Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

I don't know how to keep things normal. My DS2 was 21 when he died leaving brothers on either side of him. They and my DH grieve differently to me. For me it is more intense as if I'm at the epicentre of this maelstrom of emotion and sorrow. It's just the wrong order for a child to die before the parents. I still find it hard to talk about Paddy in the past tense. I feel angry that he's dead. I just feel this overwhelming sadness.

There is now a new normal. Just do as much as you can do and please be gentle with yourself. You're with friends here. We understand and we grieve with you.

Welcome Shiny - just so sorry you had to come and find us.

So sorry to hear about your DD. We all know how you are feeling - I am 33 years and 22 years down the line from losing my sons but I can clearly remember the early days of grief - so vey, very hard.

You will find lots of support on this thread from everybody xxxx

Shineyshoes I am so so sorry about your darling daughter. I was talking with you on your sleep post, I am heartbroken that you had so little time. Sending you love and strength and a huge hug xx

Shiny - my thoughts mirror those of the others. How sorry I am you had to find us and for the loss of your DD. It really is a safe place here and I do hope you get some comfort as I certsinly have by posting on here.

Shiney, I am like your dh where as my dh is like you, we both grieved completely differently. I just went into auto pilot, we had a 5 year old and a 10 day old baby when Pippa died, we both crumpled but then someone needed to look after the boys and that was me.
The walk away from the hospital was unbearable, but we did go back to see Pippa in the mortuary, I think the worst walk for me was then walking back through the hospital cradling Elliott and holding the bereavement matrons hand, we had been given a yellow box with candles and handprints in. This box is now known as the shitty little box, and dh was carrying this, it felt like the whole hospital was just stood watching us.
All the ladies on this thread have helped me through some very tough times, we are just coming up to a year since losing Pippa and everything to do with that night is rearing it's ugly head.
I have followed your recent thread and I am so sorry that you didn't get the time you wanted with your dd, sending you lots of strength for tomorrow and the coming days. Xx

Shiney - hello sweetheart. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've seen your thread too and it's heart wrenchingly sad. xxx

cathpip - you are in my thoughts all of the time just now darling lady. xxx I can feel your fear and pain building as each day nears...... You know where I am xxx

Hello and hugs to everyone else. xxx

Shiney - sweetheart, are you eating? I doubt that you feel up to much just now. Physical symptoms are very common, anxiety and vomiting was a definite for me.

Even if you can manage warm, sweet drinks like hot chocolate, or tea/coffee, nibble on dry biscuits/toast.... something to try and get some fuel into you....

I wish I could give you a HUGE HUG and make this all go away but I can't. I'm so sorry.

How did you get on at the funeral directors? PLEASE don't feel obliged to answer that btw but if you want to let it all out, your're in the right place.

I hope you know that we're all thinking of you, and everyone else having a terribly tough time today, tomorrow and this week. xxx

Be as self centred as you like shiney..
My dh read a passage about Pippa at her funeral, I did insist that his best friend stood with him incase he couldn't finish it, as for carrying the coffin dh wanted too but I put my foot down, I needed him with me and our dc .
Do try and eat something, I forced myself to eat even though it made me feel sick, and don't worry about your other dc, it is normal even though it's tough to deal with, our eldest went back to school after the funeral which was the best thing for him.

Just do what you can shiney, and breathe. It's all just so hard, me and my husband grieve so differently too, I remember being very angry with him many times, as I felt he wasn't doing 'it' right. I realise there's no right way now, it's just muddling through as best you can.
Cath is absolutely right, you be as self centred as you need to be, we are all here for you, I so wish you weren't in the middle of this nightmare.
xx

Shiney - glad you ate something.....I have to admit to all of you that after I lost my DS3 I was drinking alchohol to the extreme. It was only a few weeks later when I drank a litre of gin and a big bottle of revolting extra strength cider that I had to have a word with myself. I actually passed out and wet the bed.

Did your DD have a favourite singer? My plan is to have 'Dont stop me now' by Queen when i come into my own funeral. Have already told my sons that they must not let me come into the funeral before the song gets going....they both think I am mad - maybe I am.

If there is any way I can help - I have no idea where you live but I am in the north of England - Lancashire to be precise.....but if there is anything I can do to make things easier for you - you just have to shout up. please promise that you will let me know if there is anything I can do xxx

You describe totally the 'swimming in the treacle' of the early stages of grieving.....the glad of the help but please go away feeling, the want to be back to normal but nothing will ever be normal again feeling.

I promise you, hand on my heart, that those awful anxious feelings, over time, do change and soften. I despise people who say 'time heals' but I have to admit that it does. Dont get me wrong, I still have awful days all these years down the line but not as often. Now I can laugh at the things my lads did but it has taken time.

With regards to the music for your DD....have what the bloody hell you want!!! Its almost a year since my precious, wonderful Dad died - he said many times 'I dont want any 'God botherers' at my funeral, I want everybody to just stand up and say what they think about me - good or bad. We found a celebrat who was fantastic (I think thats what they are called - he did a non religious service for us)....my brother, my two sons and myself all got up and spoke about him - we had everybody laughing at the stories!!! Mum, Brother and myself picked a song that made us think about him. Dads and my song was 'We dont cry out loud' by Elkie Brooks and that was played on his way into the chapel, then Mum picked Danny Boy and finally my brother picked 'In my life' by the Beatles.

Without sounding weird it was a wonderful day - it was the kind of day that Dad said he wanted.

So I think you should stick two fingers up to the world and do what you want to do. xxxxx

Shiney - I agree do what feels right because it will be right. Don't worry about what others think. You know best and this is fit you and your loved ones to celebrate her life.

You will never be viewed as self centred on this thread as we all get it and have all been in the same situation. Share what you feel with us, don't hold back. It is incredibly safe and supportive here.

My DD loved Daniel O'Donnell's boppy songs so we had that playing for her. All the songs we had at her service meant something to her and some people later asked the significance as it wasn't traditional. I was fine with that.

My DS's went back to school shortly after and that helped them. Again you will know what is right so trust yourself and go with it.

Hi Shiney. Completely agree with what everybody else has said. Do whatever you want.

We didn't have a very religious funeral for my DS2 because he wasn't very religious (but he knew it was important to people who's opinion he respected), but it was in the church in the village where he and his brothers went to school and it was such a wonderful celebration of his life lead by the school chaplain who was a good friend to him. We had a powerpoint presentation of photos of him set to a piece of music by Christy Moore. His godmother sang Wild Mountain Thyme as he was carried into church by his two brothers, two uncles and two close family friends and his Godfather lead them in. It was terribly sad and emotional but was wonderful at the same time. The only thing I wish I'd done was to play the piano for him. The only reason I didn't was that I thought it would just finish everybody off completely. I wish I'd played for him one last time.

Some people were a little surprised at how joyous Paddy's funeral was and were shocked that it was so un-traditional, but it suited Paddy just right, and it suited us.

You should always feel free to say anything you want to here. Nobody will ever judge you. This is a safe place to be.

Sending you strength and love.

There was two weeks between Pippa dying and the funeral, my dh went back to work the first Monday after the funeral. I didn't want him too but he needed too for his own mental health, and sadly we needed to get back into some sort of normal., he did work reduced hours for the first couple of weeks though, as he knew that I needed him.
Pippas funeral for us was perfect, apart from Elliott having the most monstrous poo filled nappy that escaped all over the hearses car seats (poor mouse came to help and had a poo filled nappy flung at her feet!) Her favourite princess song that she used to prance around the house too was her entrance music and the first hymn was a song that was our eldest's Aubrey's favourite from school. The landlady had opened the pub esp for us, it was a glorious sunny afternoon with children running around the garden having fun. Just the fact that everybody involved in the day had gone that extra mile for us made it so special.
Hang in there shiney we are all here holding you up. Xx

You're right Shiney, it was wonderful and I'm crying now just thinking about it. I don't know how I stood up and breathed, never mind welcomed people to Paddy's Party and talked. I am one hell of an actress. My DH went back to work (overseas) three weeks after Paddy died. I didn't want him to go and it felt too soon but he had to go. I am a primary school teacher (luckily supply) and have only taught intermittently since. I don't think I'm good with small children any more. There were over 700 people there and loads of young adults and children. We wore bright colours and drank champagne.

cathpip pippa's funeral sounds lovely IYSWIM.

Hang in there shiney we are holding your hands (mainly to stop you hitting anybody who disturbs your peace, but also in love and support). xxx

I will hold your coat or hold you back as needed.

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Don't know if the link works. I just typed in Yellow Child t-shirt on Amazon and it gave several alternatives.

You can only do as much as you can do.