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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

973 replies

shabbs · 13/04/2014 13:49

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

OP posts:
Neverending2012 · 10/12/2014 23:03

Don't really know where to start... I feel my Mil and Bil let us down hugely during my son's last 24 hours, ignoring requests for help, needs of my children when we needed help. I'm so hurt by it. I haven't said anything. They spent a year claiming to want to be helpful and when it came down to it they did nothing. Now they want to talk about furniture/ inane things that don't matter/ interior decoration and my sil texted asking if I wanted to go for a drink like nothing's happened when my son died 6 weeks ago, he went into hospital for months a year to the day pretty much, we're coming up to his 2nd birthday and it's christmas....... they were distant when times were really bad but now my ds is gone, they act like it never happened.. Sorry ranting.. Hoping someone will come along soon.

shabbadabbadingdong · 11/12/2014 00:16

You are not ranting love.....people often offer help but they dont realise just how much help is needed and also dont recognise the loss and just how bloody great that loss is. You dont have to talk to them love - you really dont......just say 'Im not ready to talk about shite - but, I would love to talk about my child and how sad I am and how your stupid chatter is getting right on my 'bits!!'

I have to go to bed but didnt want you to think I was ignoring your post.

Talk more tomorrow? Just keep posting if it helps - promise that I will come back in the morning and see if I can help.

xxxx

LilyTheSavage · 11/12/2014 08:07

Neverending I'm so sorry about the ILs. They are just shiteful oxygen thieves. My ILs don't bother mentioning Paddy, they don't ask how my DH (their son) is doing or our other two DSs. They ignored me at the funeral and didn't speak to anybody else, they ignored his first anniversary and they expect us to behave as if he's never existed.

I understand just how hurtful and enraging this behaviour is. I am trying to cut them out of my life completely. I am ignoring birthdays and Christmas as well as far as they're concerned.

Try to look after yourself and your own family. Shabbs (as always) gives good advice as well I'm not nice enough to just do that and follow her advice as I just want to obliterate them.... how fucking dare they!!!

Hope you're ok today (whatever ok is).

jenmac22 · 11/12/2014 11:15

Neverending, I am sorry about your family's inability to empathise even slightly, I agree with Lily actually. There are not many in my family and friends that mention my son at all, I could probably count on one hand. It is so very hurtful, and makes me so mad, and yes they have the cheek to sigh or wonder why I don't want to socialise, shits. My son died on the 23rd December 2012, he went missing on the 21st.He is and remains our shining light. I am dying inside, and even my own mum, who is brilliant, asked me last night why my eyes looked so heavy.......................

Neverending2012 · 11/12/2014 22:37

Thank you for listening. Part of me wants to tell them just how s* they are. But its wasted energy. Thank you all for making me feel a bit better. I think its my disappointment with people.

Mojito100 · 12/12/2014 23:30

Morning.

Neverending2012 · 12/12/2014 23:44

Hello

Neverending2012 · 12/12/2014 23:45

How's today?

shabbadabbadingdong · 13/12/2014 16:06

Hiya girls xx

Its trying very hard to snow up here in Lancashire!!!

Hope everybody is OK xxx

LilyTheSavage · 13/12/2014 18:28

Not a hint of snow in Brittany. In fact it's been glorious today. Cold, bright and sunny and I got lots done in the garden. It doesn't feel at all Christmassy here which is probably a good thing.

Everything is so bitter sweet.

Thinking especially of LousterTheRooster and her family tonight and sending lots of love.

LilyTheSavage · 14/12/2014 08:19

Feel very heavy hearted today and am thinking especially of Louis who's first anniversary is today and Dave who's anniversary is coming up. Thinking of their mums and families. So hard.

princesstinx · 14/12/2014 13:03

It's a month tomorrow I miss my daughter so much would do anything to have her back :(

Mojito100 · 14/12/2014 16:11

To all of you having anniversaries of the passing of your loved ones my thoughts are with you whether they be an annual anniversary or just another point in time passing that you recognise.

Take care of yourself and don't forget to talk about them.

shabbadabbadingdong · 16/12/2014 12:30

Hiya girls xx

Hope you are all OK - Im just 'treading water and pinning on a smile.'

My love and thoughts are with all of you xx

princesstinx · 16/12/2014 13:28

My little princesses funeral tomorrow so feeling awful hope everyone else is doing well x

LilyTheSavage · 16/12/2014 15:15

What a hideous day to have to go through princess. We've been there. Just keep breathing. Sending you love and strength.

Hope you're all ok. How're the masks looking today? I'm keeping so busy in the garden that I don't have time to think. Had a very wobbly moment up the scaffolding when I looked down and thought about how far my DS2 had fallen. Just cried and had to go back down before the builders saw me. How can these things just trigger thoughts.

Neverending2012 · 16/12/2014 21:24

Coming up to what would've been my boy's 2nd birthday on Thursday. Too hard. Looked at some photos just now and it's just all so sad.

Princesstinx, thinking of you so much, it was only 6 weeks ago for us too. Be strong xx

Annaelisabeth · 16/12/2014 21:24

Neverending I'm so sorry about your inlaws. That's terrible that they offered to help and then decided not to when it came down to it. If you can, I'd suggest not seeing them for a while. If you don't feel you want to tell them how you feel in person maybe you can do something in writing? Or maybe a relative or a friend you trust could have a word with them? When my mother in law was being an absolute nightmare when our son died, I wish I'd just told her to go away. I just didn't have the courage or energy but I know it would have been better for us not having her there just as we were beginning to understand we really had lost our son. She came again to visit a little while ago and I asked my husband to speak to her about certain things before she arrived and when she came I spoke to her as well. She still behaved very inappropriately and when she left a little over a week ago I can't tell you how relieved I felt. To give you a few examples, she felt it was ok to comment on my baby weight the day after our son died, and when she was here more recently she started comparing my grieving side-effects (such as forgetfulness and absentmindedness) to someone who'd retired too early in life and suggested I "get myself together". I know what your ILs did was a more serious abandonment at a time when you really needed them but I still wanted to say something and to let you know you're not alone.

Princess, my heart goes out to you. I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

I'm seeing my boss tomorrow morning to talk about my return to work in January. Feeling nauseous just thinking about it, but it is time. I'm hoping to be able to do part time and/or work some days every week from home.

Xxa

Mojito100 · 17/12/2014 12:43

Flowers to you all. Thinking of you princess. Good luck with your work annaelisabeth - it's hard to go back to work.

MrPop · 17/12/2014 12:51

Hello I am sad to see so many new faces here. (btw Lily I am not a new face but I NC from heavenly).

Princess thinking of you and your daughter today. I hope the love and support from friends and family get you through. And honouring your little DD.

Neverending and Anna sorry you have not had support from those closest to you and your children. Things like that give me the rage - I don't understand how people can be so unempathetic.

Rant alert - just received a card from DH's aunt, in it she comments that 'all is history' and we have to 'move on'. My DS is NOT history and I do not have to MOVE ON. I feel like calling her and shouting at her - and this from a lady who lost 2 husbands, so I would have thought she would know how unhelpful people prescribing advice is.

Neverending2012 · 17/12/2014 18:45

Hi everyone, thanks for your support, it does really help to find a place people understand. Tomorrow would've been my son's second birthday. It's another hurdle we'll get through I guess. Love never fades.

Neverending2012 · 17/12/2014 18:47

Princess how was today? Thinking of you. Xx

cathpip · 17/12/2014 19:44

Princess, I hope today went as well as can be expected and that you are resting up. Thinking of you all. Xx

LilyTheSavage · 17/12/2014 22:33

Hey MrPop. Nice to see you checking in. Hope you're ok.

Princess - I thought of you today and hope you managed to get through ok.

Neverending and Anna - some people are just shiteful and are oxygen thieves. Cut them out of your life like I've tried to, shame it's my DH's family

Thinking of you all and finding that I'm struggling. I thought I was managing but my DH told me tonight that he doesn't think I am.

shabbadabbadingdong · 17/12/2014 23:27

Hiya girls. Lily when my DH says things like that it drives me mad....I want to scream, shout and smash things. BUT I dont sometimes it is very hard to talk about emotions with close loved ones.

xxxxxxxx

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