Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Hope you will all find this, didn't realise old one was at the end !

I don't have an app SM . And my pc has gone to pot so I don't use that any more. I just use desk top version

Meant to say that's on my iPad

Still can't get used to the mobile site, had a strange week wish I had mum to talk too could do with an outside perspective.

How is everyone?

It's tough isn't it SM. Especially when you want to speak to them and ask advice. Anything I can help you with ?
I don't use the mobile site I am on desktop. Are you on a phone ?

Can I please join you all?

I'm a few hours away from it being a week since my Dad died. I thought I was doing ok but yesterday I couldn't stop crying all day. I've been holding it together a bit better today but just feel this defeated sadness all the time.
I'm expecting a baby in a few months and this should have been a happy time. It feels ruined now.

Summers I'm sure your dad would not have wanted you to feel this way. Not in a million years. Your new baby is his legacy. Feel proud.

He was so looking forward to it as well. He had been battling cancer for years and they had told him it was terminal. He was having chemo to give him more time and it looked like it was working. So his death was unexpected. Turns out after everything that he died because he had stopped bothering to control his diabetes. Such a stupid thing. He could have had a few more years with us.

sorry to hear about your dad summer i think its okay to have a day where you find things totally overwhelming. I am sure he would want this to be a happy time for you. its very hard to remember that when it takes hold though. someone is always around here for a chat

ml Im on the desktop now so i could send a message but am usually on phone, its a decent phone but everything is back to front and hard to find and its driving me bats. Ah nothing too major the age old should we have another, when we met originally dp wanted more and i told him not a cat in hells chance i was done and we had enough going on, now im starting to change my mind and hes the one saying we have enough going on. hes right though we cant really afford it and space is an issue. there are lots of reasons too and lots not too and im feeling abit conflicted!

how are you doing, football season is back i see .

Hello Summer I am sorry for your loss. It's very early days for you and it's to be expected that the tears will never be far away at the moment. This is perfectly normal and for the next few weeks , it will happen when you least expect it. Little things can lead you to be a sobbing wreck, but that too is normal .
It's very hard to take it all in at the start of the grieving process, it's different for us all, but we all feel such a great loss.
Your Dad will live on in your little baby, he / she will carry your dads genes.
We had similar in that for the first time ever in our family my sister was expecting twins when our mum unexpectedly died.
I hope you are well supported in RL it really does help a lot. And we are always here to listen whatever the situation. Take care of yourself .

That's difficult SM, especially if you both have different views. One thing though, will you be happy by not having another one ? I can see it from his point of view too because he already has his own and your ds. I'm not sure what I would do to be honest. But do have a good discussion and listen to each other's views, and then see if there are things that could be sorted. Finance I know can be a huge problem. But I also know the feeling of wanting another baby. We had the baby , but went without other things, but I don't regret it one little bit. But everyone's circumstances are different and only you two can decide between you. Hope you can come to a decision that keeps you both happy.

Hey, it's 2.30am and I'm awake ???? I'm feeling a bit upset tonight, my mind is going 100mph & I just can't sleep ???? I just keep thinking about my dad x

Hope you got some sleep noodle, one of those nights where you try to make sense of things but it's never ending. How are you today. Yep ml lots to consider, how are you?

I did eventually supermario ... Today Matthew I will be a zombie ???? x

have you recovered from lack of sleep yet chicken, if not i recommend coffee and cake. not necessarily in that order

Hello Summer sorry to see you sharing in membership in this sad club... it sucks doesn't it.

Well I have had one HELL of a couple of days since getting the call about my darling dad on Thursday afternoon. I still can't believe he is gone. Being in the house without him is weird.

I finally made it to Toronto on Friday after the journey from hell. I was flying via New York, and with less than an hour to go before my NY-Toronto flight they cancelled it. They booked me on another flight from a different airport on Saturday morning. I fell apart - I am normally a very capable, organised, get-things-done type of person but I just dissolved. There was no way I could spend the night in a strange hotel room all on my own, and equally no way I could try to solve the problem by myself by going on line etc. I felt like I had lost all my faculties to cope at all.

A very kind man at customer services realised how upset I was (the heaving tears were a giveaway I think) and helped to find me a flight going to Toronto that night but from a different airport. He gave me a voucher for a shuttle service and so I went and waited for the van. I had a little over an hour and a half to change airports, get through security and get to the gate. Well I waited and waited with the seconds ticking away, then the first driver refused to take me because he was taking a load of other passengers somewhere else (airport hotel I think) so I was watching my chances of getting home that night slip away.

The second driver also refused at first, at which point I dissolved into tears again. Completely out of my control, I couldn't help it. The wonderful man promptly told all the other passengers that he was taking me to LaGuardia first, then going on to the hotel for the others, they could come with us or wait for the next shuttle.

So by the time we left JFK airport I had 45 minutes to catch the flight. Well traffic in New York City on a Friday night is ridiculous so of course it was exceedingly unlikely that I was going to make it. I alternated between panicking and crying the entire drive and we finally got there with 15 minutes to spare.

This is where my luck changed. The departures board showed a half hour delay! So all I had to do was get through security. Got to security and something happened that I have NEVER seen before. There was not one passenger there. No one. It was completely empty. I sailed through, flight took off after the short delay, and my DBro and DSIL met me at the airport at this end.

Sorry that was so epic, it really helped to write it down.

Yesterday was difficult in its own way but more about that later.

Oh Heartswhat an ordeal of a journey. I'm not surprised that you ended up in tears. I can understand your reluctance to be in a strange place on your own, particularly because of the reason for your visit. Glad that there was someone compassionate enough to help you out. Glad that you finally got there and were met by your brother. That must of made you feel a lot better.
I hope you being there has made your Mum feel a little bit better. This is so horrible for her, as it is for all of you.

Thank you mummylin
I have been astonished at the generosity and outpouring of support from so many people. Including people we don't know very well. Including strangers behind a screen on 'tinterweb.

summer - I'm sorry for your loss. I was in a similar position to you... my dad died of cancer in Feb this year. He went downhill so quickly after just missing out on getting on a promising new drug trial. I was 5 months pregnant. He knew about the baby and was excited to have a second grandchild especially after thinking he may not have even met my first given his original prognosis.

Anyway it was not to be. I posted on here just after he died and someone offered the advice that things had happened the right way round.... at first I wasn't sure I agreed, but now I think I do. Death brings great sadness and emptiness but then makes way for new life... You'll hug your new baby tighter knowing your dad lives on in him/her. Allow yourself to get through these first difficult weeks and make sure you eat/sleep as best you can for yours and the baby's sake. You will feel guilty for not being excited for the baby's arrival but then as the day draws nearer you'll once again focus on your pregnancy and I promise you even tho it will be tinged with sadness you will feel euphoric when bubba arrives.

My little man is 10 weeks now and my dad has been gone 6 months. Your post struck a chord with me as feels like yesterday I was in a similar position... I guess what I'm trying to say is its ok to put the baby out of your mind whilst dealing with your grief but know that it's not ruined and you will feel such joy when it's born.

Hugs xx

summer I'm so sorry to see you here. I promise you the pain does get easier to bear.

I had a shocker of an afternoon yesterday. I just wanted to be left alone to contemplate, so I went and tidied up my back bedroom/study. I put on spotify to listen to Il Divo (my Mam's favourite) to feel a bit closer to her and whilst I had it on 'time to say goodbye' came on and I bawled my eyes out. Real heart wrenching sobs. DH just came up and hugged me and kept on telling me it would get easier. I was rambling on a bit and then it hit me, the black cloud I was feeling was due to me wanting to speak to her and I couldn't. I felt at odds all night with it.

I slept well last night and I don't generally remember my dreams, but I remember that I dreamt of my Mam, but I can't recall about what, but I woke from the dream feeling OKish.

I've had a good day today and I've not had the cloud descend. I've talked to my Dad on the phone and he seems to be getting there. I have this need to mother him, or ask him to come and stay with us, but I know that he wants to get used to being by himself. Before I left him, I did reiterate that he can come down at anytime, without invitation. I'm back up at the end of the week to go and sort out a few more things, so I will see him then.

I did go the the doctors and I got a sick note for a few weeks. The doctor seemed to want to get me on antidepressants. She was asking me if I felt I needed anything to help me cope. I did clearly state that, no I didn't, I know that what I'm feeling is normal and I will get used to it and i will learn to cope with the pain. I came out of the appointment relieved I've now got some breathing space with work, but also abit shocked at the ease in which the doctor offered medication.

I just seem to be coping with the grief with tiredness. I feel constantly tired and within 2 hours of waking I'm wanting to go back to sleep. I assume it is my minds way of coping, as in if I'm asleep I don't have to think about it.

I hope some of you have also felt some reprieve from the grief today. I've even had a few moments when I have recognised that I wasn't thinking about it and that I had forgot and I feel, happy about that because I feel this means I'm coming to terms with it.

Oh I forgot for you hearts you have made me feel humbled by my 70 mile distance from my Dad. At least I don't have to go 1/4 round the world to deal with it all.

Thanks everyone for the support when you are all suffering too.

I had never realised it would be like this. I thought I would feel more prepared somehow.

He wasn't my biological dad so I've no comfort to be gained from him living on in the new baby. But he brought me up and is the only dad I've ever known.

Summer would you like to tell us about him?

derxa asked me about my DDad up above and I wasn't ready / able to think about him without dissolving, but I am better now.

He was a kind, clever man. Lots and lots of letters after his name. Loved my DMum to distraction. Quite a bit of a workaholic. Always winning quizzes or rounds of family Trivial Pursuit. Avid reader, radio lover - I have always thought that if he lived in the UK he would be addicted to The Archers. Constantly curious about the world around him and the people in his life. Probably the best informed person about history, politics and world affairs I have ever come across. Firing questions at you, about your life, your friends, your work, anything, one after the other, sometimes barely waiting for your answer before the next question. Politics were his hobby. Scrupulously fair, almost to a fault. The very opposite of a snob. Very tall but very gentle. Fun loving, loved laughing at jokes, generous with his time but very watchful of money and a bit of a pack rat, he always had trouble throwing stuff away. Stubborn sometimes. Dutiful and stoic and strong. The only time I ever saw him cry when I was growing up was the morning I was leaving for a school exchange. I was going to be gone for 3 months, I was 16 or 17. He kept pretending he had something in his eye. He loved building campfires and burning stuff, he loved nature. Keen camper and adored travelling, especially road trips. Loved driving and always had big American cars. Adopted but refused to look for his birth mother or family, he kept in touch with all his (adopted) cousins and family so well. Loved his food, especially peanut butter, parmesan cheese and ice cream bars (but not together ;) ) Like many men of his generation a bit sexist but always made me believe I could do whatever I put my mind to. He had a long illustrious career, past president of lots of prestigious organisations, so when he believed I could be prime minister if I wanted to (lol), I believed him.

Fucking hell I am crying again. I am going to miss him so, so much.

heartswhat a wonderful description of your dad! I almost feel that I knew him. Hope you are coping ok today.
velma it is lovely that your dad knows he can come to you at any time.
Glad that you feel you are coping quite well

God I miss my mum and dad, I didn't have them for long enough..losing them both has made me lose my past.....just to sit in the living room again with them, nice and quiet, both reading....if I shut my eyes its like I'm there again.

I wish they hadn't had me so late.

5 weeks today, plodding on, feeling numb to it all. OK if I keep busy, I am slightly on the edge of tears often, but they won't come. Life has changed and Christmas is on the horizon, what on earth will it be like this year?
Sorry for everyone who is sad and grieving, what a crappy club to be in.