Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Woke up to a couple of inches of snow this morning....am so ready for the warmer days! On a good note, Elliott has started walking, he's ever so pleased with himself :)

Special moment when they walk. They're so proud of themselves. Hope your bump is brewing nicely and that you're not feeling sicky or grim cathpip . xx

Morning girls xx

Freeeeeeeeeeeezing here!! Our Tom has gone to college in jeans, t-shirt, converse (got them on black Friday for £20 instead of £94!!!!), and a hoodie.....no gloves, hat, waterproof coat etc etc. The little sod went out of the door and blew me a kiss through the window whilst all the time laughing his head off at me frantically trying to get his Winter coat Dont know where he gets this personality trait from - it cant be me

Hope you are all OK. Exciting news about the walking Cathpip xxxx

Morning girls xx

Very quiet on here - hope that everybody is OK - just noticed I havent posted for over a week - first time in the history of this thread that I have been 'absent' for so long. xx

Hello girls,

Sorry that I've not been around much... I've been lurking in and out and seeing how you all are from time to time.

WARNING - MASSIVE RANT ALERT!!! - xxx

I just wanted to know how everyone is feeling about Sunday. If I see one more fucking Mother's Day advert, I swear I'll explode.

I'm lucky and blessed to have two beautiful children and a lovely family, fantastic friends to catch me when I fall be this year I'm really struggling to cope with MD coming up. I know that it's only 16 months since mum died in my arms, but going through the menopause early is setting so many triggers off.

I think about our gorgeous boys all the time at the moment. It was parent's evening last night and Nemo got a glowing report! His way past where he should be with his SN/LD and hypermobility etc.

I sat there in the chair last night thinking that I should be doing this for three older boys too....

Then I bought my Mum a Mother's Day card, it was a card that was designed to be left at a grave or crem. I thought the words were superb, far better than I could write without losing it.

Sorry, I know there's a thread for losing a parent, but my children, our lost children are here, at the front of my mind all of the time.

Sorry to be so needy and just jump in.

I hate this unpredictable shite that is life over 40, so many people have been successful getting pregnant, there are so many new bumps and babies in the playground....

(Absolutely NO offence to anyone expecting at all!!!!! I wish you nothing but all the love in the world - looks caringly at the wonderful cathpip xxx )

It's the sloooooow realisation that that's it.

No more babies.

However, that means that I get to be lots of 'Auntie Mouse's'

I love children and the pain you feel when they leave your life is incredible. Like no other.

Nemo was really poorly last week, v high temp, flu like symptoms, recessing (up and down/in and out) as he was rapidly breathing and I honestly thought at one point I was back in the room with him on that hospital ward where he died. He clinically died. Stopped breathing. Gone.o my new

I remember every single detail and the sounds around me where so loud and yet nobody spoke a word to me, does that make sense?

I saw what they did, they 'bagged him' and both his lungs burst. He needed more care after that episode, than when he had his emergency open heart surgery at six months' old, which makes my mind freak.

Anyway, I am so sorry for just blurting this out to you. I feel a bit lost an shit, lonely even, with my DH right now, as I'm adjusting to this new existence of a woman with more facial hair than her DH!

Love to you all, no matter how or what you are coping with. Take good care girls. xxx

Don't worry about the rant Mouseface... It's why we are here, so we can say what you feel. We can't say it anywhere else really. I don't want to know about Sunday. I don't want to know about it. I don't want to think about how my baby boy is not here.

It's just totally utterly crap...

I think 4 months after he died I'm just angry, and sad and increasingly angry, as crass as it sounds I just want him back. I just don't want

I've got a mil who the first thing they told me at Xmas was about how my sil was trying for another... Is it me or is that really insensitive.

Now she's pg and it's all 'poor her, she's not feeling well... She's never felt well and it's always melodramatic...

I know I'm probably being out of order but I'm fed up with people acting like my son was never here and now he's gone they just all act like everything is tickety boo.

Hoping someone will come along and make me feel normal

Totally get where you are both coming from. I said to my closest, best friend, tonight 'I dont want a card or a bloody flower on Sunday.' On Sunday I have to go and see my precious Mum. She wont remember I have been to see her....went to see her on the 1st of March for her 81st birthday and she thought I was her Mum. This life is disgusting....in my opinion....my parents did the best they could for everybody..........oh give me a minute - my DH needs me to do something on the fookin' laptop

mouse will ring tonight, I'm struggling just feel like I'm wading through treacle...I'm nearly 40 and pregnant again and you know how much I hate being pregnant and the toll it takes on my body.
Dh had a go at me last night for being constantly tired and sick and using it as an excuse to go to bed early, while leaving him to do jobs.....he was doing HIS bank statement! You would think that this being pregnancy no4 that the twat would remember.
Don't want Sunday, last year It was my last day of being pregnant with Elliott, Aubrey had made me biscuits which he and Pippa ate :) and Pippa had made me a card, her first which she then insisted went on her bedside table, it now stands on my dressing table.....
Everybody, apart from you lovely ladies can fuck off, I'm tired of putting on my happy face and pretending that I'm coping.

Morning girls xx

Oh my word I know what you mean - I think we all need t-shirts printing that say 'Everybody, apart from you lovely ladies can fuck off!!'

It becomes so overwhelming sometimes doesn't it.

Morning girls. xx

I am ignoring todays 'title!!' We are all still Mums. Some of our children are no longer 'physically' here but that doesn't take our title of Mum away. In fact I think it makes us amazing Mums. Not enough people realise the enormity of it all. May today be 'ok' for us all.....because 'ok' is the best we can aim for.

Remembering each and every one of you. We can do this....it is just another day. Like to think of all our children causing havoc together - wether you believe it is in heaven or are not sure....lets hope they are having a ball, that they are all together and I truly hope that my outrageous, funny Matthew is leading the revolution.

Sending love to you all xxx

Am lying in bed pretending to be asleep whilst ploughing my way through a box of Linder chocolates, dh is attempting to parent the boys downstairs, it's not going well! Wishing everybody a peaceful day and hoping that wherever our children are that they are running around causing havoc.

To all of you on this day I send hugs galore. It's not our day here in Oz. That comes in a couple of months. I know how you feel and come May I may recite Cathpip's words of wisdom which are for all and sundry not suffering as we do. They struck a chord with me.

cathpip you made me snigger out loud in an internet cafe. I like to think of our children all together too.

Sending you all and hugs and loving wishes for a peaceful day.

cathpip - I adore the image that I have of you snuggled under the giant duvet on your bed with chocs, whilst trying to ignore DH getting louder and louder at how shit he is at coping with the boys when HE wants to be doing something else on a day that is certainly not his!!

Good on you gal!

We'll talk in the week, I need to sort out your visit re the hols.... oh and I expect you to let our mutual friend, LF clean for you if she's up to it? Is she okay? I must call her too.... big love xxxx

Shabbs - without you, threads like this wouldn't exist and I think you're ace my lovely. You make me smile with your whitt!

Today I have been loved. I got a necklace made of two white gold hearts, entwined with Nemo & DD's names and birthstones engraved into them, plus a pair of diamond earrings.

DH has cooked, and we had fizz with dinner too.

I sent the card to Dad for Mum about missing her and it arrived Friday so he managed to take it to the crem in time.

I love my Mum so much. My sister's ignoring me though..... Hmm. I wonder why that is. Think I may ask her outright! Life's too short.

Anyway, I've thought of you all, all day long, you all hurting and suffering for different reasons.

Sending love to you all.

Mouse xxx xxx xxx

Just checking in all. Hope you survived Sunday.

All good here. Exhaustion hit me today for some unknown reason. I was in bed so early last night and then back in bed at 11.30 this morning and slept until 3. Thank God the phone woke me so I could collect the kids from school. That level of exhaustion just hasn't hit me like that for a few years.

OK here..........I think!!! xxxx

Triumph - so good to hear from you. We're always here. I also lose the plot then manage to claw my way back. I hope you are managing to claw your way back. Don't be hard on yourself it's just bloody hard.

I missing my DD a lot today. Just have that hard feeling in my throat and chest.

Missing my darling DD.

I'm reallyy feeling it too Mo

Is there something triggering your emotions today lovely? ((((HUGS)))) xx

I can't put my finger on why I miss the boys today, well, I can but it's personal and linked with A VERY, VERY dear friend.

You know when someone else is suffering and they have a full force pain session coming at them, full force, tenfold and with a sledge hammer to knock one their door?

That's how I feel. I think that I'm feeling the pain of my friend and I'm 'tune' with her.....

I think the fact that the weather is nicer isn't helping because we'd be out playing with the boys, digging, looking for worms, newts, snails and goodness knows what else.

It's all just a bit shit right now. So many shiny new prams, ickle babies, women older than me - by a good 6-8 yrs (I'm 40) - and I just can't grasp it.

Anyway, the menopause is going well, not. I took my pill for the 21 days, no period and then I started the pack again yesterday.

I just feel shit so may hang on through this pack and then go back to my GP and tell her she's shit.

She tried to override my 'regular', always see, G.P., made me have an appt or no drugs, and he told me she was wrong (good) in not so many words!! Gave me the drugs I needed and said come and see ME (him) at the last pack of this pill. I luffs him!

I don't feel any better as such, but I'm more positive, taking fools with more of a sledge hammer approach than an 'ok' and a nod.......

I've become sick of putting up with being the Mouse with no roar, I've started to build up my voice and my roar.

Not in a bitchy way, just in a - 'fuck it, I don't want to do that so I'm NOT'!!!!

Anyway - that was a very self indulgent post. Sorry. I miss my boys, even though I didn't get to hold them, feel their skin properly etc. We just got to name them, see them in my mind and then move on as if nothing happened.

I love you all for your enormous strength. You are so brave and srong.

Thank you for being here xxx

*Sorry for typos!! xxx

Super hugs for you Mouse our losses are so individual in how they occurred but the journey is the same for all of us.

Good on you for getting your roar going. There are times when it is needed and you need it for your own health and sanity.

It's horrible when dear friends are suffering and you can't take the pain away. Even being there for them can not feel like you're doing enough.

Take care.

Not at all self-indulgent Mouse. This is the place to say exactly what you're feeling (if you want to of course) and know that nobody will think any the less of you at all. Sounds as if the roar is building.

Sending you a huge hug. xxx

Hi Shiney
I'm so very sorry about your precious DD. It's always too soon to lose a child. Please tell us about her when you're ready.

This thread (and my own) have been a complete life saver.

Sending you love.