Hi everyone,
I'm new to mumsnet (well new to posting anyway, bit of a lurker!), I was thinking of starting a new topic but then I saw this and thought I would post in the hope that writing things down might clear my head a little.
It is so difficult to actually write this down, but my wonderful Dad passed away 4 weeks ago today, he was just 55. He had had a period of illness five years previous (cancer) but this was totally in remission and although he suffered with a lot of pain from the treatment he received, he was happy and so grateful for his lot. He was loving being a Granddad to my sisters 3 and 1 year olds, and he just loved his family, the house, the garden, all the things that people often take for granted, he just loved. He passed away peacefully in his sleep, which is a comfort in some ways, but it was completely unexpected so unbearably difficult to understand in many other ways. We still don't know the cause, it has gone to inquest which as been adjourned until August.
I feel like this is going to such a ramble, I do apologise, but I just miss him with every fibre of my being, and I feel scared, scared because I don't know what my future holds, and scared because I don't want to leave him behind. Everyone says I will find a new normal one day, and whilst I will of course never get over the loss, I will build my life around it, which I understand. However, I feel that by doing this, I'm leaving my Dad behind, it's OK for me, I get to build this 'new normal', but what about my Dad, he deserves to be here, it is so incredibly unfair. So why do I get the opportunity to potentially feel happiness, when he should have that to. I'm not even sure if that makes sense, and I'm so very very sorry if I've upset anyone who is reading this.
I have amazing support, my family is amazing, I have my mum, two older sisters, a twin sister and my partner. They have been fantastic and I know I can talk to them about anything, but I just wanted to write in an attempt to clear the fuzz in my head. It is so hard watching the people I care about the most go through this too, especially my lovely mum, as it is her future that has changed the most I feel, and they loved each other so very much.
Sorry, I don't even know what I'm asking, I don't mind if no-one responds, I just wanted to write it down, I'm sure I could ramble on for much longer but I guess I will leave it there for now, thank you to anyone who has read this. Whilst I am so sorry for anyone who has a reason to post on this, or similar threads, I do find it a comfort to read others experiences.