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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone That Has Lost A Parent

999 replies

mummylin2495 · 15/01/2015 23:29

Well here we are again, yet another thread. I am worried about the big tree by my mums grave. I would be horrified if mums stone was smashed, and my sisters too come to that as they are side by side.

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Original poster
mummylin2495 · 28/04/2015 15:27

My friend who díed in Australia had his funeral at 3 am this morning our time, it was 11.30am in Australia. I made sure I was awake whilst it was going on so I could be with them in spirit. Finally went to bed and didn't wake until about 10.30 !

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ssd · 28/04/2015 18:34

Thanks for you mummylin

(also was thinking of you when I heard the sports news, was that your dh's team that one against another team and are moving to the premier league?)

mumslife · 28/04/2015 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 28/04/2015 19:55

Yes you are quite right ssd sadly dh and my brother along with 5 others flew to Majorca yesterday for their yearly trip. The match was originally meant to be on Saturday but because sky wanted it on the tele it was put off until last night which meant after going to every match ( season ticket holders) they couldn't be there ! But they found a pub to watch it in and dh kept texting me with updates.
They come back on Friday , but on Sat they travel somewhere or other for the last game of the season. The whole town is thrilled for them after a few bad years for one reason or another. They are going to have an open top bus tour next Monday so no doubt we will be there ! Strangely I nearly sent you a pm to tell your dh !

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Original poster
mummylin2495 · 28/04/2015 20:00

mumslife I am so sorry that you have had so many sad times! I think the special days are horrible to get through but to have so many close together is awful. But sadly the first year there are many " firsts" to get through. The days always feel incomplete when someone from the family circle is missing. Things will eventually get better , even if at the moment you don't think they will Thanks

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ssd · 28/04/2015 22:22

I knew that was the team! What a shame they missed the game, but at least they'll have some goof games next season to look forward to!

ssd · 28/04/2015 22:23

goof?!?

good!!!

UpUpAndAway123 · 29/04/2015 09:04

Hello everyone. Hoping to join the thread. My mum died in January. She was diagnosed with advanced bowel cancer in August last year-we were blindsided.

Although her treatment was palliative, her death still came as a shock as her prognosis was a couple of years. The cancer was just so aggressive and the chemo stopped working and she developed a blockage in her bowel; went through awful surgery to have an ileostomy but her body just couldn't recover from the surgery whilst fighting the cancer. She was 53 and so full of life. It sounds cliché but she was my best friend and I miss her so much.
My children keep me going (I have a 5 year old and a 6 month old) but I just feel I will never be 100% happy again-sounds crazy but just feel when I am happy there will always be something missing. I just feel the whole family has been robbed of a happy future. I have 4 sisters, one a teenager who is just being a nightmare (she has been like this for a couple of years but now my dad is struggling to deal with her on his own and as a sister there's only so much I can do).
It's my birthday this week and just feeling so sorry for myself as it's the first without my mum. I would usually speak to my sister but she's just had her first baby and don't want to burden her as it's hard enough that my mum never met him.
Sorry for the long post and hope you're all well x x

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 29/04/2015 10:05

Hello up I am sorry you have joined us here, on the other hand I hope we can support you. I do understand about the bowel cancer, my aunt had it 19 yrs ago and had a colostomy not illeostomy. She very often has blockages which require hospital stays.
That must of been a terrible shock to think you had two years with your mum and even that was taken away from you. You are like most of us on this thread who feel that life will never be the same but logically how can it ? We will always have that certain person missing and nothing can ever replace them.
I myself feel I can never be 100% happy again. I need my mum.
Your teenage sisters behaviour may of got a bit worse because she is hurt and angry at losing her mum, it's not always easy for people to say what they feel , so instead will act up for attention. Your poor dad is dealing with his own grief so it's difficult for him isn't it.
Hold on to your family and support each other, please continue to post when you feel the need to, someone will always answer you.

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mumslife · 29/04/2015 14:03

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 29/04/2015 16:20

I'm so sorry upupandway123, thats very young and a huge loss to you all to lose your mum. Theres no words to say except look after each other and try to be kind to yourself xxx

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 29/04/2015 19:42

Thinking of all the sad people on the thread at this time, just get by day by day , don't look ahead too far. Hope you are all getting RL support and lots of hugs.

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devon004 · 30/04/2015 00:58

Rejoining thread again under a different name. My dad died over 20 years ago and my mum 4 years sgo. I have coped ok but recentky things have become tough again. One of my siblings told me that my mum suffered severe pnd following the birth of my next eldest sister and really couldn't contemplate being pregnant again and would do whatever was necessary to prevent it.. 4 years later I came along so fortunately it didn't work.
Now my mil is dying. She is my dcs last remaining grandparent. I just can't work out why I am feeling so bad. Mil and I aren't close but I think I am struggling more than dh. Any help from you lovely ladies appreciated.
Thank you.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 30/04/2015 01:51

I expect your MIL being so ill is bringing the losses you have had to the surface once again. The sadness you felt then has been resurrected as you now have to go through it all again. I hope your Mil is kept as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. I'm sure it will be tough but we are here when you need us to be.

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devon004 · 30/04/2015 02:03

Thank you

ssd · 30/04/2015 07:52

I agree with mummylin, I think the fact your MIL is the last grandparent your kids will have has brought to the surface the other deaths that have happened, and as it affects your kids it really affects you. My kids have no grandparents, since ds was 11 and its an absolute killer. I dont know anyone else in this position who's kids arent a lot older. It rips my heart out for them.

All we can do is try to be great parents, to make up for the loss of extended family.

devon004 · 30/04/2015 08:29

Thank you. My youngest is only two eand has only ever had 1 grandparent. I lost my only grandparent I knew at 7.

ssd · 30/04/2015 09:18

thats sad Sad, I'm really sorry. I didnt have grandparents either growing up, and I cant remember it bothering me, I just knew they werent there and I accepted it without question. I think its us as parents grieving for the relationship we know our parents or parents in law would have had with our kids, and feeling bad our kids dont have that, especially when we see what a difference active grandparents can make in a child life, not to mention the help they give the parents..but I suppose the kids wont notice if they have never had it, mine just accept X at school has a new phone or goes on a school trip cos granny is paying and he doesnt go as we dont have that help. I just hope it doesnt hurt him like it does me.

devon004 · 30/04/2015 09:45

You are probably right ssd thank you.

devon004 · 30/04/2015 09:49

Yes I remember being in tears on the bus as I was sat behing a couple of doting grandparents talking about getting some money out so they could treat their granddaughter.

chickennoodle · 30/04/2015 11:16

Hey everyone, I'm having a really tough time at the moment, I just can't stop crying Confused I spent the beginning of the week literally by myself, not talking to anyone or going anywhere (I couldn't even make it to the shops & back without crying) and now I'm ready to reach out & see my friends but everyone has let me down/cancelled on me & I'm sitting here crying again Confused it's just passed the 5 month mark & all I can think about is my birthday, my dads birthday & it being 6 whole months in the next 4 weeks, I'm so angry at everyone & I want to tell everyone to f*ck off, it feels like no one is here for me x

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 30/04/2015 12:23

Hi chicken I'm sorry you are in such a low place at the moment. I know it makes us quite angry really when the people you exoected to be there for you in RL let you down. But the thing us, if they have not lost a parent they have no idea how it rocks your world and how much it would help to have support. There is also the idea from some that after just a few weeks, things suddenly return to normal, which we know it will never be that again.
Some people find counselling helpful. It's not personally for me but it has helped others on here.
I would suggest you make an apt at your docs and just explain how you are feeling, it sounds like you are very low at the moment and may just need some medication. Please don't feel alone, we are here. Thanks

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chickennoodle · 30/04/2015 16:18

Thanks mummylin, I've had counselling that ended a few months ago & I've been taking St. John's wort for pretty much all of 2015, I don't think I'm depressed as such & my worry is that anti depressants will just numb me & I think I'd rather let the feelings out if that makes sense. You're right though, everyone seems to have forgotten & probably think I should be over it by now Hmm if I'm not feeling better by next week I will go to my Drs x

Yorkshirebornandbread · 30/04/2015 19:43

Hello we buried my father today. I absolutely adored him, he was so kind and gentle. I will miss him forever. He is buried in a really peaceful churchyard sheltered from the wind and rain.

Original poster
mummylin2495 · 30/04/2015 20:22

Hello yorkshire I am very sorry for you sad loss. I expect you are in a daze right now. I hope the funeral was bearable for you and you had lots of others there to support you. The next few days may be a bit of a struggle for you, but somehow we all get through it. It's all very raw and new for you at the moment and I expect you will shed many tears over the coming weeks, but I promise it does get better eventually. We have to accept it in the end, we have no choice. It's very tough and the longing to see them again can be awful. But just take each day as it comes, there are lots of us here who will support you when you need it.
Do make sure you look after yourself, eat and take it easy. Do you have siblings so you can all help each other ? Thanks

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