Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Hope you will all find this, didn't realise old one was at the end !

it is crap, but at least we have this thread to come to an vent on when the rest of the world is turning as normal and no one seems to care very much.

ssd and grumpy, omg I hear you. In the first few days we had messages, FB messages, emails, lots of stuff coming in. Now it feels like everyone is like "ok, I've written my condolence message, done." I want FB messages every day remembering him!!! And we are only on day 5 here.

And good lord the paperwork. My mum is a bit past all that stuff now so it is falling to me and DBro which means it is falling to me Mountains of the stuff. Ugh.

I get you Hearts. All these people come rushing out with all their 'Anything I can do, just ask' etc but when you do need the help, no one is there.

I've ditched a few 'friends' who showed their true colours after losing my dad. One was my so called Best friend of 20 years. When she found out about my dad, her response was a shrug and 'Oh well'. No card, no FB message, no text, nothing. Not even a message to say she wouldn't be at the funeral.

I later found out that she didn't want the hassle of swapping shifts at work for something so 'trivial'.

Fuck her.

I've lost family since mum died, or rather I've still got them but have minimal contact, like rarer than hens teeth contact.

Its sad, but sometimes if people cant be there for you during something they must know has really hurt, then whats the point in them at all..

I'm seeing my " best friend" in a new light as well. Not really heard from her and when I told her I'm having marital problems as well she didn't really acknowledge it.
It was my first day back at work today and I had people asking how my " holiday" was. Hate having to tell people as it makes it too real.

PersonalClown that is terrible! You are better off without a "friend" like that, for sure.
I have one friend who checks in with me a lot, because she lost her mum 5 years ago in similar circumstances, so she really gets it.
No one else seems to want to talk about it anymore. Even my PILs didn't ask me how I was this weekend - FIL asked after my mum, but not about me. DH gives me a cuddle when I cry at bedtime, but he never talks to me about it. He says he doesn't understand grief

I miss my dad so so much. We are coming up to 4 months now. I left my mum by herself for the weekend because we went to PILs. I can't be responsible for her happiness, but I feel really shit about it, because I think she spent the whole BH weekend on her own in a pit of depression.
I can't concentrate at the moment, I feel like there is this undercurrent panicky feeling...

I hear each and everyone of you. People really show their true colours at your time of needing support, kindness and understanding . True friends will be there for you. Others are not worth a toss. A lot of us have found this out.ssd I know your situation has been extremely hard. for all of you x

Teaandhobnobs I know what you mean about the undercurrent of panic. I am awake half of the night because of the anxiety and panicky feelings. The worst has already happened so I don't understand it.

A true and old friend has called tonight. We are meeting tomorrow.

a "mummy" friend of mine called round very unexpectedly months and months after mum had died, she just said I wanted to pop in cos I knew you must be finding it hard.....god that meant a lot, I'll never forget it, she hadn't lost a parent but knew how close I was to my mum.

I really really appreciated it, that's all it takes, a simple kind thought and 2 minutes of someone's time, I didn't expect extravagant gestures just a kind thought once in a blue moon.

Hi. My mother died three months ago suddenly in her sleep (no health condition other than depression) and I don't know where I am most of the time I just feel lost all the time. I feel like I'm constantly wearing a mask and I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend I'm ok

Mrsmummy It's hard going isn't it. Welcome to this horrid club we don't want to belong to.

It really is just been reading through this whole post and I'm sorry for all of you.

Feeling really down today and very close to crying
Miss her so much.

Hello Mrsw I quite understand your sorrow! it's not just the grief you are having to deal with it's the terrible shock of an unexpected death. That alone really shakes you up. It is bound to affect you.
It is only 3 months for you, so really it's still very early days.
It's fine to cry, much better than trying to bottle it all up, and after all why should you. You have lost something that was very dear to you.gradually you will pick up. We are always here when you need to chat.
So many people grieving isn't there. How I wish that none of us were here on this thread.but sadly we are, but we can all support each other and others that will surely join us.

It's nice to have other people who are going through the same thing to talk to but absolutely awful that we are going through it I have a siblings and we have been there for each other but even we have stopped asking each other how we are doin. It's almost as if we've forgotten (I know they haven't ofcourse how could they) it as if life hasn't changed but my heart is still broken my life is grey (I'm sorry if that makes no sense just need to write/say it)

mrsW it is nearly 4 yrs for me and I don't feel a lot different from the very beginning Although of course life moves on. But there is always someone missing now and there will always be an ache in my heart. like you I have a few siblings ( 3 brothers and 1 sister. Sis have another but she died ) who without them I don't know what I would of done.
But they also seem to of moved on now, but I always bring mum up in any conversation. I just can't help it. I constantly go over and over what happened. It was not expected and I do struggle with how mum died so quickly and unexpectedly.
But in some ways life has normality. However I don't seem to enjoy things so much anymore, I don't laugh so much anymore and things like that. I can't without my mum here .

I know our siblings are probably feeling the same way they just show it differently to us. I also struggle with how sudden it was we still haven't been able to register her death as the corner was involved and we are now waiting for an inquest ( corner told us she died due to her midication there just trying to work out whether it was accidental or not)

I'm sorry to hear that mummylin I do wish there was away we could just switch it off even just for half hour to feel normal again

It's not all bad now, things are much more bearable than they were, but I am now on the countdown to the anniversary and my brain is thinking again. We had my nieces wedding in August 4 yrs ago, mum was there, dh and I went to Barcelona with two of my brothers in October, Mum was there , we came back from there. 9 days later mum died. Thank god we had that holiday.

I feel slightly less down this morning. It nice that you have those good memories to treasure.

I can't think of a single person who has asked how I'm feeling re dad being gone. Got really upset about it last night...

Sadly starfish some people show themselves up by being totally selfish. Others seem to think that after the shock of the death and once the funeral is over that we all go back to being suddenly ok again.
I think unless they have also had to grieve their parent they have no idea how awful it is. But your true friends will just " know" that you are feeling so sad. As for the other thoughtless people , don't waste your time with them, they have shown their true colours. You need support not ignorance.

not all people who have lost parents understand how awful it is, my sister flew in and out for the funeral and was posting on fb about how great her life is the day after scattering mums ashes, which was done in a mad hurry as she had a flight to catch..

buts its true what mummylin wrote, true friends will be there, the rest can eff off.....

I guess if people see you are ok they don't want to turn the conversation to sad things and risk upsetting you...

Spoke to mum today she was really down as doesn't have much going on in her life. Wish I could do more to help but am at the other end of the country. What do others people's remaining parents throw themselves into? Need some ideas to help her find enjoyment in life again...

I don't have a remaining parent so can't really help but maybe your local church has coffee mornings she could attend to make new friends xx

starfish my mum has joined the Jolly Dollies, which is a network for widows - they get together and have outings, meet for coffee, etc. Mum met up with a couple of local members, and said they were really nice. She wants people to go for meals with, go to the theatre, things like that.
I hope she will also rejoin a church in time, and get involved in the flower rota like she used to - she has always enjoyed doing that.
She's been seeing a friend every week while her friend's husband is away on business - my mum cooks them dinner and they sit and do the ironing together. Mum doesn't have many close friends anymore, partly because my parents weren't massively social people together (my dad mostly, I guess), then when my dad got ill, my mum spent almost all her time with him.
She's also been staying with her sister, and her sister's daughter, a bit, as her work has taken her to their area, which has been nice for her to have other family support (I'm an only child so it is a little bit just me and her now, which I find hard).
starfish what are your mum's hobbies?