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Original poster

DH died last night. No idea what to tell 2.5yo DS

178 replies

PetaO · 31/10/2014 17:50

DH was diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer on the 1st August this year.
Surgery was ruled out. We managed 2 rounds of Palliative chemo before they decided that it wasn't working and he was too ill for further treatment and so there was nothing else they could do.

We moved him to a hospice on Wednesday with the hope of using it as a stepping stone to him coming home to be with us all at the end. But he was in a lot of pain with difficulty breathing yesterday, and while I was sitting with him at about half 10 j the evening he was struggling to breath, and all of a sudden he wasn't anymore.

I don't understand how it can happen this fast. He was a 32 yo healthy 10k runner and cycler. He didn't smoke or drink. It has all come as such a shock. We thought we'd have even a little more time.

But most of all I have absolutely no idea what to tell our son. He was at the hospice yesterday afternoon, playing with me in DHs room. So he knows that daddy wasn't feeling well and was in hospital so that the doctors could try and make him feel better. But he hasn't asked about him today. And I don't know what to say when he does.

I am at a complete loss.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 31/10/2014 18:50

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my first husband but we didn't have children so I have no wise words.

ThreeQuartersEmpty · 31/10/2014 18:55

I'm sorry for your loss.
I have no advice to offer, but Flowers

Itsfab · 31/10/2014 19:01

I am so sorry for your loss and for your son's loss too Flowers.

Does he have any family you can spend time with? In the future making a photo album of daddy as a baby and small child and with your DS as a baby and small child might be a comfort to him.

Azquilith · 31/10/2014 19:06

So sorry for your loss Thanks

icanhaveadarksideifyouwantmeto · 31/10/2014 19:08

please accept my condolences too.

the only thing i can suggest is continuing the explanation

daddy wasn't feeling well and was in hospital so that the doctors could try and make him feel better. but daddy was so sick, there was no medicine in the world that could make him feel any better and he died. He is very sorry that he couldnt get well and he didnt want to die and leave us, but he couldnt get well. He tried hard, but it couldnt be fixed.

and as others have said.. lots of photos, i remember whens, and daddy used to says. maybe not right now, maybe you arent feeling strong enough.

Coolas · 31/10/2014 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coolas · 31/10/2014 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

googlenut · 31/10/2014 19:11

I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going through. We lost my dad recently - much lived Grandad to my children. Advice I got was that children can only grieve in small bursts and then go back to normal life. That has been the case. I've come to expect weeks of nothing and then sudden tears. The difficulty is when you are grieving yourself and I took the attitude of being very open with the children - mummy is very sad about grandad dying and you will see her crying but don't be afraid that is part of feeling sad that someone has died.
My thoughts and hugs are with you. The saddest of times xx

Ohfourfoxache · 31/10/2014 19:18

I'm so, so sorry Sad

No advice, only heartfelt hugs Thanks

BigglesFliesUndone · 31/10/2014 20:48

Yes definitely photos - we never had any in the house - I only have two old tatty ones I managed to sneak from my mums. Really important to keep his memory alive.

Gatheringthoughtstothink · 31/10/2014 21:53

I'm so very sorry to hear that your husband has died. You are probably still in shock.
Do you have family or friends nearby?
Can someone come and stay with you for a while?

. Winstons wish are very good also the hospice can support you in how and when you tell your son Don't feel rushed into telling him, you know his pace best.

I think darksides advice is excellent.

roughly what I did when talking to my three children, who didn't understand things in a typical way(ASD)
So I did things very slowly,
I prepared them by saying that dad had bad cells, the Doctor was going to help him get better with medicine that was way better than calpol
Then on to telling them that all the Doctors, yes even Dr Who, couldn't make dad better.

.
people sometimes struggle to find the right words, but will want to help. Do let them.

Original poster
PetaO · 31/10/2014 22:00

You're all so lovely, I didn't expect people to reply so quickly!
I have lots of both sides of the family here at the moment.
I was thinking that using a euphemism for death would maybe back fire. But I'm nervous about telling him outright that Daddy is never coming back. It seems very stark.
Also, I will almost definitely cry.
I've looked over Winstons wish, thank you, lots of things to try out. Just have to try and hold it together long enough to do them.
I bought a hudl, really for DH to record messages to DS on for when he's older, but we never made it to that. So the plan is to turn it into a memory tablet of videos and photos of DH.
Thanks again for all your ideas so far

OP posts:
Springcleanish · 31/10/2014 22:01

So sorry for your loss.

flamingtoaster · 31/10/2014 22:06

So very sorry for your loss.

CorporateRockWhore · 31/10/2014 22:07

PETA I am so, so sorry for your loss, and your little boy too.

McYorkshire I am glad to see you're still around, you've often been in my thoughts.

Wishing you both strength xxx

tshirtsuntan · 31/10/2014 22:08

Oh God, poor all of you. no help but Flowers

magimedi · 31/10/2014 22:09

So very sorry about your loss. Flowers

I think that you have had some great advice from this thread & I really, really, wouldn't worry about crying in front of your son. He needs to know that it is OK to cry & that many tears will be shed.

Wishing you all the best & every strength in the future.

Monathevampire1 · 31/10/2014 22:10

Peta I'm so sorry for your loss.

TwiggyHeart · 31/10/2014 22:13

So sorry for your loss op....I would echo what the posted said about having to repeat, many, many times what has happened. I think most 2.5/3 yr olds have an extremely short memories for anything, even very traumatic events. Wishing you all the very best x

tertle · 31/10/2014 22:13

Thanks so so sorry for your loss.

NewEraNewMindset · 31/10/2014 22:16

What a devastating tragedy for you all. I am so so sorry.

beanandspud · 31/10/2014 22:18

Peta I'm so, so, sorry to read of your loss.

I can only echo the previous posts, be as honest as you can. Look after yourself as well.

Flowers
Imsosorryalan · 31/10/2014 22:19

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have no words that will comfort you except I will be thinking of you at this difficult time. I'd like to add' my friends husband died of cancer two Years ago and she has an amazing blog which discusses how her now 3 year old dd has dealt with it. It may be of some comfort to read her posts. Thiswidowsshoes.com

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 31/10/2014 22:21

Oh Peta I am so sorry. My father died in similar fashion of a stomach cancer. it was so fast.

I recommend Winstons Wish and many hospices have somebody at hand to guide and advise you on breaking the news. Could you contact the hospice where your husband died and ask them to help you? I had to break the news to a young friend of my childs that his parent had died. The hospice sent a chaplain and counsellor to my home and we spoke to the child all together. Although your child is younger, they have boundless experience of breaking bad news and I feel sure they will be there for you.

Please call them.Flowers

goatparty · 31/10/2014 22:22

So very very sorry for your loss.