Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Welcome Anna and others it is a group that I'm sure we would all love to have no members to or be a part of. Unfortunately it isn't the case. I joined a little under 12 months ago and have found every one so supportive of each other and welcoming of all who wish to join.

I'm sorry you have suffered the loss you have and hope you find some comfort on here as I have.

Shabbs - I'm not surprised you needed a quiet drink or two. Clearing out your parents house with dad only recently departed would bring so many emotions yo the surface. I hope you found good care for your mum.

Mouse - well done you. I shall cheer you on. A great cause you are supporting.

To all others taking a break or quietly trying to get through .

Thanks so much for the warm welcome Mojito! Feeling a bunch of mixed stuff today trying to get my head into thinking of Christmas. We have a little girl who is just over 2,5 and is just now starting to understand the excitement and fun that goes with it. I've always, always been one of those people who just LOVE Christmas but now I don't know how to even start. How are you guys handling it? We have been talking about starting a family tradition in honor of our son, like going somewhere special to light a candle.

Shabbs, we did have a name for our son picked and it was the awesomest cutest name ever. I'm so sad it won't belong to a living breathing little kid.

Lots of love, a.

10 years ago today my lovely dad died. He was diagnosed with cancer in the March and died just 8 months later.
Dad died on ds1' s 13th birthday. So today ds is 23 - a bittersweet day all round really.

I miss my dad so much.

Hello everyone not been on here for a long long time, just trying to plod on. The boys keep me busy thankfully but sometimes I'd just like not to get out the bed and face the day.

So sorry for your loss Anna, I know exactly what you mean about the name not being used on a living breathing kid. I feel the very same about my Dexter, I loved his name ever so much, and now people are afraid to even breathe it for fear of upsetting me :(

Hope everyone is managing as best as they can xx

Welcome Anna, even though I wish you didn't have to join us. It's our first Christmas without Pippa. We are going to a local church service called light for a life, it's a special service for people to remember family and friends that have passed, you get to light a candle and have a star named and put on the tree, we have a lot of friends joining us. How about a Santa train? For your dd.

Thank you My5boysandme for your support and for sharing your thoughts. Dexter is such a cool name! My husband made a beautiful tattoo of our sons name on his chest so I'm lucky to still get to see it every day.

Cathpip, thanks for the ideas! What is a Santa Train (please forgive my ignorance)? Going to a church to light a candle sounds beautiful. My husband and I aren't very religious but we have thought of doing that anyway but think we're leaning toward an outdoorsy event. Sounds really nice to have friends come along, I think we might invite some of ours to join us.

hello all, and hello to AnnaElizabeth. Your little boy with the amazingly cute name sounds so beautiful. You asked about Christmas traditions - we have a little maple leaf stamp we put in our Christmas cards, and I still put up Mia's stocking. Last year, the family put in lovely notes to her in it. There is also the global Wave of Light on Dec 14th, where lots of people light candles at 7pm local time, all around the world.

shabbs tough times, lovely. Sending you big hugs as you go through memories of childhood, and imaginings of what should be. How incredibly challenging. Sending your own advice back - be gentle on yourself. I know you are always so strong for so many, with your basket of pin-on smiles.

mouse how did it go today? It must have been emotional, but I bet you kept on going, regardless. It's what we do, isn't it? Well done, you amazing lady.

Last night I went to our local Bereaved Parents' group, a support network, which alongside this thread, has helped me enormously. We had some people from another network in north London, and it was somehow consoling to hear how a different set of people had a very similar, accepting, 'safe haven' dynamic like we have. And shabbs I shared your lovely words One breath at a time, one step at a time. Our group leader read a beautiful poem, about the solidarity of grief in missing our children, so I will find it and post here, as it really resonates with the way we support each other here.

chipmonkey you've changed back to your name, hello!! And hello to mojito, lily, myFive, cathpip, MrPop, NeverEnding, SScott and everyone else I have inadvertently missed.

I think it almost gets harder... Maybe it's the first few weeks..what I would do for a few more hours with my boy.

Hi Mia, thanks so much for your compassion and support. I thought the Global wave of light was on October 15th? Anyhow, we light a candle at home for our little boy every now and then. Xxa

Morning girls xx

I am 32 years down the road since my twin baby boy died and 22 years down the road since my Matt was killed.

I can truly promise all of you that, with time, 'it' does get better. I can think of my sons with laughter and smiles but every now and then it does still 'punch me in the stomach' and it gets too much.

There are also times when I sit and sob for all the 'what could have beens' if that makes any sense? I wouldn't go back to the early days of grieving for my sons if I was offered a million pounds.

As I have always said on this thread - 'United we stand, divided we fall' xxx

You're so right Shabbs. Just knowing you and others on here have lived to see brighter days helps a lot. I hope this feeling softens eventually. So sensitive to everything and get upset over stupid little things when I should really just try to be grateful for all the good things in my life. Easier said than done. I just want to dig a hole and hide in it. Xxa

Hi ladies. I've been lurking for a while as not had a lot to say, but i've been keeping up with everything. I was doing ok, until a friend announced she's pregnant on facebook this morning. Of course i'm happy for her and her partner- it's just disheartening that nearly 8 months after Ben my rainbow isn't on the way. Sorry for the wallowing post

Sending love to all of you xx

May I just echo Shabbs? I am three years and one month tonight down this crappy path. I miss Mia everyday, sometimes with tears, sometimes not. A silly yet significant example - I remember thinking I would have to wear waterproof mascara every day for the rest of my life, so it was a big step when I realised that was no longer true. I am changed, forever, but I carry Mia safe in my heart.

And please know that whatever you feel, whatever you do, as you grieve, is right. Everyone has their own way, their own timeline, their own challenges. So if it's burying yourself in bed, crying in a shop, or dancing in the rain, do it.

Hi everybody. I'm back in the land of internet. I've missed you. I've been in a country where I spent a lot of time with Paddy and it's been tough being hit with a whole lot of fresh new memories and reminders of him.

Hello Anna. I'm so sorry about your baby. His name is very cute.

Hi Shabbs. Hope you're ok with sorting everything out and that your family are being helpful and supportive. It's a lot to do on your own. Sometimes a good stiff drink is the answer.

Hi Mia's, Mojito, Kayleigh, Cathpip and Mouseface. Hope you're all ok.

It's horribly early here and I've got a long day ahead on planes and I've had a fantastic holiday but I'll be glad to get back to my own space.

Mouse how did your run / walk (?) go? Well done for doing it.

Anna hello and I am so sorry to hear about your little boy. I can understand being in disbelief - this is something I feel still too. I wonder if that feeling can ever completely go away as it is so wrong to lose your child. He sounds beautiful from your description.

Neverending hello also - would you like to tell us about your boy? My DS would also have been 2 in Dec. You said that he has only been gone 3 weeks, please post again if you feel it would be helpful - or feel free to lurk as I often do.

Kayleigh I don't think you are wallowing. It is hard when other people's lives carry on (even though of course we wouldn't want otherwise). I have been knocked down emotionally by friends announcing second pregnancies and also a close friend having a little boy.

Sorry not to name check everyone but hello to you all and thinking of you all as we head towards Christmas.

Thanks for your words from further down the path Shabbs and Mias - at the moment I cannot believe I have lived without my DS for almost a year, it does not seem possible. And I don't want to get further and further away from when he lived if you see what I mean?

Morning all

Morning girls xx

I know exactly what you mean MrPop about getting further away from when your DS lived. My DS3 is now the age DS2 was when he died and it's confusing sometimes in my head that he's been "overtaken" by his younger brother. I don't know how it's possible to carry on sometimes.

I see photos of DS2's lovely friends graduating, going to parties, going on holidays and just carrying on living, and it seems scarcely possible that the world just carries on regardless.

Hi everyone,

We had a little dinner party last night to say thanks to a few friends who really have been there for us through these first months. It was the first time we "entertained" since our son died. It felt ok.

Mia, the mascara example is so great. I've noticed the tiny changes and they give me hope.

My new approach is I will just go with this grief and let flow where it wants to. I think I tried to control it which is as you all know a useless effort anyway. It just made it worse. Being in denial and disbelief I feel isn't something I will try to fight anymore either.

Thanks MrPop for your comments, I think reading them and being part of this thread altogether has finally let me surrender and allow myself to grieve in my own way.

I'm seeing a new therapist today.

My little boy I will love you always.

Xxa

God I'm exhausted. It was my birthday yesterday and my eldest Aubrey was 6 today, even he missed Pippa helping him open his presents. Dh took both days off work which was needed as I was dreading the past two days. I have however been finding it easier to tell strangers about Pippa dying, esp when they ask about how many dc I have, I also seem to have developed a new talent for making random people cry......
Hello to everybody, I hope you are all well!

Morning girls.

A grey, mild, wet day here in Lancashire....kind of fits my mood today!! xx

Happy Birthday cathpip. I hope you managed to have a moment of hope and light.

That dreaded question "how many children do you have?" is a shocker. My DS had only been gone for four months and we were at the house of a dear friend and another guest asked us that very question. I couldn't speak, but my DH replied "We had three sons, but now have two". The other guest was very sympathetic and somehow found the right words (he is a GP) luckily. I have used those words myself since then on several occasions and it works for me.

I always say I have had four sons.....then depending on my mood, or if I like the person...I will explain further. xx

for cathpip. Hello to all others.

Tis the same in North Yorkshire shabbs. I have given up on housework, am not in the mood. Elliott however is insisting on a cuddly day, that I can do!