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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

999 replies

mummylin2495 · 15/01/2015 23:29

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

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chickennoodle · 27/05/2015 11:11

Candykane are you my brother or sister? Wink After the worst nights sleep ever, we're off out for the day Grin hopefully it'll be relaxing & fun xx

candykane25 · 27/05/2015 11:28

Chicken i thought the same! But i don't have a brother so its safe to say we are not related! My sister is on holiday and although I'm glad shes having a well deserved break, I'm missing her today.
Going out for lunch. Taking it minute by minute today.
My dad would be 67 today.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 27/05/2015 20:14

chickenand candy I hope you both managed to find some happiness today despite your sadness
sonnet and dusty I hope today went as well as possible and that you both managed to cope with it all. Now for a few weeks try and take care of yourselves. Make sure you eat and try and get some regular sleep. Just take things one day at a time for now

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Yorkshirebornandbread · 27/05/2015 20:55

It's my Dad's birthday today too. I am wearing his watch in tribute and put some flowers on his grave as well. I'm thinking of getting a memory box to keep the condolence cards and funeral service booklet in. Has anyone else done this? Love and strength to everyone on this thread xx

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 27/05/2015 21:43

Hello yorkshire I have kept all my condolence cards in a photo album! I also have all the little cards from the flowers. Newspaper announcements and a couple of pressed flowers from the funeral are in the album as well. I often look through it. I also buy a laminated card for the anniversary of her death as well as one for her birthday, Xmas and Mother's Day. They are also in the album. The cards I either buy from clintons or off an eBay shop. They are all memorial cards. X

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chickennoodle · 27/05/2015 22:25

Wow 3 of us, all of our dads birthdays today !!! That's quite a coincidence Smile I've been a bit tearful but I've had lots of laughs with my kids & I actually went to his grave this evening, it was a spur of the moment decision (I drive past to go to my mums) so I didn't have any flowers etc & although I cried, I didn't really feel anything Hmm certainly not closer to my dad, it felt a bit flat, like a let down & I'm glad I went but I feel like my dad would be around me day to day (if he is) not at his grave if that makes sense x

candykane25 · 28/05/2015 09:07

Hi yorkshire, and yes chicken noodle what are the chances of that.
I also wore my dads watch and went to the cemetery which was also spur of the moment.
I got through the day but i found it incredibly hard.

chickennoodle · 28/05/2015 11:17

Candykane, I know what you mean Confused my ex wanted to take our kids away for a few days yesterday but I selfishly wanted to have my kids with me otherwise I would have spent the day crying, it's all worked out though & he had to reshuffle days, so now I get a few days to myself & im really looking forward to spending time alone & seeing friends etc x

candykane25 · 29/05/2015 08:49

I know chicken. I've had a real set back this week. To be honest i havent stopped struggling since my dad became ill. Keeping busy helps.

chickennoodle · 29/05/2015 12:10

Just keep posting candykane if you need to, I usually check in even if I don't post Smile I'm trying to keep busy too ... and I've had a lot of exciting opportunities over the last week or so to look forward to, it's helping x

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 29/05/2015 17:36

A Friend has taken his own life.

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ssd · 29/05/2015 17:50

oh my god mummylin what an awful shock for you! I really dont know what to say! Is your dh at home , are you alone? Thanks

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 29/05/2015 18:07

I'm ok ssd. I knew on Wednesday, awful shock. I am stunned by it all. Just going to pop a card through the families door now.

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supermariossister · 29/05/2015 18:26

what a horrible shock for you mummylin hope you are doing okay Thanks

starfish12 · 29/05/2015 21:58

Oh goodness mummylin, what a shock. So sorry to hear this. Hope you are ok. X

mumslife · 29/05/2015 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 30/05/2015 10:46

these are very hard stories, as we all know here its hard enough when your loved one dies of natural causes but to take their own life must be utterly soul destroying for everyone left behind, I just hope the families involved can access a sympathetic grief counsellor, I think that and trying to stick together is the only thing that must get you through.

chickennoodle · 30/05/2015 13:04

I hope you're ok mummylin, please take care of yourself, I can't imagine how you're feeling xx

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 30/05/2015 19:26

I'm fine thanks everyone' just very shocked and sad for his family. We are friends with two of his brothers.

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Blinging1973 · 31/05/2015 21:48

Hello, please can I join? I'm a late joiner I guess my mother passed away last November but my life has exploded since and I just can't make sense of it all. My mother was an alcoholic and I was NC with her for the last 2 years of her life, simply because she had become so difficult and hateful. My father looked after her and stood by her and had to put up with an awful lot. She deteriorated very quickly over a weekend and I'm glad to say I did get there in time to see her before she went.
Within 2 weeks of my mother dying my father started to go out with a widowed woman that my father and mother knew. It was just company, a drink now and again and even though I was slightly uncomfortable with it I didn't make a fuss.
The relationship sped off with them making holiday plans within 6 weeks of my mother passing to which my brother and I got upset about so they abandoned their plans. My father became quite resentful about all of this and over the months has become closer and closer to this woman and further and further away from my brother and I. Whenever we spoke to my father about it he has got angry and defensive, he feels he's done his grieving and deserves happiness after all he had to put up with. Apparently I'm not in a position to say anything because after all I went NC with my mother so I shoudnt be grieving.

In fact I am grieving. The guilt I feel about the way things were between us is enough to have to work through, then her death on top and now this. Things came to a head recently when we had a bust up as it became apparent that this woman is making moves to live with my father already and my brother and I just can't cope with it. My father has effectively raised this woman to 'wife' status in his house and he expects us to respect her as that.

It's all so soon, I just cannot wrap my head around it, I'm breaking down all the time but my father just thinks we are against it all just to spoil his fun, he hasn't handled this well with us at all. Just because we are adults with children of our doesn't mean we aren't grieving our mother and the family home that we felt was exclusively ours.

It's so hard, now I am almost NC with my father as he doesn't want anything to do with us unless we accept the new woman. What a mess. What I do know is that for all my mothers faults was he would never have wanted this for us kids.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 31/05/2015 22:21

Hello blinging what an awful situation to find yourself in. I know how hard it is to live with an alcoholic as my dd,s ex is one.
Firstly I am sorry for your loss, whatever your mum was, I can see that you cared for her. You obviously know how hard it is for alcoholics to stop drinking, even when it causes so much upset for others in the family.
Your dad is in a difficult situation, he has probably had to cope with a lot the past years, and maybe he now feels so relieved to be free of all the worry. I can't really comment on the relationship between you, your brother and your dad, but all I will say is that if you feel so strongly against it, there are no rules that say you have to like or accept her.
Maybe in time you will learn to get along with her, but this must be your own choice.
Perhaps you and your brother can invite your dad ( on his own ) to your homes and keep your relationship with your dad, and not involving the woman at all. I hope I haven't said anything out of place. I do understand how you must feel, with your dad striking up a friendship so soon after your mum passing. Don't let it spoil your relationship with your dad. Flowers

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Blinging1973 · 31/05/2015 22:30

Thanks, we have tried to explain this to my dad but he insists that she must be a part of our family get togethers as thy are a couple and we have to accept that - he says she will be offended if she's left out! He tells her everything that we speak to him about - some things that should have remained private (about my dad being careful to protect himself financially) have caused her to blow up - she wanted my father to stop talking to me over it. The situation is terrible, I fear we have already lost my father to her. It's all consuming, I can't think of anything else at the moment, I'm constantly on the verge of tears.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 31/05/2015 22:51

What a sad time it seems to be, just when you should all be supporting each other.
If your dad has set his heart on being with her, to the detriment of you and your brother, then he will have to accept how you feel about the situation and be prepared to lose out on seeing you both vey often. Seems like she may be quite a controlling person.
It's quite an intolerable situation for you, and if your dad won't come to visit you without her, I don't know what else you could do.
If your dad is telling her everything that you and he speak about I would be very carefull what you discuss. Things can get twisted and stories get altered when they are repeated.
Maybe just let him get on with it and hope it fizzles out.

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Blinging1973 · 31/05/2015 23:09

Thanks so much, yes, that is the situation exactly. We are going to have to sit back and try to be kind to ourselves. I hope my father realises one day what he's doing. It's making it so much harder to work through all my grief and guilt over my mother when there's all this going on too.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 31/05/2015 23:34

Just for now,take some time to do your grieving for your mum, don't take everything onto your shoulders at this time. The grief is enough in itself to deal with. Take one day at a time for now, don't sit and worry about the future. Your dad is an adult and hopefully won't let it get to the stage where he loses you and your brother. Take care of yourself, and I hope you and your brother can help each other through everything.

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