DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

Thinking of you this morning.

Mantra - I'm so sorry about your parents. They are completely self-centred and it is so hurtful to have them behave this way when you're really in your hour of need. It is unforgiveable.

Hope today hasn't been too bad.

I've known about their hurtful and dickish ways for many years now Holly. But this has taught me to never lower my defenses against them. Ever.

They liked me for a short time whilst I was married to DLH, but I expect they're pissed off that I no longer have a husband. They've consistently blanked me.

The trouble is that no matter what society - and our hearts - tell us what they should be, ultimately our parents are just an accident of birth. As such, your parents rate as a Serious RTA M.

...But this has taught me to never lower my defenses against them. Ever...

It's easier, cleaner, if you don't have contact at all. Do you have to keep on communicating with them?

And remind me - how do they get on with your Sis and what does she think of them? (If you know.)

She can't stand them Cozie. She did a "duty" visit earlier in the year, and they were pissed off she didn't hire a car to drive mother around all the supermarkets. Then they went mental at her when she said she didn't like their carpets.

Father rang me up after she'd left, and said DSis had made both him and my mother cry, with her cruelty. At that point I'm sorry to say, I lost my patience and told him to stop being ridiculous. I mean a grown man and woman, crying over carpets? It was around that time I started my "horrible parents" thread.

It actually sounds quite funny when I read it back.

It sounds as if they all have a fair few ishoos with each other? (They were more than daft to get so upset about her comment but - would you really comment very adversely yourself (in normal circumstances) on someone else's choice of new carpet? (Much depends on precisely what was said, I suppose, but it all sounds quite complex.))

Myself, I'd steer clear of them if possible. The last thing you need at the moment is to allow yourself to be dragged into other people's dramas and complications.

It sounds as though your parents are very much locked inside their own world, with their own priorities - and you and your sister are an inconvenient reminder of a world outside, and perhaps also of standards by which their behaviour would be judged as both selfish and bonkers! I think in these cases, there is a kind of scapegoating that goes on, in order to prevent anything from 'getting in' and disturbing their cosy madness, e.g. by critiquing their choice of floor coverings! It is kind of amusing from a distance, when you can see the farcical madness of it all - but being stuck with it in your life is no fun at all.

The fact that they are so completely unable to offer you help in such extreme circumstances where it is so obviously required (and would so obviously come first over ANY other consideration in any sane family unit) tells you everything you need to know. If they can't be there for you now, they will never be. They are not 'parents' in any meaningful, emotional sense of the term - nor will they ever be.

My family are quite similar: utterly self-absorbed, utterly unsupportive. I am learning to keep them very much at arm's length and not to let them in. Sometimes I do really well at the distance, other times it's hard and hurtful, particularly when I see friends with more supportive parents and especially when I feel vulnerable. It can play into those narratives I have in my head of 'Maybe I'm just completely unloveable - maybe it's me'. So I have a small inkling how simultaneously rage-inducing and also how upsetting this is for you right now. And it's unfair that you are burdened with their shittiness on top of everything else. But it is THEIR bad, and no reflection at all on you. You are an awesome, caring person with so much to give and they are selfish and awful. Hopefully the fact that your DSis feels the same is grounding and sanity-preserving!

Cozie, DSis noticed their extractor fan wasn't working, pointed it out to mother. After 2 hours of stewing and saying nothing, mother came into the sitting room and woke father up from his evening soaps snooze so she could kick off about DSis "not liking their extractor fan". At that point DSis got a bit fucked off and told them "I don't like your bloody carpets either."

DSis apologised profusely to the pair of them the following morning, before she flew back home. Then I got a whinging phone call off them about her dislike of their carpets, and they were going to cut her out of their lives/wills. At which point I told them to stop being such dicks so ridiculous.

Tragically hilarious, innit?

And you're right Holly, I do feel sorry for the parentals stuck in their farcical and cosy madness. The latest thing they've been circulating is that DSis and I are plotting against them. What exactly could we be plotting? To have them offed and inherit their bungalow?

Oh My. I'm sure you have sleepless nights at the moment worrying about inheriting 'your share of the bungalow'. Not! It happens though - people (including those who are so self-centred that they truly believe the world revolves around them) can go for Power when all other aspects of their relationships have failed. I'd cut my losses if it were me: it's a reflection of them and not you at all.

Your DSis sounds to have her own travails with them. I'd just be a little cautious about participating, currently, in any 'alliance of criticism' with her. You're vulnerable right now and relationships built in that way can ultimately be pretty thin and unfulfilling.

A difficult one for you given your loss and the fact that you're really starting almost a new relationship with your DSis - I don't know how to strike the right balance without actually knowing the people. (I suppose, as in so many things, ask yourself what DLH would have advised as your compass bearing?)

Bless you Cozie. I am keeping myself safe at the moment. I only participated the once, when they rang up kicking off about her disliking their carpets. I'm what you might call the peace keeper in the family.

Mother had an affair with DSis's boyfriend's father. When she returned to father, it was on the agreement DSis left. "She goes or I go!" DSis was 17, and father drove her to another country.

Sorry to hear that your parents are dicks. It's human nature (normal, non- narcissistic human nature) to hope that people will change and that, some how, when push comes to shove they'll step up and be proper parents, the ones you deserved but didn't get. It's hard to accept that that isn't going to happen but in the long run it's better. You won't be able to please them because they don't want to be pleased. Definitely send them the penis in a shoe pictures. If you can't make them happy you may as well make yourself happy (and us, vicariously, because it's really funny).

See, if requested, DLH would have put his penis-inna-shoe, just to make me snort with laughter. The parentals would never have discussed penises in shoes. How could you have a relationship with somebody where you couldn't discuss such matters of importance?

Oh Boy - I would indeed call that 'a few ishoos'. It sounds as if your DSis needs to cut off contact with them as well!

There's a famous poem by Philip Larkin (link) which might be worth your reading.

Thinking of you all.

"This Be The Verse". I just knew that would be it before I clicked your link Cozie.

Well OF COURSE your mother says that " he was like a son to her " . Otherwise how can she get all the sympathy and support from her friends and neighbours for her tragic bereavement . I bet she is sobbing and wringing her hands all over the place .

It wouldn't really work if she went around saying " I only met him once and I didn't think much of him , he was a bit stuck up " . That would make her sound like a heartless cow .

And yet , in the middle of her deep grief, she takes the time out of her Busy LIfe to send you a card and you don't even phone her to thank her ??? And you are not willing to even organise flowers for her, after all she has done for you ??? Really, how can you be so selfish and self centred ?

< see, I have met your mother >

Said through gritted teeth there it sounds like, Kr1stina?

And after all, he may have been like a son to her - but considering how she treats her other children, that's not saying a whole lot!

Miserable bitch. No offence M but Larkin also met your fraightful mother.

Have you read Mother's Milk & At Last by Edward St Aubyn? The definitive novels on the crap parents subject. There's Never Mind as well but that's mostly about him being pissed with his own kids. I say novels, but they're really a thinly disguised memoir.

The bits I like best are the emotional intelligence mottoes he comes out with that express in words of one syllable why the child behaves as he or she does despite evident inadequacy of the parents. He says his books are 'a raid on the inarticulate' and he's beyond right.

There's some deeply relaxing stuff about class snobbery in there too.

If you haven't read them, I'm posting them to you. I judge them OK to read in your shattered state, incidentally - they're so good you can just fall into them and when you come out you'll feel better.

I'm sorry so many of you have met versions of my mother, truly I am.

I had a skim through the books you recommended, C and they sort of put me in mind of Aldous Huxley for some reason. Have you ever read any of R.D. Laing's musings?

No, I haven't done Laing. Which one, I want to. I might go kkindle kkrazy tonight - brilliant at 3am on Insomnia Night.

If you PM me an address for an Amazon delivery, doesn't have to be yours, I will get the St Aubyn sent. Much closer to Joyce than Huxley. He is obsessed with self-expression ie how to do the tricky bits.

The trouble with your situation M is that you want your real mother, the one no one has met - not even you.

Little Monsieur just hopped up on my lap to say hi. I can understand darling little Beautiful Hubby leaving me, but how could he have left our little blokes? We'd only had LM for just over a year. We picked him out when he was a week old. The breeder said we could change our minds when we met him and his litter-mates. No, I said. We'd already fallen for our little lad. Didn't even occur to us.

When DLH moved in with me, he wondered if he should leave MCat at his place of origin. I saw the way that little bloke followed DLH to and fro. So I insisted he came with DLH, and we became a family, adding Little Monsieur, because we felt he needed a little bro.

Can I ask ( as a non cat person ) how you knew that LM was the right one for you ? ( sorry if that is a stupid question )

Mantra

It was his illness acting and not him. It made him leave everything - there was no logic to it.

DH was taken away M, he didn't leave - he didn't leave any of you.

I'm so terribly sorry.