myself how to install my own fucking toilet seat years ago. Fucking cocks, the pair of them.

Do you have to continue relations with them for any reason?

They've put me in charge of selling a property abroad that they made a massive mistake in buying.I will honour that, but after that, no more from them.

They're are vicious people I think. Comparing toilet seats to husbands. Then again, they probably prefer toilet seats to each other.

It's not that hard to go nc, it took my parents six months to notice I'd gone nc.

When they did notice they were naturally DEVASTATED. I am prepared to take their cat in, should the situation arrive that they cant look after it.

Going back to your earlier point, I cant imagine your dh wanting to leave you. The illness made him do it. He wasn't himself when he did that.

Mteen does look more alert than his litter mates in that photo.

I think MTeen reminds me a bit of the young Jonny Rotten in that photo Fluffy. And thank you for reassuring me about little DH. He loved both our boys so much. Can't stop thinking about how I could have prevented what happened though.

And the parentals... toilet seats. I'm sorry you also have toilet seat parents. Like you, I'd been NC before all this happened. Just imagine them as talking toilet seats, flapping their lids and yapping to each other how DEVASTATED they are.

That's a most apt analogy, Mantra. Instead of talking heads you've got a pair of talking arses for dps, or 2 penises crammed into one shoe if you prefer.

At least they're easy to buy for - a knitted crinoline lady toilet roll cover can't fail to please

Just saw this on eBay - a secret santa gift for Halloween www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Hand-Knitted-Black-Witch-Doll-Toilet-Roll-Cover-/311436448624?hash=item48830f1370

...Can't stop thinking about how I could have prevented what happened though...

Nothing you could have done at all. He was taken from himself - there was no volition about it, Mantra.

'toilet seat parents'. I think that that could become our new watchword/watchphrase.

I could send a wreath fashioned into an actual working hinged toilet seat to their funeral... With a sassy knitted crinoline lady perched on top.

I just keep looking back, and I should have watched him like a hawk. Do you really think I couldn't have done anything? Loved him in a better way? There are so many shit people in the world, and believe me, he wasn't one of them. I just love him so much, and I don't like the life looming ahead without him. Selfish of me I know.

I like it! And how about a cistern fashioned out of chrysanthemums with a chain to flush them into the grave?

Dear darling Mantra, you couldn't have done anything that would have stopped him and you couldn't have loved him in any better way than the all-consuming love you had, and will always have, for him.

The road ahead looks bleak and lonely, but he will be with you every step of the way - and he so loves to hear you laugh. Your sense of humour is something he absolutely adores about you and that is quite aside from the fact that he worships the very bones of you.

He didn't want to leave you. He only wanted to stop his thoughts. Death seemed like a respite; a place where he would have the perfect peace of silence and he didn't fully realise that he wouldn't be able to come back.

Whoever saw fit to change his drug regime should be held to account for their decision. When is the Inquest due to be held?

Bad things happen to good people and bad people can literally get away with murder. It makes no sense to us in the here and now, but one day it will.

Carry on loving him, carry on talking to him, carry on berating him. He's right beside you and he will answer you if you let him. The lighter your heart, the easier he will find it to penetrate your grief and give you the comfort of knowing that there really was nothing you could have done differently and that your love for each other is eternal - unchanged and unchanging forever.

Hope you and the lads are having a reasonable afternoon.

Thank you for your wise and comforting words,Goddess, you deity you! You said a lot of things in your posts, especially the 2nd to last one, that really made me realise that he really is still here in some way. I felt it already, but it's good to have other signs that he's still here, swirling about in the sky and air, free from the despair he must've felt. I like to feel that I can carry him with me, or maybe he's carrying me.

His inquest won't be until early next year. People are saying that it will open up the wound again, I'm not so sure. I need to know all the facts, I even asked the police officer to tell me exactly what dear LH used to hang himself with. Not in a morbid way, but because I need to know everything.

You've all helped me a lot, I didn't realise that people could give so much of themselves online. Thank you for helping me cope.

Thanks Cozie. Just had a wee snooze and am waiting for some prawns to defrost, to have with some crusty bread and an avocado. Might go wild and mix some Tabasco in with the lashings of mayonnaise. DLH told he about how mayonnaise came about; the king of Majorca was under siege, and his chef needed a sauce to go with the king's dinner. (After all, we all think about dinner whilst under siege, eh?) All he had was eggs, oil and vinegar. That's why it's called mayonnaise - Majorca.

Mayonnaise does make everything better though. MCat's a proper tart for the stuff.

Mayo and microwave chips - that's my guilty secret for today!

If I was a deity I would grant your dearest wish, sweet Mantra, but as it is all I can do is offer words that I fervently hope will be of some small comfort to you.

Of course you want to know everything. You wouldn't be you without your particularly inquiring mind and, far from re-opening the grievous wound so recently inficted on you, the Inquest will be your last public act of service to your DLH and provide opportunity to get answers to those questions which continue to torment you.

For this last reason, I suggest you give consideration to appointing a solicitor to act for you and request that those mental health professionals who were responsible for your DLH's care in the last weeks of his life are called to give evidence in person in order that your concerns can be put to them.

Mantra - I love the idea of your "parents" being talking toilet seats - that's perfect! Flapping lids that just exude eau de shite whenever open.

Nice story about mayonnaise, I did not know that! Will add it to my pile of food trivia knowledge.

Now on to the serious stuff - please please stop thinking you could have stopped him. I refer you again to my post upthread from 31st August about the lad I knew who was on 24h suicide watch in a secure institution and still managed to get away and do it. IF your DLH had been in full possession of his faculties, it would never have happened - but the Voices had him in thrall and he would have found a way to get away from you. Even just going to the bathroom - you wouldn't have followed him every single time, he'd have found a way because the Voices were telling him to. The last bit of himself that was holding on made sure he did it away from your home - that was his kindness to you, his love for you, holding on through the pain and maelstrom of the Voices - he didn't want you to be the one who found him.

And yes, I agree with goddess that, inasmuch as he is able, he is still by your side, watching over you, trying to comfort you. xx