Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

So much new sadness here. Sending love in this especially difficult week to princess and MrPop.

And what incredible DHACs (Don't Have a Clue) are appearing, to offer useless and unnecessarily cruel advice to you MrPop, Anna and Neverending Just why? I really don't get it. Not helpful, not kind, and not loving.

lily what was your response to your DH? Not sure I could have received that message very well. What does he want you to be / do?

Just feeling that there is so much grief around, here and RL. Maybe I am more tuned into it at the moment. On the radio last week, I listened to a mother deliver a verbal letter to her stillborn son, and I so understand her emotions. She was very eloquent in her love. And today, again on the radio, I heard a gentleman talk about the Pakistani school massacre "The saddest thing in the world for a parent is to hold the body of their child in their arms". I could see it, I could feel Mia, I was touching her beautiful red curls. Such pain for all those parents who have now joined us, unknowingly, on this crappy path.

My dh after his counselling today told me that we are still grieving so differently. He is phrasing things a lot better these days! He did admit that he openly wallows in grief during the day and knows that I save my grief for the nighttime but didn't understand why. I told him that our boys esp Aubrey have seen so much pain and what they need is a normal happy childhood and not to see mummy in tears continuously, and I will do anything to provide them with that, even if it means putting my needs second, he has finally understood.......

I was a bit as I thought I was managing ok. He's just worried about me that's all. He wasn't unkind at all. He's just concerned. I guess I've probably been trying to fool myself that I'm ok. But I know that my brain doesn't function. He'd like me to see somebody. But I don't see how that would help. What would change? Paddy is gone.... and that's that. I don't want to take ADs again. It felt wrong. As if I wasn't missing him or grieving, and that I was unable to do so. It was ok for a while but not now.

Yesterday was ok the service for her was lovely it was just hard seeing her little white coffin just wanted to give her a big hug and tell her mummy would make it all better and it was all a bad dream
I love you so much my little princess Lily x

Princesstinx,I am so sorry you are going through this pain, sending you love and hugs xx

Princesstinx I'm thinking of you a lot. Sending love. Xxa

I saw this the other day and it really resonated so I thought I'd share it with you all.

As we draw nearer to the holidays, our hearts become filled with a sort of anxiety that we can't quite explain. Yes, we're so happy for this beautiful season of love and good cheer and renewal. But, we also carry such an empty spot in our hearts that spot that only our child can fill. We weep silently as our hearts ache for the child we want to hold in our arms. One of the most difficult things is "family picture" time we are so vividly reminded of the absence of our child. Life is never the same, and most certainly the holidays are never, ever the same when child loss has occurred. This is such a bittersweet time of the year for parents and families of child loss!"

Morning girls...sorry I haven't been around. DS4 (Tom) just got a 6 month old pup (Staff/Labrador cross). She is beautiful but very hard work as previous owners hadn't totally house trained her and I dont think she has ever been walked on a lead!!

The one good thing is that we are so busy with her we havent had time to dread Xmas!!

xxxx

Thinking of you all as Christmas day draws near.

Hi everybody. How're you doing? Thinking of you all and sending love and strength.

Morning girls xx Thinking of all of you and hoping your Christmas is bearable. I have a massive box of pin on smiles if anybody wants one - they all look like that!!! xxxxxx

Hi Ladies, just popping in to send you all love and hope you can find some peace during the next week. It is such a difficult time but it will all be over in a week or so. I have managed to p* off my in laws by refusing their invitation to join their happy gathering where my son will not be mentioned and so they said they would come to us for new years eve, but when I said that I still can't face all the midnight singing and whatnot they realised they had asked their daughter and family. Never mind they will get over it I will not put myself in situations I am not comfortable with ever again. Maybe I am a miserable old bag but that is how it is. I could do with a few pin on smiles Shabbs or maybe a bottle of gin will do the trick. xxx

I wondered how you deal with other members of the family's grief? I can't seem to cope at all, with my mum's, or in laws. It's so difficult. I can't face their pain aswell.

I'll take a smile please Shabbs. Good luck to us all at this time.

jenmac - thats a tough question to answer......because I am much further along this 'crappy path' I cant remember the early days of trying to cope with everybodys emotions. My parents showed massive grief and I think we hugged a lot but its sometimes very hard to put those feelings into words. My in-laws moaned about their own medical problems and I came close to telling them to f**k off - although I did do 'v signs' behind their backs when they were going home!!!

xxxxx

Well done lavandes for stating what you want with the ILs. Stick to your resolution and look after yourself.

jenmac - I find my own grief hard enough to cope with and can't cope with my parents'. The ILs ignore us and pretend nothing has happened on the very, very odd occasion we speak to them. They are oxygen thieves.

I will be lighting candles later this evening when I go and take flowers, a wreath and a Christmas tree to Paddy before Midnight Mass, and I will be lighting the candles and thinking of you all and your darling babies.

Wishing you all a peaceful and calm Christmas Day.

Hi Ladies

Thanks LilyI am nearing the 5th Christmas without Richard and to be honest it is easier as the years pass, but sometimes it is like the first. I cannot cope with normal happy christmas so I avoid it, it is all I can do to remain sane. I will not put myself in situations I know will upset me. I think that after the first horrific years of grief you need to look after yourself and only do what you know you can cope with. I think we can be selfish without guilt.
I light a candle every weekend for all our children. Hope you can find some peace during the next few days xxx

Wishing everybody on here a peaceful Christmas, your support has helped me immeasurably over the past months. Xxx

Thinking about you all this morning (as I do every morning) All quiet in my house - only me (and the pup) awake. Be kind to yourselves - just because the greetings cards say we should all be happy we have to take each moment of today 'as it comes'. Sending my love to all of you xxxx

I hope you each had time to remember all you cherish who have passed and you were also able to find joy in those around you on the day.

Morning girls xx

Well - somehow made it through the day. The weirdest, most unsettling, part was just the 3 of us. For the last 15 years my parents have always come to ours for their Xmas dinner. DB (otherwise known as pillock face) decided it would be in Mums interest to stay at the nursing home because they were having a big party. The guilt I felt was overwhelming.

Then I was sent a pic of Mum - yep he visited her Xmas day, took her presents and stayed a while. But didnt think to come out of his way and pick me up to visit my Mum.

Our Tom said 'Right Mum, you have to either argue it out with him - the way he is treating you is dreadful OR you have to stop moaning about him to all of us.' The wisdom of a 17 year old?? I know Tom is right but it made me very sad and made me realise just how much I go on!!

I hope you all 'made it out of the other side' of Christmas day - I have always thought it a very sad day for millions.

My love and thoughts to each and every one of you xxx

Oh shabbs. Your brother (Not "D") is indeed pillock face. How thoughtless. Tom is right but sometimes it's easier just to roll with things and avoid confrontation. I know I need to speak to my Dad about something that has made me very angry, but I just can't face it. I don't want to talk to him.

We made it through the day and spent it with my very "D"Cuz and her husband and little boy. They are wonderfully kind and hospitable. Always such a support. We're lucky to have them in our lives.

We went to the churchyard on Christmas Eve and lit candles to burn through the night, and a little Christmas tree with lights and left beautiful flowers and a wreath that I'd made. It was so sad, but it looked really lovely. Isn't it hideous that making a grave look pretty is the best we can do. We went to Midnight Mass and I was ok (well, stood up and survived) until the mother of the boy Paddy was out with the night he died came and greeted us after she'd been to Communion. That just finished me off. I didn't want to see her or talk to her. I can't explain why. I know her son is the most lovely young man and I truly don't blame him in any way at all, but I just don't want to see her. It's irrational. She's got her son and I don't have one of mine. I know there's no rhyme or reason, but it's the way I felt. We left almost immediately and didn't talk to anybody. I can't sing any more.

Sorry.... that was long and rambling.

I really wanted to say that I thought of you all when we lit the candles beside Paddy. I cried for him and for all your darling children.

I hope you had a peaceful and calm day.

Lily, the flowers are beautiful and that wreath you made is spectacular.

I've been sat here for an hour trying to think what to say to you all but nothing I type seems right. Just wanted to let you know that I've thought of each and every one of you over this festive season and that I hope it's been peaceful for you all. Xx