DH died last night. No idea what to tell 2.5yo DS

[PetaO]

DH was diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer on the 1st August this year.
Surgery was ruled out. We managed 2 rounds of Palliative chemo before they decided that it wasn't working and he was too ill for further treatment and so there was nothing else they could do.

We moved him to a hospice on Wednesday with the hope of using it as a stepping stone to him coming home to be with us all at the end. But he was in a lot of pain with difficulty breathing yesterday, and while I was sitting with him at about half 10 j the evening he was struggling to breath, and all of a sudden he wasn't anymore.

I don't understand how it can happen this fast. He was a 32 yo healthy 10k runner and cycler. He didn't smoke or drink. It has all come as such a shock. We thought we'd have even a little more time.

But most of all I have absolutely no idea what to tell our son. He was at the hospice yesterday afternoon, playing with me in DHs room. So he knows that daddy wasn't feeling well and was in hospital so that the doctors could try and make him feel better. But he hasn't asked about him today. And I don't know what to say when he does.

I am at a complete loss.

Lovely words. He can ask questions in his own time

Thanks all, I will find a time tomorrow to bring it up. It's a bit quieter at home now.
Meeting with an accountant friend tomorrow to try and make sense of all the financial stuff, and then registering the death and meeting the funeral director. Not going to be an easy day.
Still trying to get my head around it all. It doesn't actually seem possible that it's happened.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow Peta, I think what you wrote up thread about how to talk to your son sounds perfect. Are there people with you still? x

I don't have any advice I'm afraid but I'm so very sorry for your loss xxx

So very sorry for your enormous loss.

I've seen it written on here that having your and your husband's friends and family write letters to your son about his dad can be something for him to read when he's older. Treasured memories, anecdotes, what he meant to them. I think I saw it suggested that the mourners wrote these letters instead of giving flowers.

Words just aren't enough sometimes, I'm so very sorry. Wishing you strength x

So very sorry for your loss.

Tomorrow does sound tough, Peta. Glad you are getting some space to discuss it with your son. I really agree with PP who said not to think of it as the One Big Talk and instead to think of it as the first part of an ongoing adjustment for you and for him.

Thinking of you both

I'm so sorry Peta.

What you're planning to tell your son sounds lovely, not too much and no untruths like sleeping.

Nobody should have to go through this. Tomorrow sounds like a very tough day, use friends and family to help and ask for space when you need it.

Thinking of you.

So sorry to hear you're going through this.

I think you've got a good idea of what to say. Just make sure he understands that Daddy won't be able to talk back to him on the Hudl.

Also, if someone offers to make phone calls to banks, utility companies, etc on your behalf, please take them up on it. I made the phone calls to inform people of my MIL's death earlier this year and the crass responses I encountered from some call centres made me very glad I hadn't allowed my DH to do it. You really don't need to have to deal with that sort of thing at the moment.

hope today goes as well as possible

try to eat something; you need your strength

xx

so sorry for your loss. Have you had any support from Mcmillan or the Hospice in relation to DS? I know that they have counsellors and nurses who can help explain things to children.

As others have said, it will take a while for it to sink in to DS, a gradual realisation.

I think that your suggestion about how to tell him is fine and lovely to tell him that he can talk about him at any time or look at photos. It will help him if he can talk about him.

I know that he is very young, but would it help to make a memory box with him, photos of him and his dad, something special of daddys to put in there maybe. It would be something that he could go to if he was feeling sad.

Peta I'm so sorry for your loss. Those words are perfect.

I've got nothing useful to contribute, but I am so sorry for your loss

Wishing you and your darling boy much strength x

Oh darling, I'm so sorry for your and your families loss.

Perfect Peta, honesty is best ime! Sorry for your loss

Hey peta
how's it going?

Hello Peta x Thinking of you and your boy

PetaO - have just come across your thread, and whilst I cannot offer any useful advice, I couldn't leave without sending you my love....thinking of you and wishing you and your darling boy strength and love to get you through this awful time. I hope you have loads of rl support - come on here anytime too, MN is full of wonderful people who will do everything in their power to help you through. (((hugs)))

Hello again Peta. Thinking of you today, hope your boy is well.

I am so so sorry for your loss

so so sorry for your loss. my husband is terminally ill with a brain tumour, and our children are 12, 10 and 4, so at least they understand a little more , though i dont know if thats a blessing or a curse. be open, and honest with your little one, and trust your instincts. he will probably want to ask the same questions over and over, children do when they find things hard to take on board. do you have a macmillan nurse ? our hospice has a family support worker who has come over a few times to do some work with the children. they may have some advice. take one day , one minute at a time, and remember to do everything you can to look after yourself, you cant look after your child otherwise. accept all offers of help, and tell people what you need, whether its babysitting, offers of cooked food, whatever. sending love and hugs

My condolences xx

Peta & lu

Very sorry to hear of your husband's illness, lu

Just been to the funeral of a friend's husband, who died nearly 2w ago from a sudden heart attack, leaving his wife and 2 small boys (6 and 2.5) - utterly tragic. The 2.5yo seemed largely oblivious of what was going on, but the 6yo started sobbing half way through - heartbreaking. :(

So hard to know what to do or say - but offers of support are sincerely meant and I hope that my friend takes them up - and I hope that you are able to take up offers of support in RL too, Peta and lu

It's been a while since I've had the chance to sit down and do anything that wasn't admin related.
My house has been full of people; which is good in some ways and tiring and frustrating in others.
My kitchen table has been full of papers, life insurance, mortgages, banks, credit cards, passports, everyone needs some sort of information and paperwork. It's nowhere near done and the list keeps getting longer. Some of it I can delegate, and have, but some people will only talk to me.
There have been so many cards, Facebook messages, phone calls and visits that all I keep thinking is "if everyone thought he was so wonderful, then why did he have to go?"
I got a letter from his work today. They are all so shocked and sad. They have decided that they want to commemorate his life, and so from 2015 they will be awarding an annual scholarship to the most promising undergraduate engineer they employ. I am blown away.
We have finally finished planning the funeral, which is going to be on Tuesday. I've had to be so diplomatic with PILs that it makes me want to scream sometimes.
But we're doing a message board where people can leave memories of DH and they'll go in a book for DS when he's a bit bigger. I've decided that I can't say anything on the day, so a friend is reading a poem from me.
I think that at the moment, when it does hit me, what hurts is the speed. We'd bought some canvases and finger paint to do family handprints for DSs room, but there wasn't time, I didn't get to say half the things I wanted to, and he didn't get to write the letters he wanted to DS for when he's older. I feel cheated.