Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Hello all. Just burying my head in the sand for awhile. Putting in the mask each day for work then coming home and just being as solitary as I can whilst loving my boys.

Checking in and sending you all a wave. It's been quiet on here but I hope that means you are all taking some time out for yourselves.

Hiya Mojito. xxx

Cathpip - there are going to be so many occasions like that and it's utterly shite and so not fair. Not at all.... I've been thinking of you lots as the month nears to an end and of course it would have been a time for you all to celebrate.

Instead, you'll be an absolute wreck and I wish more than anything in this world that I could be with you then.

Please tell me that you are going to be with family or friends on that day and the ones around the special day......

I know when I saw you at my 40th last weekend that you looked slightly 'not there', and my bracelet is stunning btw! You are so naughty for using your husband's credit card!!

Please remember that those trains are pretty shite, there's no warning, they just hit you. I'm so sorry you got side-swiped darling lady xxx

Hello to everyone else, something really strange happened to my DD the other night. When the boys passed, I used to see blue/violet orbs moving around the room, from one to three, usually when I'd been thinking about the boys.

Well, with a big birthday having just passed, I thought about them sat giving me home made cards, kisses, cuddles..... joining the fun, being part of the surprise.... It's feckin hard.

You are all amazing the way that you breathe in and out each day even though you don't want to.

I admire all of you who have strength. Courage and who can keep going, even though you don't want to.

Sorry for just jumping in and out.

Love to all xxx

My twin died more than 50 years ago. I'm probably the last man standing who remembers Stephen so I'm glad that I have, just recently, sorted out a proper gravestone for him and paid for a memorial bench at his old primary school. He died on his way home from school so a bench there seemed logical - at least to me!

How wonderful pudding to have something always present to remember your boy by. No matter how long or short the loss my thoughts are with you.

Evening girls xx

Hope everyone is OK xxx

I hope you don't mind but wanted to post in memory of my beautiful DD who passed away 6 years ago tomorrow.

I just wanted to share in relation to who she was and the potential she held.

Oh was she wilful and stubborn, she knew her own mind and from such an early age made it clear she would do things her way and no other. It was one of the things I loved most about her and as we would snuggle up before bed time I would tell her that her spirit was the most special thing and she was to always hold it close especially as an adult. Women making their way in the world can be challenging and knowing yourself so honestly and openly had the potential to be a powerful asset.

She loved animals and most especially her eldest brother. She was generous and giving with such a loving heart yet so troubled when her father and I split. Most of all she was trusting... As one of such a young age should be.... And ultimately this is what cost her her precious life.

I miss you my beautiful girl and wish you were here to hug and hold, laugh and cry with. You will always be treasured and remembered for your spirit, heart and the beauty that was you.

Until we meet again.... You remain forever with me.

Oh I like the sound of your precious girl. I like a girl with spirit who knows her own mind. I am sending my love to you and will light my candle in honour of your DD tomorrow. I have no words that will help except....I KNOW how it feels xxxxx

My candle is lit and will burn through the night. Thinking of you and your darling girl.

Lots of love to you Mojito.

Thinking of you mojito and your beautiful daughter. Xx

Thank you all for your thoughts.

After a good few tears I woke up with a migraine in the middle of the night whilst an almighty storm was raging outside. After copious migraine tablets I dropped off to sleep and woke up with puffy eyes and a foggy head.

Luckily I had the day off work already planned so after attempting a peaceful breakfast on my own and failing I came home and crashed out for awhile.

I then headed off to the massage I had booked thinking I should maybe cancel it as I felt decidedly average to say the least and I wondered if it would bring back the migraine that was still hovering.

Well it was the best thing I coujd have done. I left the salon feeling rebalanced and back on track so all in all a day of missing my darling DD (as every day is) to one of feeling able to face the world again.

On goes the mask again and back to work I go. Thanks to all for just being there, listening and most importantly understanding.

Morning girls xx

Mojito - I always find that 'remember' days are so hard but not as hard as the 'build up' to them. Sending a massive hug and my thoughts to you. xx

Mojito - Your girl sounds absolutely beautiful. Sorry you ended up with a migraine and a foggy head. Good call on the massage, just the tonic for a foggy head and sore heart..... sending you love sweetheart, my candle is also lit xxx

Pudding - I love that you have a bench that you can sit on and think, remember.... xxx

Cathpip - I've been thinking about you so very much...... xxx

Massive love to you all, sending love x

Hi everybody.

Those build-up days are so bad. Almost worse than the days themselves.

I'm not doing so well today and am going to just go and crawl into my bed and see if I can sleep. So, so tired today.

Hope you're all ok.

Sending love to you all.

Love to you all as well.

Lily - hiding away is just sometimes the tonic we need. Our feelings and bodies really do shine a light on what we need and I have found that listening to them helps more than just pushing on.

Take as much time as you need to just be. It's all you can do.

Today is Pippas 4th birthday, I have been awake most of the night. I just hate these trains that hit, they hurt so much.

Morning girls xx

Happy Birthday to your precious little girl. I hope all our children have 'met up' and are proud of us all for keeping putting one foot in front of the other and not forgetting to breathe.

Thinking of you today Cathpip and all your family. Sending my love and thoughts xxx

Thanks Mojito. Hibernating for a while might be the answer. The love and support of my friends and family make it bearable.
Sending you lots of love cath and happy birthday to your darling girl.

I wonder sometimes if our children have "met up". I know that Paddy would be leading the party but would also be holding the little ones. I had a really vivid dream the night a friend's son died. Paddy was holding my friend's son in his arms. I had a very strong "real" feeling of being there with them (in my dream) and they felt very strong and surrounded by love and warmth. I wasn't surprised to hear the next morning that the little boy had actually died as I knew how ill he was. I hardly ever dream of Paddy. I wish I did.

lily I like the sound of that! Pippa has a half brother who is 19 and she utterly adored him, probably because he would chase her round the garden catch her and fling her in the air :).
Today has finished better than it started, we visited Eureka childrens museum in Halifax with friends, it's the first time we have been back since Pips died, but it was lovely seeing everybody enjoying themselves.
Pippa is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake, but I have never had a dream about her either.
I hope that everybody else's weekend is going ok.

Cathpip - Pippa is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake, but I have never had a dream about her either.

I don't know a parent alive who has lost a baby/child who doesn't wake thinking about them nor think about them before they switch off.

You said that you've never had a dream about Pips (Happy 4th Birthday sweetheart xxx

Sending love to everyone. Thank you for this being somewhere I can take shelter. This is a place I feel safe in a world that's hard to navigate.

I had one of those days at work when the mask falls. It was awful. I go there because I have to but also to try and concentrate on something else. But it doesn't work does it.

It's true, I wake up thinking about my ds and go to sleep thinking about him.

His sister keeps saying her toy monkey is sad because he can't find his brother - a smaller toy monkey. Breaks my heart.

Cath. Glad your day finished a bit better. I love the sound of Pippa and her big brother. I wonder if she's found Paddy yet? I can imagine Paddy with my friend's son and sometimes wonder if our babies (Paddy was 21years 5months and 3 days old when he died) have found each other? I don't know what I believe any more and I certainly don't have any sort of strong faith. Maybe we'll dream about them some day. My friend and DIL-to-be dream about him often. Lucky them.
Mouseface (love your name btw) - waking up with thoughts of them and going to sleep with their faces on our minds is exactly right. I had to turn the light on again last night and go downstairs and make tea because I started to have images of Paddy in my head that weren't good In fact I ended up not going to sleep until about 3.30. It's hard not to let bad imaginings crowd out the better memories.

Neverending - that mask. However good the glue, it does slip sometimes. Hope you'll be ok going back to work.

Waving to everybody else and sending love. Have a peaceful day.

Hello all. Cathpip - I'm sorry I didn't get to say happy birthday yesterday to your darling DD but happy birthday today.

I've had a busy weekend as my DS1 had his birthday today. After the week it has been it was once again so lovely to have the house full of kids (sleepover) running around laughing and making merry. It's always weird without my DD here but at the same time to see the others with joy on their faces being kids and living the life they deserve is also rewarding.

That mask can slip for all of us never ending and all we can do is make do.

I wish I dreamed about my DD Lily but I haven't yet. I know what you mean about those thoughts you were having before bed time. Sometimes they just overwhelm you no matter how hard you try not to have them.

Take care all. I may not get time to write this week but will try to check in.

Lily - thank you, my name is all down to my love of cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!! A good, hearty cheddar.

Sorry about the typos in my last post, I was on my phone and it's mega sensitive so does what it likes! A little like my teenage DD!

I'm also so sorry that you didn't get back to sleep for ages, I hate those nights when it all just whirls around and around in your head, hitting you harder and harder. All of the 'what ifs' and the 'maybes'

Cathpip - You have been in my thoughts for the entire weekend, I will call you asic (as soon as I can!)