Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Morning girls xx

Morning Shabbs, I hope you're having a good Friday. Xx

Morning everyone. A bit tetchy here at the moment but compared to other years managing much better which I think is due to the anti-d's. Hope you are all managing as best you can.

Morning everybody.

Oh my word I dont like this time of the year. All the forced happiness on telly adverts telling us how we NEEEED all the products they are advertising.

This will be a very different Xmas. My parents have come to us for their Xmas lunch for the past 15 years. Last year my two sons, my grandson and myself took their lunch down to them...Dad was too poorly to come up to us. Made Mum a full Xmas lunch and made a broth for Dad with all the Xmas veg and tiny bits of turkey chopped up in it. He ate a massive dish full but Mum forgot we had taken her lunch!

So this year......it will be me, DH and Tom. Mum has had to move nursing homes to a secure unit - she likes wandering around and they say they are providing Xmas lunch for everybody and dont recommend that we bring her to ours.....the new nursing home is 20 miles away and we dont drive and simply cannot afford taxi fares. She is settling down really well there and loves it.

Just for one day for us all to be together....just for one more Xmas lunch....

Feel very down tonight and hope that everybody is OK on our thread. xxxx

Aw Shabbs. I don't have any words of wisdom or otherwise, but I just want to send you a big hug and a hand to hold. I'd send you but it'd probably spill. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you. Wish I could wave a magic wand for us all.

I went Christmas shopping today and braved the crowds. After only an hour I was feeling really overwhelmed with all the enforced jollity and frenetic spending/buying and I hadn't really achieved very much. I was on my way back to the car when I happened to bump into a dear friend. I had just been thinking about her and so was amazed at the coincidence. If we'd been a few metres or seconds different we wouldn't have seen each other. It made my day so much better.

This time of year is even more difficult for us. People expect us to be "over it" and get on with things. I have moments where I'm sort of ok, but then just something or nothing triggers the blackness and overwhelming-ness.

Is it normal to be really tired when grieving? It's only been a month. It's a lonely time.

Hello Neverending. I don't think I've seen you on this thread before. I'm sorry you've needed to find us. Grieving is exhausting. I sometimes think that I've been scarred and will never be the same again. I can put on a good act for a little while (sometimes) but drop back after a while. It can be very lonely I think but I think I'm lucky and have a very lovely DH and dear friends who are a great comfort. They let me be who I am.

Hi everybody else. Hope you got some sleep and are feeling calm.

How are you doing today shabbs?

Hiya girls xx

Im sat on my lardy bum messing about on the internet Im a bit better today thanks xx

Neverending I just found this poem that, for me, says it all.....

FALLING APART

I seem to be falling apart
My attention span can be measured in seconds.
My patience in minutes, and I cry at the drop of a hat.
I forget things constantly,
The morning toast burns daily.
I forget to sign the cheques.
Half of everything in the house is misplaced.

Anxiety and restlessness are my constant companions
Rainy days seem extra dreary.
Sunny days seem an outrage.
Other people's pain and frustration seem insignificant.
Laughing, happy people seem out of place in my world.
It has become routine to feel half crazy.
I am normal, I am told....
I am a newly grieving person.

Hello all,

Neverending I know what you mean. The tiredness is overwhelming. I still feel exhausted after trying to socialize or being "normal" for any amount of time. I try to spend as much time in the company of family and friends who will let me be myself and that helps but a lot of the time that makes me want to go to bed too.

Shabbs, that's spot on, exactly how I feel most of the time.

Thinking of you all.

Xxa

It's the emptiness that gets me. It's like you go through the motions of doing stuff but not really taking part. What I'd do to hold my boy one last time.

Morning all. Sending my thoughts to you all in the lead up to Christmas. It is hard on so many different levels and in so many different ways.

On another note my DS2 made it through the whole term without being suspended. The first time ever in his life so a minor miracle has occurred and I need nothing more from Santa this year. I can't tell you the weight that has been lifted off my shoulders.

Now I can take some time for myself to remember my beautiful DD and all she was without having some of those other worries filling my head.

Morning girls xx

Frost glistening everywhere outside....freezing cold!! Just been to our corner shop for a newspaper....Winters coat on, Man City scarf proudly round my neck Got back in and realised I had not combed my hair!!! My hair has a life of its own - its crazy!!! LOL

Hope everyone is OK this morning - whatever the hell OK is. xxxxx

The Christmas lead up is hard. Overwhelming. Necessary to go through the motions for the sake of my other boys. How can I let them think that their existence is less important than Paddy's absence. They are the reason I carry on.

Hurrah Mojito for DS2 making it through the term. Big celebration.

Shabbs - you sound brighter today (and very poetic).

Sending hugs to you all

Morning girls xx

Good morning ladies. It's been a while since I've posted here, although I have a look every day. The past couple of months have been extremely low and I've found little energy to do anything. In 9 days it will be one year since Louis died and I can't breathe thinking about it. School have planned a day of mental health and well being for the 14th and they will also plant a tree and unveil a plaque in Louis' memory. It's going to be a hard day. They have also asked both primary and secondary students to come in non-uniform but to wear a flash of orange in memory of my lovely son (his favourite colour).

Christmas ... . Louis' funeral was held two days before Christmas last year and so the day itself was just very numb. This year it is going to be very raw. Today we would normally have held our annual Christmas Cookie Exchange for all our friends and their children, it's always been the start of Christmas for many. This year I'm struggling to find the motivation to even get the Christmas tree down! Hubby has gone to Dubai until tomorrow to watch the Rugby 7s which leaves me alone in the house with my younger two which, although lovely and sunny during the daytime, scares me as nighttime draws in. My eldest son will be here later on though and I have a bottle of wine to keep me occupied

I really just wanted to say hello and to let the ladies on here know that I do think about you all often. We're all going through our own struggles and even though I rarely post, it doesn't mean I don't think of you often. Best wishes xx

Dear ladies, I am sorry to intrude on your special thread but I just noticed this thread where the OP has lost her daughter. I have directed her to you.

Thinking of you as Christmas approaches and hoping that you have a peaceful time .

Afternoon girls xx

Have read through the thread Monteserrat - I hope she comes to find us or even just reads through the thread.....very sad news - also would not go back to the 'early days' of loss - not even for a million pounds xx

hello all. I've just written on that thread mentioned below. MrMia was wondering why I was typing on my phone in bed, and I explained. "Poor, poor lady" he said, "I don't understand how this can happen." Yep.

We are doing Christmas with my family this year, and it means I will take stockings for both Mia and Finn. Even if it breaks my heart to see how empty her stocking is on Christmas Day.

Morning all. Louster, thanks for checking in and I wish things could be different for you at this time. It's good to hear from you all when you are able.

Hi, this is the first Christmas since our first child died. The Christmas overload has been too much sometimes. We even had to justify to some 'close' family members why we aren't celebrating Christmas this year. Some have chosen to ignore this already. I've been as calm and understanding as I can be with those who can't understand. I recognise my patience is wearing very thin though. Our second child is due in February, she isn't affected by our decision not to celebrate Christmas this year! I'm sick of being given 'advice' from people who've never lost a child or had professional experience of this kind of bereavement.

for you hot. Do what feels right for you and if you can allow, them to do what feels right for them. It is hard for some who haven't experienced what we have to understand.

The only way I manage it is to accept that I was no doubt like them prior to my loss and it wasn't because I didn't care just because I didn't underdtand. Some days I have more patience than others so it doesn't always work b

Morning girls. xx

Put our tree up last night......have realised this is the first Xmas that my youngest son, Tom, will not have his grandad here on the day....losing my Dad is Toms first bereavement. He feels it so much.

So myself and DH gave Tom the job of decorating the tree - he loved doing it....and he has done an amazing job. Its made me exhausted though - you know the fake laughter and singing Xmas songs?

Welcome Hol3005 - glad you found us but, as always, so sorry you had to. xxxxx

Hello, and welcome to Hol though echoing the other posters in wishing you didn't have to be here. Yes, unsolicited advice and lack of understanding and empathy is totally unhelpful. It makes me quite angry, you are doing well to remain calm. Congratulations on your pregnancy - I hope you don't mind me saying that; I too have had a child since DS2 died and found it quite hard to accept congratulations and positivity from people.

We have also done the tree, for DS1 really. I feel like I am gritting my teeth and will continue to do so until January. I can understand the exhaustion Shabbs.

Will be thinking of you all, and all our children, as Christmas draws near xx

Just lurking mainly.

Hello pop. Very sorry you're here, but welcome. Some people are shiteful and just don't get it and on the other hand others are just pure gold. Keep breathing and be gentle with yourself.

Loving your name change shabbadabbadingdong