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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

DH died last night. No idea what to tell 2.5yo DS

178 replies

PetaO · 31/10/2014 17:50

DH was diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer on the 1st August this year.
Surgery was ruled out. We managed 2 rounds of Palliative chemo before they decided that it wasn't working and he was too ill for further treatment and so there was nothing else they could do.

We moved him to a hospice on Wednesday with the hope of using it as a stepping stone to him coming home to be with us all at the end. But he was in a lot of pain with difficulty breathing yesterday, and while I was sitting with him at about half 10 j the evening he was struggling to breath, and all of a sudden he wasn't anymore.

I don't understand how it can happen this fast. He was a 32 yo healthy 10k runner and cycler. He didn't smoke or drink. It has all come as such a shock. We thought we'd have even a little more time.

But most of all I have absolutely no idea what to tell our son. He was at the hospice yesterday afternoon, playing with me in DHs room. So he knows that daddy wasn't feeling well and was in hospital so that the doctors could try and make him feel better. But he hasn't asked about him today. And I don't know what to say when he does.

I am at a complete loss.

OP posts:

Custardo · 01/11/2014 13:09

so sorry for your loss

IrianofWay · 01/11/2014 15:40

Hi Peta

so sorry to have heard this dreadful news yesterday.

You and I know each other in RL and I just had to post. All of us are heartbroken at the unfairness of it all - your man was a charming, open-hearted, funny, clever, wonderful human being and the world is the lesser for his death.

Thinking of you and your lovely little boy xxx

ItsNotEasyBeingGreenAndWarty · 01/11/2014 15:43

I am so very, very sorry for your loss.

Thumbscrewswitch · 01/11/2014 15:49

So very sorry for your loss, Peta, and your son and the rest of your family and your DH's.

You might find the Lion King is useful in this situation - my DS1 saw it when he was about the same age as your DS is now, and it helped to introduce the concept of death, the circle of life etc. (I didn't realise that was all in there because I'd never actually seen it myself )

I hope that Winston's Wish can help you too.

Oblomov · 01/11/2014 15:50

I'm so sorry for your loss. the speed and thus shock of it, must be terrible. our hearts go out to you.

Inaminutenow · 01/11/2014 21:53

I am very sorry for your loss! My DH died from gastric / oesophageal cancer in February and our boys were 7 and 4 then. Like other posters, I did explain about their dad having died, not gone to sleep. We've also talked a bit about how their dad had been in a lot of pain and that the doctors had tried their best to help him, but that in the end his body stopped working. We had nearly a year from diagnosis to the day he passed away, but I wasn't any better prepared, as he passed away quite suddenly from internal bleeding.
Be kind on yourself! Sending massive hugs.

Greydog · 01/11/2014 21:59

Just to say how sorry I am for you.

curiousgeorgie · 01/11/2014 22:09

I am so so sorry for your loss. It's unfair in a way I can't even begin to understand but I just wanted to say that I hope you have a lot of support in real life.

I had to explain to my just turned 4 year old last week that her grandad died and I agree with others that 'he is sleeping and he has gone away is only temporarily helpful. Once we explained that he had died and he wasn't coming back, as hard and awful as that conversation was, she understood and stopped asking questions. xxx

Outflewthewoo · 01/11/2014 22:16

So sorry for your loss. So bloody unfair. Take care of yourself and your little boy.

bearwithspecs · 01/11/2014 22:23

I can't help and haven't been there but I am sure that lots of amazing MNers can offer help. I have 2 young DC and do strongly believe that honesty is best. My parents both died so they only have one healthy GP and a poorly GP in care. My eldest asked where my parents were etc. I ended up just telling her the truth as any other story would then have left her more confused. Huge hugs and give DS hugs too.

awfulomission · 01/11/2014 22:28

I am really, really sorry for your loss op.

Original poster

PetaO · 02/11/2014 13:34

Thank you all so much for your kind words and ideas.
I've been a bit inundated the last 2days dealing with DH's family so no time to get back on here really. I am finding dealing with other peoples grief a lot harder than I thought I would.
I would very much like to practice what I'm going to say on you lot, it will probably help to get it all straight if I write it down. And I would love to tell you about DH, but I'm not sure that I can right now. Perhaps I will try this evening when DS is in bed.

I think this is what I am going to say to DS, it continues from what he's already been told about DH's condition.

"Do you remember that Daddy wasn't feeling very well? And mummy told you that he was in hospital so that the doctors could try and make him feel better.
Well they tried really hard, but Daddy was too poorly and they couldn't make him better and Daddy died. We won't be able to see him anymore.
Daddy loved you very much, and he didn't want to go. And any time you want to talk about daddy or look at photos then we can do it on this (the hudl)"

Not so sure about the last bit...what do you think?

OP posts:

Itsfab · 02/11/2014 13:43

I think it is utterly perfect .

If seeing other people grieving is getting too much don't be afraid to ask them to go as you need to spend time with your son on your own.

Thumbscrewswitch · 02/11/2014 13:44

What you've written sounds really good, I think - but chances are he's going to ask you where Daddy has gone, so you might need to think about what your response to that is going to be.
(((Hugs))) - I just can't imagine having to do what you are doing now.

OutsSelf · 02/11/2014 14:42

That sounds good.

Suggestions for.your.last bit, which sound fine to me, but there's no harm in having options. What about "Daddy didn't want to die, he wanted to be with you but he couldn't" rather than "go"? Also you could think about: "when we want to think or talk about daddy, we can look at his pictures and tell each other about him," just because in my mind it puts you in the same position as him and suggests that you will be taking and thinking about him as part of your normal life to come.

In recent conversations about death, my three year old kept asking things like, "but where are his eyes? But where are his legs?" So we had to discuss the whole body remains but isn't alive thing which was hard for him to grasp, but turned out to be useful because it meant we had conversations about what did remain . The conversations happened in little.bursts over many weeks. What he was asking for really was about the limits of death, like how much we could still "have" grandad and what we couldn't have.

Don't feel any kind of obligation to us here, you don't need to respond, we are a resource and not another.thing to manage right now.

Thoughts with you and your boy

LilAnnieAmphetamine · 02/11/2014 14:46

Peta

Other peoples grief is the worst bit sometimes- it can submerge your own when you need to let it loose. Remember to make sure you find space for yourself.,

Re your explanation - So sad and that is exactly how it needs to be said.

Just answer what he asks, don't overload him with information and if he asks where Daddy is, then your answer will be in line with what you believe.

This is pretty much what the counsellor (and myself) said to our sons friend when his mum died and we had to tell him.

juliascurr · 02/11/2014 14:52

absolutely bloody awful
so very sorry

throckenholt · 02/11/2014 14:56

Sorry you are going through this.

Just be honest. Tell him daddy has died and won't be around any more. You will be able see him in photos, and talk to him but he won't be able to answer or play with you.

Tell him it makes you very sad, and you may cry sometimes. There isn't anything wrong with crying. He will sometimes feel sad as well.

He will take it all in his stride, much better than you will.

Look after yourself and call in all the offers of help when you need them.

evelynj · 02/11/2014 14:59

It sounds great. Perhaps leave it open to him & say you're here for any questions whether he wants to ask anything now or any time later. Wishing you strength to cope x

FannyFifer · 02/11/2014 15:00

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband.
What you have written seems a perfect way to tell your little boy.

I hope you have people around you that are able to support you, dealing with other peoples grief & comforting them is so difficult when you need so much strength for yourself & son.

So sorry. X

DaMoves · 02/11/2014 15:03

Could you get a little photo book made that your son can carry about with him? Photobox used to do ones about 15cm square

yongnian · 02/11/2014 15:05

Heartfelt condolences. I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice but just wanted to respond

Castlemilk · 02/11/2014 15:16

I am so sorry.

All I can think of to say is that at your DS's age, I am sure that explaining will end up being a process, which will go on for a long time and change in substance as he gets older and understands more. So in that sense, thinking of this as the big moment when you tell him might not actually end up being the case rom his point of view - if that makes sense.

I have read a few threads on here with people in similar circumstances and it seems normal for very young children to be 'told' but not seem to take on the significance of the situation at all from the 'telling'. Rather, it comes gradually, and later, through realisation of the everyday changes in life and the family.

So what I'm saying is that I am sure there is plenty of time to get it right for him, to keep explaining and reassuring as you both adjust to the new situation, and as he gradually becomes more aware of the world around him.

ChasedByBees · 02/11/2014 15:57

So sorry OP. Wishing you strength for you and your family.

MiddletonPink · 02/11/2014 16:16

Peta those words are perfect.
Simple and kind and easy enough for your son to understand.
I hope people are looking after you and not just you looking out for them.

Grief is truly exhausting so I hope you can rest and eat a little bit and also take as much practical help that is offered.

We are all looking out for you on here too.
You sound a lovely brave lady

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