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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

DH committed suicide on Saturday, rang Samaritans, not helped.

981 replies

RubbishMantra · 04/08/2015 03:16

Anyone there? I 'm a bit done in. We'd been married less than 2 years. I got him a dollar bill folded into an origami carp for our 1st anniversary. He hanged himself. We didn't have DCs, but we have 2 beautiful cats. Sister flying in tomorrow. I don't know how he could leave me and our 2 little lads (cats)

OP posts:
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cozietoesie · 14/08/2015 21:05

You're not 'bleating' Darling Mantra - you loved him very much is all.

Thinking of you.

BrucieTheShark · 14/08/2015 21:08

He sounds just superb!

whatsinthename · 14/08/2015 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Corygal · 14/08/2015 21:31

Well done Mantra.

DH wasn't the only talented one, you have a mean way with eulogy.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2015 21:32

I think you should actually write your thoughts about him down in some way, Mantra.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2015 21:35

PS - have the parents been in touch again? (I'm sort of hoping not.)

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 14/08/2015 22:02

They sent me a quite fat cheque. They refuse to come down, because father is "too ill" to be left alone. But she went on holiday a short time ago and left him Cozie. Wouldn't want them here anyway. The reason she won't come is because she's not proud of their working class roots. Whereas I am. I am proud of where I came from. But because Peepipes family are a bit posh, she thinks she may disgrace herself. Our friends and us had a disgracing night once a month. DH went into a bar/restaurant and approached a couple asking if he could finish the leftover food on their plates. They agreed. They looked a tad shocked. He then said he'd changed his mind and wasn't really that hungry.

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StaceyAndTracey · 14/08/2015 22:38

I can think of nothing constructive or kind to say about your parents . So I'm glad to hear your sister has been a support to you .

I'm glad you went to see BB husband . It sounds like the visit wasn't as bad as you expected and I hope you got to say the things you wanted . You are very brave to look at the bandages, I think I would have been too scared.

I think in your situation I would have shouted at him and ended up being escorted out by the undertakers like a mad woman . You must have more self control than me . I suspect it's not de rigeur to swear at dead people .

I think you have done the right thing , and I admire you for having the courage to go . It seems especially important because he died so suddenly and unexpectedly , you had no time to prepare . It would be easy for it to seem unreal .

It's hard to comprehend how someone can be so very much alive and then gone completely just a few hours later . And he does sound like someone who lived life to the full . You write about him with such love. Some people are never loved like that during their whole lives .

cozietoesie · 14/08/2015 22:42

I think most people are never loved like that, Stacey - but that's my very personal view.

Corygal · 14/08/2015 22:51

The 'disgracing' nights sound fab. Grin

Mr C is in awe of DH's entrepreneurial dining tactics. GrinGrin

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2015 00:15

So glad your sister has stepped up again, Mantra and I agree that you have a wonderful way with words and should write some of that into the eulogy, which you can always get someone else to read out for you if you can't do it. One of my friends here lost her DH last year to a presumed heart attack at the side of the road on his way to work - he was 45. She wrote the eulogy but couldn't read it, so his sister did it for her (and barely managed it herself, bless her).

Sounds like your parents are offering "support" in the only way they can manage, which is marginally better than a slap in the face with a wet fish.

You're a very brave woman, you know, looking at the marks on your lovely husband - very brave. So so very sorry that you're having to deal with this. Thanks (((hugs)))

commentappele · 15/08/2015 00:28

Mantra I'm so sorry for your loss, and it sounds like you're coping so well under the circumstances. Your DH sounds really wonderful. He will never leave your life and you will never forget him. He will have a positive influence on everything you do. Your bond remains. Sending hugs xxxxx

Aramynta · 15/08/2015 08:17

Oh Mantra Thanks

I am pleased you saw him and that you touched him. It can be quite a shock in itself, how different they feel. You are incredible for doing so and of course you will never regret that.

He sounds like an amazing person, as do you, and you are both very lucky to have found each other.

Hugs and hand holding xxxx

MrsNippyCat · 15/08/2015 10:04

Mantra, I have read this since the beginning but haven't commented as don't know what to say but, quite simply, you are marvellous and the obvious love between you and your beautiful husband is inspiring.

cozietoesie · 15/08/2015 22:19

Thinking of you, Mantra.

Smilingforth · 15/08/2015 23:29

Thinking of youFlowers

cozietoesie · 16/08/2015 11:20

Thinking of you this morning.

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 16/08/2015 11:46

Better day yesterday. Not so good today. I've got foul breath, from not being able to eat. Got some milk - thanks for that suggestion Cozie, and because I don't drink it usually, it gave me the shits kick started the digestive system. Which is good. All attempts at food have been an epic fail, resulting in me having to run to the bathroom, hand over mouth to stop the regurgitated pasta from squirting everywhere. Made it to the toilet, but got sick in the hair and all around the toilet, which my brilliant friend cleaned up for me.

Ordered pizza last night, got quite excited, but when it came couldn't even face a bite. I feel like a salmon, you know, when they leave the sea to swim upriver, and their stomachs atrophy. Weird, because eating delicious food is usually a big part of my life. We'd watch "food porn" (Master Chef) while cooking to get us all riled up for our supper.

Everywhere I look, there's a reminder of him.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 16/08/2015 11:56

Just dropping by to wish you strength. Flowers

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/08/2015 13:06

Your stomach could have shrunk, it happens to anorexics iirc.

I'm glad you saw him, I think it's the kind of thing you could easily regret not doing in the future.

StaceyAndTracey · 16/08/2015 13:34

Maybe meals are too much for you right now. Can you manage snacks? Like toast , a sandwich , cheese and oatcakes . Homemade soup would be good but even tinned or cup soup would be better than nothing . Or vodka .

You won't come to any permanent harm if you don't eat much for a week or so , but we you will feel even more ill , tired and distressed than you would otherwise . But you must keep your drinks up - heels or fruit tea, proper fruit juice or smoothies , maybe hot chocolate ? Alcohol doesn't count.

What did BB DH make for you when you were unwell ? Would it help to make that ?

Sorry to nag you, but you need to keep your strength up

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/08/2015 13:37

Mantra - stop trying to eat solids, it's really hard. Go for something like Complan meal replacements (usually for invalids), or cupasoup. I could manage to gnash down a banana usually because you really don't have to chew those too much, but nothing with fat in, so no cheese, no chocolate. Pizza would have been off-the-scale of impossible.

Not only will your stomach have likely shrunk a bit, but if your zinc levels become low, it inhibits your appetite, your sense of taste, and your stomach acid levels - bit of a triple whammy! - so you might need to consider taking a multi-vit/mineral supplement if the inability to eat goes on too long.

Are the reminders comforting or hurtful at the moment? If comforting then leave them - if too painful then maybe start to put some of them away out of sight for now.

(((hugs))) - when is the funeral arranged for?

Original poster
RubbishMantra · 16/08/2015 23:25

We used to joke about him needing to keep his zinc levels up. If I was sickie he'd make me Heinz tomato soup and Vegemite on toast. Comforting. Or get me a goats cheese panini. But that feels too unctuous at the moment, (the soup)

Got some carrot and coriander soup, so might give that a go. Dip some Marmitey toast in it. Had a snooze, and woke up craving a sausage sarnie. Probably not a good idea. Bit of a shock to the system. I only ate about a table spoon of pasta, which caused the squirty vomming.

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coffeeisnectar · 16/08/2015 23:50

I've just found this thread and wanted to send you love and virtual support.

My dad took his own life after killing my mum when I was six. I was angry, really fucking angry with him for years, as was my sister. Mainly along the lines of how could he be so fucking selfish because he had all these people who loved him and needed him. And it was dreadful for years, his parents, his sister, us - his kids, all richoted between the anger, the tears and the dreadful feelings of guilt and utter sorrow. I am all grown up now, 46, with kids of my own and my own MH issues, ironically complex PTSD which stems from his suicide and he suffered from PTSD himself which probably triggered the murder/suicide in the first place. I guess I can be a bit more understanding now, not entirely sure I can forgive him for destroying my life but I know that at the moment someone decides they can no longer bear the pain of living they aren't thinking of those they will leave behind having to deal with it. They just want it all to stop.

So I understand every emotion you are going through and you need to get it out, work through the stages, talk to counsellors or an organisation who specialises in suicide related deaths. Because it's still taboo. People still say how selfish and they can't understand it. And they don't know what to say to you because it's not cancer or old age.

So be kind to yourself, let it all out, write on here, open a document up and just type if it's too personal for here, cuddle your cat's, take comfort from those supporting you and most importantly, remember the good times, the little things, how he made you feel and how loved you were. Because he did love you. And he would want you to know that.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2015 02:25

OMG, Coffee - what a thing to have to live with! :( Thanks

Wise words there too.