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Original poster

DH died last night. No idea what to tell 2.5yo DS

178 replies

PetaO · 31/10/2014 17:50

DH was diagnosed with advanced gastric cancer on the 1st August this year.
Surgery was ruled out. We managed 2 rounds of Palliative chemo before they decided that it wasn't working and he was too ill for further treatment and so there was nothing else they could do.

We moved him to a hospice on Wednesday with the hope of using it as a stepping stone to him coming home to be with us all at the end. But he was in a lot of pain with difficulty breathing yesterday, and while I was sitting with him at about half 10 j the evening he was struggling to breath, and all of a sudden he wasn't anymore.

I don't understand how it can happen this fast. He was a 32 yo healthy 10k runner and cycler. He didn't smoke or drink. It has all come as such a shock. We thought we'd have even a little more time.

But most of all I have absolutely no idea what to tell our son. He was at the hospice yesterday afternoon, playing with me in DHs room. So he knows that daddy wasn't feeling well and was in hospital so that the doctors could try and make him feel better. But he hasn't asked about him today. And I don't know what to say when he does.

I am at a complete loss.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 08/11/2014 21:32

His work must have thought an awful lot of him. What a lovely way to commemorate his life.

I love the way you're collecting people's memories of his father for your DS.Do you remember any of the things he wanted to say in his letters? Could you write some of it down on his behalf?

Keep working on being diplomatic with the PILs. When my friend died, leaving two young children, I watched her parents and her DH fall out over every aspect of the funeral and the children were caught in the middle for years afterwards. It's so worth keeping the screams for when they're not around, although the rawness of your grief is going to make that very hard.

Do you have any photos with your DH's hands on them? Could you do the handprints that way?

As for not getting the say the things you wanted to...my guess is that he knew every one of them already.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 08/11/2014 21:55

I've only just seen your thread. I am so, so sorry. It's so unfair. That unfairness compounded with even the last few weeks being taken away from you and those memory making plans you had decided on stolen from you. Bastard, bastard cancer.

There is just so much paperwork isn't there. So much to do when you are in the place least able to do it. I found a lot of the people I had to deal with to be insensitive and downright stupid, that was hard. A few very choice words were had when one idiot said he couldn't, definitely couldn't, give me the information I needed without speaking to him & no, the death certificate would not do Hmm Angry

Visitors are lovely at times, but at other times you just need the peace and some solitude. You definitely don't need to be pussyfooting around everyone else's feelings...but somehow you do.

It's like wading through treacle :(

There is no answer to 'so why did he have to go then?' other than there isn't a reason, life is just very, very unfair :(

xx

ChippingInAutumnLover · 08/11/2014 21:57

The Award is lovely thing for his work to do. Work & sports club both did similar things and it's so lovely to know he's talked about and not forgotten. They must have thought a lot of him x

OutsSelf · 08/11/2014 22:03

He was really loved, wasn't he? No amount of time is ever enough, with the people we love.

Your message board/ book for DS sounds lovely. How is he, how are you two?

Well done, holding on with the OiLs. Keep on keeping on, we're all behind you.

Wishing you and your boy a good night's sleep.

leemur · 08/11/2014 22:07

Just seen this thread and I wanted to say that I'm so sorry for your loss.

sillymillyb · 08/11/2014 22:30

I have been thinking of you Peta, and what strikes me, is that he sounds like he was really loved and liked by a lot of people. What his work are doing is very touching - he will help many people through that.

I don't know if it is possible, or even if you would want to, but could you ask the hospital / funeral planner if they could take a print of his hand now? I don't know if it would even be wanted by you, but I just thought I would mention it - I know when my dad died young and suddenly, my mum asked for some of his hair and keeps it in a locket.

I am sending you strength and will be thinking of you on Tuesday - I will light a candle for your husband. It isn't much, but I hope it helps in some small way x

ChishandFips33 · 09/11/2014 22:25

Your ideas for your little boys memories are so lovely and how amazing for your DH work to create the award

If you want to go ahead with the handprint idea please speak to your funeral director - I did this for my parents and the undertaker was only too pleased to help.

Sending you thoughts and strength for Tuesday, he will always live on in your hearts xx

Lily311 · 11/11/2014 05:22

Pls speak to the funeral director, I did this as well for my dd. my partner died before she was born and I really wanted to have his handprint. I actually bought a hand cast kit as well and they did it for her, they were very accommodating and understanding. My dd is now 2, she has never met her dad so I'm glad that at least we have these.

OutsSelf · 11/11/2014 09:07

Thinking of you today Peta, and your little boy. xxx

Goldmandra · 11/11/2014 09:31

I hope today goes smoothly and you and your PILs manage to offer each other lots of support in your grief.

I wish I could say something profound and helpful but that's not going to happen so sending good wishes and hugs.

Flowers
AugustRose · 11/11/2014 09:46

Thinking of you and your little boy today Peta xx Flowers

ChippingInAutumnLover · 11/11/2014 09:54

One foot in front of the other, one minute at a time x
Lots of love and strength.
Xxx

MiddletonPink · 11/11/2014 09:58

Sending love today Peta x

IrianofWay · 11/11/2014 11:09

Thinking of you today peta xx

ChoochiWoo · 11/11/2014 11:14

Im so sorry for your loss Thanks sorry not more helpful

sillymillyb · 11/11/2014 11:30

Thinking of you today Peta, as some one as said up thread - one foot in front of the other, we are all here for you x

Thumbwitch · 11/11/2014 11:31

You're all in my thoughts and prayers today, Peta. xx Thanks

Original poster
PetaO · 12/11/2014 20:17

So it's done with.
300 odd people, one coffin, far too many words and not enough at the same time.
Now I have more lists of things to do and a house full of sad cards.
The funeral director was unable to get fingerprints or handprints. She did cut some hair for me. For some reason that made me absolutely furious. Not her fault really.
DS has used his "daddy tablet" and enjoyed talking about the videos and pictures, so that's good (if very difficult for me).
Brother in law is getting married of Saturday, not sure anyone is in a festive mood. But DH would have wanted us to go ahead and celebrate. I think I'll probably cry.
Thanks for all your thoughts yesterday.

OP posts:
FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 12/11/2014 20:20

Oh Peta Thanks

oneowlgirl · 12/11/2014 20:45

Well done for getting through. One day at a time. Thinking of you. Thanks

Thumbwitch · 12/11/2014 20:52

Peta - glad it's all done now, shame about the prints but at least you have some hair.

Re. the wedding, yes you probably will cry.
I have friends who got married 2 weeks after the groom's father suddenly died - the groom's mother decided it should all go ahead and it was still a lovely wedding, albeit a little subdued. The speeches were heartbreaking though :( and the groom's sister had to take some time away from the celebrations for a little while just to gather herself - but she still managed some smiles and even a few laughs.

Thanks and (((hugs))) for you both.

educatingarti · 12/11/2014 21:03

I am so sorry for your loss

There are quite a few children's story books covering the topic of bereavement. If you have a look on Amazon you could see if any of them seem appropriate for your ds

OutsSelf · 12/11/2014 21:24

[Thanks] hello

Are you on your own at home with DS now? So great that he's using the tablet, I hope that will become easier, welcome even, for you.

Would you like to tell us about the words that were said today? Or how you felt about his hair being cut?

Thinking of you and your boy, I hope you sleep well

chocolatewine · 12/11/2014 21:29

I am so sorry. Thinking of you xx

Original poster
PetaO · 13/11/2014 12:18

Outself it's just that everyone said so many lovely things about him and they were all true, but I wanted people to stop talking and tell me that it had all been a mistake, because it didn't (and still doesn't) feel real.
And how do you some up a life in a 45 minute service anyway?

I don't think I was furious about the hair being cut, just that this was all I was getting. I wanted a fingerprint or something, and if I'd known they didn't have the facilities earlier I would have gone down with a pad or something. But I ended up just being mad at myself for not thinking about it earlier. And then I was mad at him for putting off doing all the memory things because he was too tired. Maybe I should have pushed. I don't know.

Most people have gone home, but my brother is here until Friday and then the inlays are staying for the wedding on Saturday.

Today is hard.

OP posts: