DH died last night. No idea what to tell 2.5yo DS

[PetaO]

DH was diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer on the 1st August this year.
Surgery was ruled out. We managed 2 rounds of Palliative chemo before they decided that it wasn't working and he was too ill for further treatment and so there was nothing else they could do.

We moved him to a hospice on Wednesday with the hope of using it as a stepping stone to him coming home to be with us all at the end. But he was in a lot of pain with difficulty breathing yesterday, and while I was sitting with him at about half 10 j the evening he was struggling to breath, and all of a sudden he wasn't anymore.

I don't understand how it can happen this fast. He was a 32 yo healthy 10k runner and cycler. He didn't smoke or drink. It has all come as such a shock. We thought we'd have even a little more time.

But most of all I have absolutely no idea what to tell our son. He was at the hospice yesterday afternoon, playing with me in DHs room. So he knows that daddy wasn't feeling well and was in hospital so that the doctors could try and make him feel better. But he hasn't asked about him today. And I don't know what to say when he does.

I am at a complete loss.

This is probably a bit trite for you but it sounds like you've already hit the second stage of the grief process - anger. If you don't know about the stages, here is a link - and if you do already know about them then reading this might help anyway.

Please start to line up help for next week when everyone has gone home and it is just you and your DS - it is likely to become much harder when you're on your own again. :(

Indeed, how do you sum up a life in 45mins? I expect you'll be spending a lot of time to come thinking about that life.

You could have pushed about the finger prints but you could have regretted that too . All the things that matter about him, about this, you already have them.

So sorry this is hard. If it's any consolation, you honour him with your grief, and the way that you're handling this, and the way you are loving his son, and the way you are accommodating his family.

How is DS? Would you like to talk to us about what happens after Saturday?

I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I have no advice, although there are many amazing folk on here who will.

Thinking of you peta. Please be kind to yourself, you've been through such an awful time. Pps suggestions of writing for your Ds what his dad wanted to say & thought sounds lovely too. Perhaps even just listing what you know of his favourite things, songs, films, food, places etc might help Ds feel connections. Hope he's doing ok & hope you're managing to get some quiet time for yourself. X

Hello Peta,

Thinking of you and your boy

Good luck for tomorrow, I hope it's soothing, rather than trying to see everyone

Sleep well

Hello Peta,

I hope today was okay and you are.ready for tomorrow.

Thinking of you and your boy tonight

Evening Peta,

I hope everything is manageable now all the family has dispersed after the funeral and the wedding

Thinking of you and your boy

Today I've tried to keep busy with DS. Tried a new gymnastics play session with him to try and wear him out. Think it worked.
Getting major flashbacks of the night it happened. Keep reliving how horrible it all was, and wondering if I could have done anything differently.
But the wedding in Saturday was lovely, if a bit weird without DH. They were so happy and I was happy for them.
I'm getting through each day, dealing with the paperwork and everything. Back to exercising too. Helps me get tired enough to sleep and Better than wine every night. DS and I need to find a new normal. Not sure how.
Thanks for all your kind thoughts. X

Keep reliving how horrible it all was, and wondering if I could have done anything differently.

If this continues, the hospice may be able to help you out with counselling. Your DH's death was no less shocking than if he hadn't been ill. You weren't expecting him to go at that time and it would be no surprise if you needed some help to get your head round it. You might also hear some things that put your mind at rest.

I'm glad you got through the wedding, they're very difficult, especially this soon.

Please speak to someone about your worries about whether you could have done anything else or not. Different situation, but they told me that even if he'd been in hospital at the time, they couldn't have done anything more, it helped a little.

You will find a new normal. You want 'get over' it, but you'll find a way to live alongside it. You do because you have to, not because you want to.

Lots of love & strength
Xx

So much love to you Peta, thinking of you all here. xxx

The wedding sounds lovely, so glad it felt positive.How is DS?

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Do you want to talk to us about what you wish you had done differently?

Hoping you and DS are peaceful tonight

Thinking of you both xxxx

So sorry for your loss xxxx

Hello all
I've talked to the sue Ryder people at the hospice and will be going to a session with their family support team on Tuesday. Hopefully I will be able to think through things, and they have offered me the opportunity to speak to the doctor about DHs last hours/days. It will be tough, but perhaps it will help.
Other than that im just trying to enjoy spending as much time as I can with DS.

I am so sorry for you loss Peta Wishing you and your son all the love and strength

That sounds positive, Peta. Are the flashbacks still very intense?

How is DS?

Thinking of you both tonight

Hi Peta, I have been thinking of you and your son. I am glad you are going to the session to talk through what happened with your Dh. When my dad died (suddenly aged 53) I was with him when it happened and I found I spent hours going over and over in my mind what had happened, trying to make sense of it. I think that is just something so unimaginable that your brain needs to try and make sense of it somehow so keeps trying to figure it out? Hope that makes sense. Your family are still very much in my thoughts, sending love and strength for the days ahead x

Thinking of you all Peta. Hope your all ok xxxx

I'm very sorry for your loss, Peta, I can't imagine how horrendous it must be for you and your boy.

Hello Peta,

Hope it went well yesterday.

Thoughts with you and your boy

Hello all. I've been meaning to check in for a while. I was so touched by all of your lovely messages and suggestions.
I have tried to sit and write things down about DH for DS but its been a bit manic here.
I had been trying to find a new routine after a manic Christmas driving around various family members. DS had started 3 mornings a week at playgroup and I was back a work part time. I'd sorted all the financial to-do list and started counselling with the hospice.
But then my sister had a self-harming episode resulting in her cutting through tendons on both wrists and being in splints for 3 weeks without being able to use her hands. So she's staying with me for that time so I can loon after her. Half way through now and I rarely get a chance to sit down during the day.
I think that I would like 6 months or so when nothing tragic happens. Not too much to ask for you'd think.
Feeling incredibly tired. Not physically really, I'm sleeping ok and managing to exercise, bit just emotionally weary. I just feel.like a need time for me. But it may not be coming soon.
I'm contemplating getting ready to clear DHs clothes from the wardrobe. Don't really want to but don't known if I want them there either..

Peta, sorry for what you have been through. It must have been very traumatic. I lost my husband nearly 3 years ago to a brain tumour. My children were older, teenagers. My daughter had left home and my son left a year later so it has been a huge change.
Do remember that 6 months is nothing. I remember having a complete melt down at 7 months when his estate was all settled and the final bits came through.
Re clearing the clothes. I still have my husband's. Pure laziness on my part. I must do it at some time.
Don't expect life to go in a straight line and don't be shocked when grief suddenly rears its ugly head and kicks you down again.
I forbade myself to say "I'm fine" when people asked how I was. My real friends didn't mind.
Take care and look after yourself.

I wanted to give you a quick update, because I was so touched by all your lovely messages and support earlier in the year.
We are getting on ok, just out the other end of the admin stuff. Things keep cropping up like the first time the lawn needed mowing and I realised that I haven't mowed a lawn since I was a kid, because DH used to do it. Or the first lightbulb goes and I couldn't remember where he kept them.
DS is ok. He is mentioning his Daddy more and more. He does keep mentioning that Daddy is very poorly and in the hospital but he's going to get better, and I have to explain to him, again, that this isn't the case. It's very emotionally draining.
I am now contemplating what to do with the ashes, and Al, the potential conflict with PIL as to where and how they are dealt with.
fIL is undergoing chemotherapy now too, as I mentioned in another thread, and people are still a bit shell shocked.
But we are doing mainly ok.
Thank you again for being so very supportive and lovely when I really didn't know what to do and say. You are all very special.
Thanks, x