DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

[RubbishMantra]

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

Thumb witch is indeed correct . As always < ingratiates self >

Please don't be put off SOBS. It's not a big organisation like Samaritans , that try to cover everything * The sobs helpline people are just bereaved relatives like yourself who now volunteer for the charity . I called them after DIL died and they were wonderful . The man I spoke to had lost a child in similar circumstances and he was the first person I talked to who I felt really understood .

They know lots of practical information too. Please give it a try . They don't mind if you cry a lot .

• I'm sure they do a wonderful job and help many people

Oh jesus, Mantra I'm so sorry. Sorry also that I didn't see this earlier, I haven't been around much.

From me and my dickhead cats to you and yours, much love and support. Day by day x

I think people avoid you after a death/suicide because they just don't know what to say to you. What they want to do is say something that brings comfort but what can any of us say to comfort you? a lot of what they say isn't helpful at all like "their in a better place now". Scant consolation.

You do find out who your friends are at these times.

My cats would be beside themselves if this happened to their dad. I would be completely and utterly inconsolable. All my thoughts, wishes, support and awe are with you. You write so beautifully about him.

Mantra, so sorry I haven't been on - you are very much in my thoughts and I have been hanging round trying to think of something useful to say.

Well, apart from fuck your parents. Some people aren't capable of adequate behaviour, but a) you knew that b) this is not the time to display their deficiencies quite so flamboyantly. Get a gatekeeper if you can or let them sit on voicemail. That's always a fine place for types like that.

The only other thing that I thought might be handy was about the funeral. I know this sounds like an incredibly stupid thing to say at this time but don't let his death define his life. You are reeling and his death is huge, could not be bigger.

But his death is nothing to do with who he was, his love for you, your love for him, or his achievements and what he liked doing. Or his love of cats. All the real stuff, all the love and power of him and his life, is what counts. And remains - 'What will survive of us is love'. Dying, and dying by technical suicide, does not invalidate any of this.

No, it doesn't. Even if you are scrabbling for answers and you are thinking well, his illness was part of him, not to mention dark thoughts.* Of course it was - all illnesses are.

To make a ludicrous example to make the point, my endocrine disease at the moment is very much part of me, but if I was mistreated by a doc so it killed me I would be fucking angry and upset for my friends and family if everyone was mired in the fog of that at the funeral. Whatever one has done in life, I'd like to think one added up to a bit more than a week of malfunctioning biochemistry, thanks very much.

DH was worth infinitely more - you know that more than anyone else. And realizing his value is one of the things that hurt most, but in the long run it's worth it to put the manner of his death in its place.

Doing that for the funeral is repulsively difficult for you, and seems premature, but when you think about the funeral later (and you will) it helps if you can have some decent memories to hang onto through the shock and bewilderment.

What really pisses me off about my friend's death (in much the same circs) is that sometimes your memory gets hijacked by the final days, not the previous years and years. Three years on, I won't let my memory fall for that any more. I have to say that his funeral was a rip-roaring send-off - the burial was so awful that we staggered off to the wake mutely, no one speaking to anyone else, whereupon every single mourner got desperately pissed out of sheer relief it was over and we all had a fantastic time. I lost my hat and shoes. It helped to have him celebrated like that, you know.

Am thinking of you darling. Eat yoghurt and smoothies if you can't swallow.

Oh yeah, hello dark thoughts - you back again? Well, M*you might have to put up with them for a bit, but at least you haven't got your parents in the other earhole. If you let them in they'll go sooner - thoughts, not parents. At least the bastards don't need feeding.

don't let his death define his life..... his death is nothing to do with who he was, his love for you, your love for him, or his achievements and what he liked doing. Or his love of cats. All the real stuff, all the love and power of him and his life, is what counts. And remains - 'What will survive of us is love'

Cory you are very wise

I think that's really wise and helpful too Cory
Funerals that remember the person's life, ideally with some pictures from happier times I think, are always the better ones
And choice of music can be very personal too

Don't be afraid to let yourself feel what you are feeling. Go with your emotion and just do what you need to to get you and your little kitties through this.

I have just seen this Mantra and wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this.

You are not alone, there are many people on here who understand.

FWIW, my cousin committed suicide and her funeral was a real celebration of her life. My dad read the poem The Dash It was really apt for the circumstances. Although I understand that you may want something more personal.

for you

I've been reading your thread and been away for a few days, but I have thought about you.

You write so beautifully about your husband. He was so truly blessed to have someone who loves him so purely as you clearly do.

I agree that his death does not define his life. It's only part of his story.

Take care.

I was the one who was blessed Folk, he didn't really open up to anyone before me, then started to do the same with other people. He was my own little mystery.

Funeral arrangers have been a nightmare, you'd think they'd listen to you and make notes, or if they can't be arsed, at the very least, send me a list of the things that I need to send them. All they did was try to sell me a more expensive coffin. The bloke reminded me of a double glazing salesman.

I keep waking up, cold and shivering. Strange for high summer. I've taken to bringing his manky old fleecey hoody to bed so I can wrap myself up in it. I can't even get a sniff of him off it though, because he had no body odour (well maybe smelt of cigarettes). I'm going to see his little body tomorrow or the next day, a lot of people have told me I shouldn't but I'm compelled. Also there's certain things I want to put with him. I know when I touch him he'll feel different, like cold plasticine apparently.

Little Monsieur's just jumped off the windowsill, then onto my lap, asking to be let under the covers. He's a toasty little lad and has warmed me up from nought to sixty.

No. Shivering and general collywobbles is not unexpected. (It might also be aggravated by lack of decent sleep and an .......out of the ordinary.........diet. Are you managing to eat and drink anything sustaining?) And is your sister still there and/or helping?

Thinking of you.

PS - This is one of those situations in life where it's perfectly OK to ask any of your friends to come and help deal with the practicalities such as funeral arrangements. Don't be shy to ask for help.

Cozie, yesterday I spent hours on the phone and online to the funeral directors, gathering and sending a detailed list of readings, music and hymns to them. I also asked them to be a little more, well, directive. I pointed out I've never organised a funeral before, whereas they will have organised many.

My awesome sis is still here with me. I usually find it difficult to be around people for this long apart from DH, but not her. Can't force food in, it doesn't taste of anything and just seems to upset my stomach.

Cory, I've read through your post a few times to digest it, thank you. He was so gentle, and died in such a violent way.

Shaska, my 2 dickheads are waving back at you. Little Monsieur demanded to get under the covers in the wee hours, MCat slept on my feet. I had to bend my body in interesting ways to get out of bed this morning, as not to disturb them.

Blessings to everyone who has posted, you've helped me more than you can imagine.

I have no words for what you are going through, and nothing to add to the incredible advice you have already been given, but I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry.

I'd ask her to take over the funeral arrangements if I were you. She may be hanging back through not wanting to 'usurp' your place but it's usually better if a close family member (ie not someone who is completely bereft but who nonetheless has authority to speak for you) deals with the practicalities. See what she says if you ask her?

AAww Mantra that's shit about the funeral directors. How low can you get trying to up sell grieving relatives?! Hopefully now you have asked they will be more helpful, if not, get your sister to deal with them. I agree with Cozie to ask friends to do whatever you need them to, even if it's not what you would normally do, people will probably be very grateful to have a meaningful way to help you. You are doing so well just getting through the days, much love being sent to you.xx

Darling Mantra, the shivering is adrenalin changing your circulation so all the blood stays in your core. It is normal under the circs. It's not panic or anything, don't worry.

Seconding cozie on the funeral arrangements. Your sis sounds great - there's so much work to do, you need all the help you can get. Well done on telling the funeral people to smarten up.

Look, eat something or you might keel over at the funeral. Try and force down some milk or fruit juice or yogurt or something you don't need to chew - it's easier to get it in. Gagging is an anxiety response, ignore it. You and your body must be knackered, and although it's kicking off if you try and feed it, just stuff something in. It will thank you in the long run.

I'm completely with you about the death - sudden death is fucking violent. It's a disgusting thing for you to have to deal with. The only thing is that the quicker it was the more you suffer - but the less DH did.

PS - don't worry too much if you vomit, unpleasant though it is. Just do it, wait 10 or 20 minutes and then go have something else. Something will eventually stay down and your body will be the better for it. (If nothing else, it will keep the innards working through which is a good thing for cats and humans both.)

So glad your sis is still with you and helping you - perhaps as the others have said, it would be good to get her help dealing with the arsehole funeral directors too - they sound a bit bloody awful, last thing you need :(

Cold plasticine is probably about right - there isn't much mobility in the skin at all though, but it's not as hard as marble (the commonly used comparison). It really is just a waxwork image of the person you knew and loved.

Food - well I survived on weak sweet milky coffee and bananas for 4w, under different circs (fiancé left me) and it seemed to cover the bases of nutrients for the time. Mind you I lost 1.5st (but that was ok). I just found it immensely difficult to chew, or take in anything fatty. Couldn't even eat chocolate, or cheese - my 2 favourite foods in the world. Just couldn't touch them.

Also, and I know it's a bit woo but it still works, get some Rescue remedy - it does help with the whole shock aspect, which I'm sure your body is still working through as well. My Dad is a serious non-woo person, and even he found it helped when my Mum died.

((((hugs)))) and - still here for you. x

This is bit of a tangent.

We have a saying in our family of 'Ample, Boy. Real ample'. It comes from a John D Maconald novel called Pale Grey for Guilt about a character called Travis McGee. John D had clearly had some run-ins with funeral directors in his time becaus Travis has more than one run-in with them in the series of novels. 'Ample, Boy....' is only one of them but it's the one that stuck with the family.

We've had a number of deaths in our family and we know the procedures well enough now to just tell the funeral directors what is wanted. (And luckily we've dealt with the same ones a number of times.) You just get the practicalities out of the road in some way.

Here's an extract from Pale Grey for Guilt which contains the first bit. (It's not the whole book, I'm afraid.)

It should be better when the funeral is over. Do you know yet when it's to be?

Thinking of you, Mantra.

As others said, perhaps your sis could liaise with the funeral directors and make sure your wishes are communicated to them.

I know what you mean about food, but just try little things if you possibly can, small piece of toast, yoghurt or good old tinned tomato soup. Just to keep you going.

I'm really sorry xxx (((( hugs )))

Cory wise and beautiful post

Am I a hideous person? I feel a bit annoyed with my sister, because I'm constantly clearing up her coffee cups, plates, half eaten food, washing up. Which isn't too bad. I'm only a bit anal about it because the cats knock cups with liquid over. This morning there were peppercorns and salt flakes scattered all over the kitchen floor, even in the boys' food, that I had to sweep up. I've told her salt and pepper is not good for cats, and a vet's visit is a faff I'd prefer to do without.

Today DH's car was being dropped off by his family and I asked if she wouldn't mind dealing with it. She agreed before falling asleep. I asked her again, an hour before they were due to arrive and she crashed out on the sofa, again. I'm grateful for the support, but it just feels like I have more stuff to do, like cleaning up after her. I am grateful she did some vacuuming, I hate doing that. I've sorted all the funeral stuff myself.

Very well done for sorting the funeral stuff yourself.

No - I don't think you're hideous. You're likely missing several layers of skin over the last 10 days or so and haven't got the ability at the moment to let things wash over you. (You might even find yourself resenting the cats just occasionally because you want to be by yourself to think about things - or think about nothing at all come to that.)

When someone close to you dies, you can often find yourself mentally - Oh, stripped down to bare steel is the best way I can describe it. Keep talking to her.