Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

[mummylin2495]

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

Starfish I don't know what to say except I hope it goes well tomorrow & you're very brave to read a poem xx I had my first drink the other night (I rarely drink) and at the end of the night I had a good talk & cry with one of my best friends, which was nice but it's left me a bit meh & in a bit of a daze x

Hi, another one to join you, moving in from 'Elderly Parents'

Mum died last Friday after a diagnosis of myelodysplasia in August last year, but it was pneumonia that took her away in the end. We had various estimates of how long she might live - in August they said up to 12 months, in January up to 3 months, on Friday evening 48 hours.

I've been the main support for my dad since August as he lives in the same town, but DB2 is doing his best to help with the funeral & is propping up dad when he can. DB2's just separated from his partner and is homeless, so it's really hard for him too. I can be a bit hard on him sometimes . DB1 is abroad but is trying to help from a distance. He moved heaven and earth to get mum airlifted home from France last summer, so it's not as if he's not willing.

Funeral is next Tuesday, it seems so close and there's so much to sort out. Like Theas I'm OK as long as I've got something to do, but sometimes the grief just overwhelms me, like a big wave suffocating me, blocking everything out.

Oh, PingPong - very sorry about your Mum. I understand the big waves. They will go over you but you will ride them. I remember so well the tightening in my stomach, real physical pain, and then, in time, the pain eased. It really did and I began to look back at my dad's - and then my mum's life - with more peace than I'd ever thought would be possible given how much I missed them.

Today is my dad's birthday. Happy Birthday, Dad. You and mum have a good day, won't you? Missing you - especially sat here at work feeling rather low - another story! - but wanting you to know that the children are well and that I love you and mum SO much.

And here's to all us missing a parent or parents - xx

Thanks chickennoodle... lets see how brave i am tomorrow! Sounds like a drink and a cry with a good friend was just what you needed. There is only so long we can go on for 'being fine'.

So sorry that you lost your mum ping pong, the days after are so surreal and busying yourself with arrangements is good for the mind.

Good you are generally feeling at peace morven, big hugs for today on your dad's birthday xx

I am so sorry to see yet more newcomers to this thread, I hope it will bring you all some comfort and somewhere to be able to speak freely about things. It's very difficult to do so as most of us don't want to burden anyone and so keep our real feelings to ourselves. This has been a welcome lifeline for me.
starfish you will be stronger than you think tomorrow! I have no idea where it comes from! but it's quite surprising how we manage! I hope all goes well.
pingpong and riverboat I hope you have good RL support from family and friends, it's so important. I am sorry for your losses. These first few days are like being in a different world, you wonder how everyone and everything just carries on as normal, when this devastation has hit you. Don't worry about tomorrow, it's enough to get through today
Morven that is a lovely message to your mum and dad.
SMglad you are doing ok
lilypad I am now three years on and sometimes it still feels like yesterday. I don't think I will ever recover completely, although I do get on with life a bit now. I don't think we ever stop missing people we love, and it can be hard at times.
ssdT biscuits candy badvoc and everyone! you are all in my thoughts

It's all rubbish. My mum is poorly with a nasty bug, I have been to look after her today with poorly DD in tow and I also have a stinking cold. My sister is drained because her nephew is dying, my BIL is also ill probably with stress, and it's times like this that we need my dad. My mum said she really wanted someone to make her breakfast because she felt too poorly to get out of bed. There are a lot of repercussions that ripple on when someone goes.

It's all rubbish. My mum is poorly with a nasty bug, I have been to look after her today with poorly DD in tow and I also have a stinking cold. My sister is drained because her nephew is dying, my BIL is also ill probably with stress, and it's times like this that we need my dad. My mum said she really wanted someone to make her breakfast because she felt too poorly to get out of bed. There are a lot of repercussions that ripple on when someone goes.

Oh dear candywhat a lot you have going on at the moment. Stress can cause so much illness. But you do have to look after yourself too. There seems to be lots of bugs at the moment, I now have another chest infection only just over a week since I finished one lot of meds.have today got another lot and hopefully this will clear it. I expect your mum is really run down so will be liable to pick up anything going at the moment. Sorry also to see about your sisters nephew, that is very sad

So sorry starfish, ping-pong and others trying to prop up the parent left behind. I don't really have the headspace to dwell on my own sadness right now as am so focused on mum, trying to support her and just plain worrying about her while trying to calmly reassure her she is of course going to be fine and will get through this and manage to cope on her own. Dad did all the practical bills/finance stuff, organised trips and travel and also did all the cooking and shopping. Mum can't drive, so that is a bit of a worry really though she is used to getting buses everywhere for short distances. She has also started to worry about her financial situation now without dads salary (neither of them are retired), I need to try to get a handle on monthly outgoings tomorrow and work out where she stands. Need to work out what happens to his pension too.

Can't believe its only been 48 hours since dad died, in some ways it feels hyper-real as it is all we have talked and thought about since, in other ways it still doesn't seem real or believable at all.

Dad's post mortem is tomorrow, hopefully we will get some finality on what actually happened, I think that will help mum a bit as she keeps turning it all over in her head and trying to work out what she could have done differently or what might have been...

Funeral probably not for another 12 days! Seems such a long time to wait, I am going to have to go back home and back to work next week and it will be awful leaving mum on her own while things still aren't resolved. Will be back the week after for funeral prep/day/aftermath though.

Sorry for massive ramble, just helps a bit getting it out.

Gosh riverboat1 my heart goes out to you. 62 is no age, and your poor gran, no one expects to bury their child but by the time you get to 96 you must be pretty certain in your mind that you'll go first.

A productive day here re house stuff. Got to get onto the proper admin though having finally registered the death yesterday - after heart stoping panic and much rushing between 2 doctors surgery branches and the funeral director because death cert 1 had the wrong date and address with a minor error re cause of death, but the re write , whilst having correct demographics had a wrong cause of death - something she had but didn't kill her- and crucially this differed from the cause of death on the cremation paperwork!

My amazing 15yr old held my arm and stopped me falling apart completely - she also calmly paid the car park fee and sorted the ticket so I could leg it to the register office. If I'd been alone that pay and display 60p would have been the straw that broke the camels back. Thank goodness it was a teacher day. She went home in the train.

So I'm spending another night here in order to take dad to his day centre that he hasn't visited since he went into respite. Hope he enjoys it and doesn't spend his time upset or looking for mum. I'm very aprehensive. I want it to go well so that I know keeping him here is the right choice - I really don't want to uproot him to my city, but if all he has is the inside of a care home he will get more visitis and chances to get out for short times if he's near me. I can't keep him safe overnight at my house, even if he didn't mind the 90 min drive each way.

thanks mummylin, thinking of you too

Riverboat, mine was similar although I guess there was an autopsy, I don't actually know we had to wait nearly 2 weeks for the funeral because he was sent to the coroner (less than 24hrs in hospital & he died) it left us all in limbo. Sorry I can't remember everyone's names !!! Was it kandycane with the funeral today or yesterday? I hope it went well. Drinks with my friend was good but it's stirred up some emotions towards some of my siblings mainly & I feel either lethargic or a bit manic, I'm swinging from one to the other x

I'm so sorry to everyone here who has recently lost a parent, its the hardest thing you can go through, I've found

Isn't it strange how life goes last wed my dd went to a funeral of an old man, she had been his carer for years, today at 4.53 she witnessed a birth. That's a real example of the circle of life.

And tomorrow dd and I are going to a funeral of my ex,s uncle as ex dosent live here and in any case is back in hospital

hope funeral goes ok ml and to everyone else joining this thread I am sorry you have found yourself here its without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever tried to get through, I say try because some days it still doesn't feel like I've made it out the other side.

everywhere I look is mothers day right now the next few weeks are a crock of shit really seeing gifts she would of loved, getting constant emails about it, seeing people oit with their mums and people close to us mentioning it and then looking at me like they've just kicked a puppy. I would like to wake up when it is over.

hi sm, I'm working it again, serving lunch to other folks mums , you're right its a crock of s**t..

Sorry you have to work it ssd that sucks major nuts for want of a better saying!

tell me about it!!!

all these women my age sitting having lunch with their mums....feckin agony......

Sorry if I'm wrong to come here, I don't want to upset anyone as my mum is still here, but she's in her final few days and it could be any moment really, I just want to write it down somewhere. A year ago we didn't even no she had cancer, I was pregnant with my first baby, my little sister was settling into high school, we were all so happy. My mums asleep mostly and isn't aware or able to talk when she wakes, even at Christmas we were discussing my wedding which is in a few weeks and planning the summer. Her partner is an awful person and the grief has made him evil, he's moved out and left her and is giving up the house and selling their stuffs soon as she's gone, and my younger sister has come to live with me. Mums only in her mid 40s, I was discussing my babies teething issues with her 2 weeks ago, now I'm looking at funerals and the person who always solves there problems for me can't help. Wev had to start going through her things already thanks to her partners behaviour and it's making me so sad. My beautiful lovely mum is still so needed. I hope noone recognises me on here, it's obviously quite a specific story, but with having so much to sort out and now 2 children I don't have much time to let it out and so I need to just write it down.

I havnt read all the thread yet so apologies if iv posted in the wrong place or something, I no I'm lucky still having time to look at my lovely mums face and touch her arm, I just wish I could keep her here forever

Yes I agree with you. It's so tough seeing other women my age out having lunch, coffee, shopping with their mums. I feel a physical ache when I see this.
A friend put some pics up on Facebook of her mother and her daughter enjoying a day out together. I just felt so so sad for both my mum and my two daughters that they will never experience that. My eldest was only two when mum died so she won't even remember her. This makes me feel just really dreadful.
To those of you planning funerals, I wish you strength, a rough road ahead.

God sorry Alb1, I think we posted at the same time. My heart goes out to you. That seems a very difficult situation made worse by your mum's partner.
Mid 40s is just so young, that is truly heartbreaking for you all. Even if you think she isn't aware, try and speak to her as much as you can before he goes. I was in this situation and although my mum wasn't really conscious the last few days, i still held her hand and spoke to her and told her what a wonderful mum and person she was and how I loved her. I am glad now I did this.
It's a very stressful and terrible time. I hope your fiancé and your other family will be able to support you and your sister. She is so young to be losing her mum. Very sorry you have to go through this.
I have very young children too and I just try an focus on them and as someone here advised, remember they are a part of your mother.
Bigs hugs and strength to you in the next few days

ALB1 if it helps you to post here that's fine! sorry that this is happening. It is an awful time. We will be here as and when you need our support.

I've decided to venture out into RL to see whether I can do it. Been in the funeral arrangements 'bubble' with Dad since mum died. Had a mini melt down in Tesco on Tues but today I'm going into work to see my boss. There's a big meeting going on which most people are going to, so I can hide for a bit on my own in an office, or escape completely if I need to. Or if I feel strong enough I'll take a deep breath & join them for their coffee break.

DB said the first day back was the hardest & suggested it might be harder the longer I stay away. Wish me luck.

Very best of luck pingpong you can do it