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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

DH is dying

764 replies

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 14/02/2015 03:11

I don't even know what topic to put this in. My DH had a brain haemorrhage yesterday morning, the doctors have said it's not survivable. He's 60 years old and my best friend as well as my husband, we've been married for 23 years. I was sat at the bedside in ICU yesterday thinking that I wasn't going to post on mumsnet, even though like a lot of us I spend quite a bit of time here and feel like part of the community, but at 3 o'clock in the morning when you're all alone it seems like a good idea.
I got sent home from the hospital 'to try to get some sleep'.

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CharlotteInBlue · 16/02/2015 07:41

I've just read what you've been through and wanted to send you a massive hug, wish I could help you with your cleaning as it is the last thing you should have to do. It must all seem such a massive nightmare, take little steps at a time, my heart goes out to you, but take care of yourself, xxxx

OneDecisionMade · 16/02/2015 07:48

Could you buy a load of paper plates for the next week or two?

throckenholt · 16/02/2015 08:13

so sorry to read you are going through this.

Remember to talk to the school - you DS will likely need some support.

And for the rest - one day at a time, and when that is too much, then one hour at a time.

Original poster

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 16/02/2015 08:43

I emailed the form tutor last night, not expecting to hear back until after half term but she replied already.

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Original poster

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 16/02/2015 08:44

what is reasonable for me to ask of the school? He's got A levels!

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Madcatgirl · 16/02/2015 08:52

I've only just found your thread calculators, my heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

I'd ask the form tutor for whatever your son needs, if he wanted to carry on with bereavement counselling they might be able to arrange that for him and it might be good for him to have an outside focus at this awful time, if he's 18 I'm guessing his exams are in May? It might be wise though for him to take a gap year and get his head together before moving onto university, I'm sure his tutor can help him rearrange everything.

Ask your friends and family for help, cooking, cleaning, calling people. Anything you might need.

Most of all just take it one day at a time.
Much love.

PeaceOfWildThings · 16/02/2015 09:05

I can't give a complete answer, but I've found schools are as helpful as they can possibly be in cases like this. Ask for what he needs!
It would be reasonable for him to take off as much time as he needs, when he needs it. (He might find it its home later on. People grieve differently.) He'd need to take a day off for the funeral at least. Talk to him. Did any of his friends know his dad, and might go to the funeral too, does he want to go straight back to school, or take a week or two off?
If he can manage to get some school work done in the time he takes off, his teachers and school friends should be able to help provide the details of the work he has missed. It differs school to school how this is done, and will also depend on the subjects, type of work missed and the student's own situation. Some schools offer group catch up sessions and that might be enough.

Again, good if he can go to see a counsellor (either one at school, one out of school through NHS or a private one, which the school would give him time off for. He would be advised to try to make up for lessons missed though.)

StripeyCustard · 16/02/2015 10:44

Don't worry Calculators - the examining body will take it into account. If it's too much he could always delay a year.

meoryou · 16/02/2015 11:36

Dear Where , my heartfelt condolences to you and your family. You have been so selfless and altruistic in donating your DH's organs.

If it wasn't for a kidney transplant 42 years ago, my FIL would not be alive and my husband would never have existed. I would not have my children.

Organ donation lets generations live, not just the recipient.

God bless you & thank you x

Coconutty · 16/02/2015 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

daisychain01 · 16/02/2015 12:34

Calculators, maybe reassure your DS re his studies/exams. His father would be proud of him, whatever happens.

He could get through those exams if his studies have gone well so far. I was into my finals at Uni when my DH passed away and I dug in, in his memory which inspired me. And my Uni was totally supportive. Educational institutions are amazing re pastoral care.

Your DS may well be a resilient young man who gets his head round it and achieves great things as his father would wish for. It entirely depends on his personality type. If it is too much he could always defer his exams until Christmas or the following Easter. In the grand scheme, he won't have to worry about the exams at least.

Bakeoffcake · 16/02/2015 13:32

I agree with previous poster re your DS. Let him take the lead, keep in touch with his tutor, informing her if he has a very bad night etc.

My own dd was doing her A2s when her best friend died, 3 years ago. Dd wanted to keep going and her teachers were amazing with her. We were all so proud when she passed her exams - she did then have a gap year which she most definitely needed, just to get to grips with her grief.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this.

Original poster

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 16/02/2015 14:06

DS has Aspergers and is already struggling with the idea of going off to university. He's accepted his two offers but I've said all along I will support his decision if he's not ready come October. We are very close, he's never mixed easily with his peers and finds all social stuff a struggle.

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throckenholt · 16/02/2015 14:39

If he is taking his exams this summer, it may be that if he doesn't do as well as expected, then he could get some leeway with university required grades etc. The school are likely to know more. They might be able to offer specific help, or know how to tap into advice if needed.

My dad died in the January before A levels (I was 18) - and I found it particularly difficult to concentrate on revision for example. As far as I remember, the school did absolutely nothing to help (but it was a long time ago). Other family members have recently dealt with serious illness whilst in their sixth form years and the school has been really helpful.

I guess the thing is to keep the communication lines open, and ask for help if and when it is needed. And make sure that DS knows he should let you know if he is struggling with anything school related.

As others have said - a gap year might be something worth considering.

One thing I know for sure, for me - it really put life in perspective and meant I didn't worry about the little things that can occupy so much of a teenagers life.

PetiteBateau · 16/02/2015 20:01

Evening Calculators, just checking in to say hi. How're you doing? Xx

Original poster

WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo · 16/02/2015 20:14

hello. I'm having a lie down. Had a doner kebab for tea, isn't that awful.

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ChantenayCarrot1 · 16/02/2015 20:24

I hope you're enjoying your kebab It's fine, you need to go with whatever you feel like eating, keep your strength up and all.

Many hugs

Auburnsparkle · 16/02/2015 20:24

No it isn't awful at all. You need to eat, and whatever you fancy or can manage is plenty.

catsrus · 16/02/2015 20:26

not awful at all - you should eat whatever you want to eat right now, permission granted by MN if you need it just take care of yourself.

PacificDogwood · 16/02/2015 20:42

Eat when you can and what you can.
There is no Right Way to keep going, but your body needs fuel from time to time

championnibbler · 16/02/2015 20:42

so sorry to read about your DH.

one step at a time.
look after you.
do whatever keeps you strong, including the kebabs.

Pipsqueak11 · 16/02/2015 20:49

So sorry about your sad and shocking news

MrsPigling · 16/02/2015 20:57

I'm so very sorry for your loss xx

PetiteBateau · 16/02/2015 21:30

Not awful to eat what u fancy x

VivaLeBeaver · 16/02/2015 21:52

Calculators, just a thought......don't know if you might want this thread saved for future but it's in chat so will go after 90 days. If you want yo you can report it and ask it to be moved to another topic so it doesn't go.

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