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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

981 replies

RubbishMantra · 04/08/2015 03:16

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

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Original poster
RubbishMantra · 13/08/2015 17:52

Isn't it peculiar - I'm getting most comfort from speaking here. Always been a bit socially awkward (and proud of it!) My voice has gone all husky from speaking on the phone so much (don't like it)

Listened to songs we both liked and had a shouty singalong. One of them was Awesome song set to the 1980's aerobic olympics [[ I could go on... He hated Animal Collective and would moan about my "shit music". Bless him. RIP Beautiful Hubby.

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Original poster
RubbishMantra · 13/08/2015 17:57

Forgot to say, in the video, there are little soundbite boxes at the bottom. I wanted him to be Jeff Chowder, but he was intent on being Chastity Grishlauser. I was Blair Flowstrong.

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shovetheholly · 13/08/2015 18:30

I love that song! Flowers

I think your sister needs a bit of a boot up the backside! She should be looking after you, not vice versa. You are absolutely not in any way hideous to be a bit grumpy about it. Many people would have lost their rag completely in the circumstances (grief is strange, so extreme, so white hot in the way it burns you up from the inside that emotional control can become extremely difficult and it can hit you at the strangest times. For heaven's sake, don't beat yourself up about that).

cozietoesie · 13/08/2015 18:31

Never heard that before and was appreciating it - I'll go back later and give it my full attention.

It isn't so peculiar, I think. Partly it stems from getting to know the individuals you're speaking to (and I think, myself, that the internet is surprisingly revealing of people over time) but also partly the fact that you can choose when to interact and when not to. Sometimes you want to commune with yourself so being able to dip in and out of eg a forum (and knowing you can do it at will) is better for some than interacting when they're not up for it for some reason.

Using the internet doesn't mean that you don't care about other people - it's just a different vehicle for communication.

purplepandas · 13/08/2015 19:15

Just popping by to see how you are doing. I am sorry that you are having to clear up after your sister. Not at all what you should have to be doing. We are listening still when you need us.

Corygal · 13/08/2015 19:31

Have PMed you.

It's funny it isn't, you feel safer when you're anonymous even when online is such a public thing ie rather the reverse. Well I do.

Of course you're not hideous re the bits on the floor, it's annoying.

Mr C has spent all day lying on his back, fat belly regularly on offer, on my feet. As a result I am trapped but here for the foreseable if you want to keep talking.

Aramynta · 13/08/2015 19:56

The amount of support you can find from complete strangers is astounding, especially here on MN. Keep utilising it. I find that hearing from others with the same or similar experiences can put things into perspective. They can also give you a kick up the arse when you start doubting yourself about anything.

Keep going OP and Kitties Thanks

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 13/08/2015 20:03

I fucking love you all and I would snog you all if I wasn't a grieving widow.

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Original poster
RubbishMantra · 13/08/2015 20:10
(We had a shared love of La Musica)

Sorry for being a dick and posting on my own thread loads.

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cozietoesie · 13/08/2015 20:12

My elderly cat was actually listening to that when I played it! (He had his ears pricked and his head tilted which is indicative (almost) of wild emotion these days.)

cozietoesie · 13/08/2015 20:13

Ach - you're not being a dick at all, Mantra.

acatcalledjohn · 13/08/2015 20:15

Mantra, you sound like you are coping pretty well, all things considered. Glad to read that your cats, your sister (mostly) and this thread are a help to you.

Sending you Thanks and unmumsnetty hugs. The latter can be awkward, if that makes you feel better Smile.

Look after yourself.

Smilingforth · 13/08/2015 22:24

Certainly not a dick! Good luck

whatsinthename · 14/08/2015 06:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/08/2015 06:56

Mantra - if you can't hog your own thread, when can you?! It's entirely up to you how much you post, however much helps you. Just go for it Grin

Sorry your sister is adding to your load rather than taking some of it off you - is she just being a bit lazy and feckless? At least she's done some vacuuming - perhaps you should just thrust the vacuum at her as soon as anything she's touched/eaten hits the floor?

catzpyjamas · 14/08/2015 07:46

Hey Mantra, how are you this morning? Maybe your sister is just trying to keep you busy and not just lazy?
I hope you got the funeral arrangements sorted.
You and your DH sound like you had a lovely relationship - he must have been so ill to leave you. Flowers

Aramynta · 14/08/2015 08:38

You are not a dick

This is your place for support and anything else you want it to be for. You can post as many memories, songs, questions, rants as you like Thanks

How are you today?

Smilingforth · 14/08/2015 09:57

All my thoughtsFlowers

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 14/08/2015 12:36

Thankyou for listening to me rant. She's being awesome again since I kicked off levelled with her in a measured way.

Cozie, Senior obviously has excellent taste in music. Little Monsieur likes that song too, he's just been doing a bit of Parkour around the house to it.

Put the emotional stuff on hold for today (thank gravy for compartmentalising) because going to see Peepipes for the first time since he died. I asked them not to put loads of make-up on his lovely little face.

Blessings to you all x

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Aramynta · 14/08/2015 12:44

We are all here for you, away from everything and impartial.

Big hand holding and hugs for you today Mantra - just take it easy and take all the time you need.

x

Aramynta · 14/08/2015 12:44

We are all here for you, away from everything and impartial.

Big hand holding and hugs for you today Mantra - just take it easy and take all the time you need.

x

cozietoesie · 14/08/2015 12:49

Thinking of you, Mantra.

Corygal · 14/08/2015 12:50

All right sweetheart, we'll be here when you get back.

I'm off to minister to my pet tramp at the Sally Army, who is foully bad tempered but loves me only because I dish out fags & biscuits and illegally let him have first go on the donations. Back in a bit.

Aramynta · 14/08/2015 19:17
Thanks
Original poster
RubbishMantra · 14/08/2015 20:40

Went to see my beautiful little hubby earlier today. He felt so cold. His chest looked like a pigeon chest I think they call it, so I unbuttoned his shirt and it was bandages from the autopsy. Bandage round his neck to cover the ligature marks. I was compelled to look at those as well. I didn't realise he'd be so cold and damp. They didn't put make-up on him thank fuck. I can't talk to anyone face to face about this at the moment. Too raw. But I need to get it out, so than you for listening to me bleating.

He was the kindest, gentlest person ever, so endearing and so fucking clever and creative. I fell in love with his mind, but then joked that I only married him for his body. He was a beautiful man, tall and slender. He rocked skinny chinos. Beautiful dark curly hair, olive skin and this awesome roman nose. When I saw him today his lips weren't as full as they were. When he was little, he'd make weird concoctions filled with sweets and cream for his family. I've got this crazy photograph of him, he's about 6 and high as a kite on e-numbers. Even as an adult, if there were sweets and coca cola in the house, he'd gobble them and go a bit excitable.

When I'd get home from college, I'd imagine my beautiful little hubby waiting for me, one leg crossed over the other, cup of tea in hand, apple core on the table next to him. Before our wedding, my friend (who is a straight bloke) joked to me he was going to kill me and turn up wearing a wig and a veil and trick hubby into marrying him instead. Oh I could go on, but thank you if you've read this far.

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