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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

999 replies

mummylin2495 · 15/01/2015 23:29

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

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candykane25 · 19/02/2015 09:56

Chicken, how are you today? Grief is incredibly hard, as is watching someone suffer. We aren't given a manual on how to do it, we just do what we can to get through each day.
In my dads last day, the nurses said they would come back the next morning and a part of me was sad because it meant they thought my dad was still going to be alive and that meant more pain and suffering for him. As it turned out he died two hours after they left. And I've said here before, the very first emotion i felt was relief for him, that the pain had finally stopped. Then I had to keep it together as my mum lost it a bit and I needed to stay in control for her.
But the thing that has really helped me as I go back and forth through the grief is people here reminding me to be kind to myself and to let the grief out. I know it's very hard but please be very gentle with yourself and do whatever works for you.

chickennoodle · 19/02/2015 11:58

Thank you mummylin & kandycane (sp???) I'm going to start doing some worksheets with any/all of my kids about grief, in the hope that it'll benefit me too. I just find it easier to "forget" about him on a day to day basis. I don't want to go into too much detail but he was cared for at home for 2 years & I know I avoid visiting my mum unless i "have to". I haven't been to his grave since his funeral. I saw him minutes after he died, I saw him in the funeral home & obviously went to his funeral, I thought any one of those would make it real, but it hasn't really x

starfish12 · 19/02/2015 14:02

It's so hard isn't it chicken, as candykane says no one gives you a manual.

My dad's funeral is next week and after the few days of initial shock/sadness I feel like I'm pretty much doing ok now. It's insane as I adored my dad but I'm not really thinking about him much and I'm not sure whether I'm actually ok or whether I'm blocking it out. Feel like I should be more upset than I am and I'm doing him a disservice by being ok...

candykane25 · 19/02/2015 14:51

I've found that grief isn't like what you think it will be like. It has many subtle layers which reveal themselves over time. Starfish, the feeling ok bit is good, you are functioning and I'm sure your dad would be proud of you. There's plenty of time for reflection and grief is different for everyone.
I went back to work after three weeks, smiling, breezy, putting in good days work. Then two weeks later I found myself at work unable to spell my own name. So I took myself off home for another couple of weeks and pretty much nothing.

chickennoodle · 20/02/2015 10:20

Starfish that's exactly how I feel (((hug))), I'm trying to get my mind & body in as good a place as I can cos quite frankly I'm waiting for it to hit me & if it doesn't then at least I've looked after myself x

Truckingalong · 20/02/2015 15:05

I echo that. It's nothing like u think it'll be.

Theas18 · 20/02/2015 15:41

Another one having a good day and feeling bad about it. A bit scared too as I went out alone one day 1 and just fell apart - felt so ill I could barely drive home.

Do have amazing DS here though as DH gone to work.

Thinking about the funeral...

candykane25 · 20/02/2015 17:06

Last post by me was meant to end - did pretty much nothing.

Yes, grief is not like in the films. Or in soaps were they cry for a week then never mention it again.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 20/02/2015 19:22

I used to ponder on how it was that the cooking, washing etc still gets done and how I still managed to go to bed at night and sleep. I think we all have inbuilt strength that helps get us by, or our brain somehow protects us from some of the sadness. There are parts of my mums funeral that are completely missing in my head. I think it has been blocked out.

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Original poster
mummylin2495 · 20/02/2015 19:23

SM are you ok ?

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Original poster
mummylin2495 · 21/02/2015 12:45

I hope that you are all enjoying a bit if sunshine today, I'm sure seeing a lovely day helps to lift our spirits a bit . Can't wait to get my washing on the line today .

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ssd · 21/02/2015 14:01

its cold and windy here mummylin! I have a washing machine full but nowhere to hang it up.....you enjoy your day of peace!

ssd · 21/02/2015 14:04

now and started lashing with rain and ds is out with 5 footballs and a pal!

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 21/02/2015 14:08

Was just going to hang mine out and it's come over all black ! Just waiting for the first text from dh to say " at the ground " next one will be " we are in our seats " Grin

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Truckingalong · 21/02/2015 14:26

6 weeks today since mum died. I loathe Saturdays now. I keep drifting back to the day she died and mentally checking what we were doing at this time. 6 weeks ago, I was by her bed with the doctor telling me she wasn't going to make it. Little did I know at that point that she only had 2 hours left. Fucking fucking FUCKING hell.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 21/02/2015 14:43

I also don't like Saturdays trucking and I had a bit more time than you but we also had no idea mum was going to die within the next 20 hours. I really feel for you. And yes I think it's normal to go over and over the actual day. I used to torment myself with " why didn't they do this and that '" and the fact that mum was all alone when it happened. It's awful the things you think, at one time i blamed the doctors for killing her, which I know is nonsense, but that is how I felt. But for you it's still so recent and fresh in your mind. It's a horrible time Thanks

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Truckingalong · 21/02/2015 18:18

In fairness, she'd been a very poorly person for a long long time but she died of something totally unrelated in the end. Bloody horrible. Still, a nice early bit of martini helps to numb things a bit!!!!

supermariossister · 22/02/2015 20:26

hi all how is everyone doing. its been a while.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 22/02/2015 22:37

Oh hi SM , I was only wondering where you were and if things were ok a few days ago. How are things for you

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whyMe2014 · 22/02/2015 23:14

Hi, does anyone have numb days? Some days I feel really guilty that I don't feel anything.

candykane25 · 22/02/2015 23:58

Yes I have numb days. And gut is totally normal. Of course you have nothing to be guilty of but it still pings away.

At five months I have started to notice I am able to just smile and be happy I had my wonderful dad who provided me with many many lovely and funny memories. I talk about him everyday.

It's been a difficult time for us since I last posted. The little boy in my extended family who has a very serious illness is now nearing the end of his journey. We are of course all devastated and I feel so much for his parents for they are, and will continue to go through.

supermariossister · 23/02/2015 06:04

I'm sorry to hear candy, life can be very unfair and it's hard to know what to say. I hope you all can support each other.

We are okay just been busy and with the children being off haven't been around much. ds went on his first residential which wobbled me, when he first started school I remember mum saying to me about all the things he would do and how we would be waving him off on his first overnight in no time. got myself all upset that she wasn't and isn't here to see so much of his life. what have you all been up too?

Greylilypad · 23/02/2015 22:21

Hi all - hope everyone is coping ok.
Candy - that is very tough about your young relative. I do not know how people get through these things. Life is so cruel.
Why me- I think it's totally normal to have 'numb' days, I feel it's part of how your body protects itself against the intensity of grief. You need a break from it some days.

I have felt very on edge the last few days. My mum's first anniversary is on Sunday. I just cannot believe a year has passed. The time goes so quickly and while I feel I can hold myself together better now, the sadness is there all the time. And the desperate longing for another conversation, a hug, a cup of tea, just 5 more minutes with her.

We are going to scatter some of her ashes on the beach near where she grew up on Saturday. I'm not sure how that is going to feel.

riverboat1 · 24/02/2015 06:10

My dad died very suddenly in the early hours of yesterday morning. He was only 62. It was either a heart attack or a clot from an operation he had recently (which had been pronounced a total success).

It feels very unreal. I am mostly worried and desperately sad for my mum, that she will be alone now. I live in France (though have come over to be with her for now) and she has no family in the immediate area. Her and dad bickered and argued a lot, but loved each other and were so settled in the routine of their life. I had just talked to dad on the phone the night before and he was all happy and excited s they had booked to come and stay with me for a week in May and he loves coming to France.

I feel kind of OK for dad, he essentially died in his sleep and probably with only very brief pain or maybe not even consciousness of that. He always said he wanted to pop off young rather than old, though 62 seems too young even for dad... But so worried and sad for mum. And my gran (dad's mum) 96 and alone 3 hours north of here...breaking the news to her yesterday was awful, she has been ready to die for years herself and this was such a shock to her, losing her only son while she is still here. She was heartbroken.

I bunked in with mum last night but she has just got up, I don't think she slept much. I am in bed trying to get back to sleep but failing, hence mumsnetting...

My sympathies to others grieving on this thread.

starfish12 · 24/02/2015 08:31

So sorry for your loss riverboat. 62 is v young and like you say often its the situation they leave behind that is equally as sad. I have the same situation where mum will be totally alone now dad is gone as both me and my sister live at the other end of the country. She would never move as is such a creature of habit and is so shy anyway i fear she will just spend all her time just sitting in the house. I'm not even sure she would get on a train to visit us now dad isnt with her to do everything.

Dad's funeral is tomorrow - I just hope I am brave enough to read out the poem i wrote for him and that the pregnancy hormones don't kick in too much!!!

Hope everyone on here is ok x