Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Triumph - sending more hugs and my thoughts and love your way. This time is so tough and I agree with Shabbs that the lead up and sometimes after the event can be more harrowing than the day itself. No matter what it is mentally and emotionally draining and I hope you find some time for yourself. I'm sure you have the mask on at the moment but don't hesitate to put it down for awhile and just let the emotions flow.

XXX

Happy birthday to your daughter Triumph, did you do anything to Mark the occasion? I understand that each person feels differently about 'celebrating' birthdays. I was dreading Louis' but we went to his favourite restaurant, had a few of his best friends and their families over for a bit of a party and my children opened Louis' Christmas presents that had been sat there, wrapped up, for 5 months. It was extremely emotional but it was also a nice day. I also baked a cake (they're always crap but it's something I've done every year). My friend, whose daughter died 22 years ago, still bakes her a cake every year on her birthday. They are both things that I want to keep doing so we will buy Louis a Christmas present again this year for the children to open in May. And the obligatory crap cake will be baked!

Mojito, I understand exactly how you feel. I'm sure none of us want to feel like this. It's something that has been forced upon us, it should never have been this way. I often tell my husband that I don't want to live a long life. I feel that I am just existing, I'm not living. I do live each day for my remaining children, I DO want to see them grow and live their lives, I DO want to see them settled and happy but I also want so much to be with Louis. It doesn't make me proud to feel this way, I should want to be here forever but I don't. I often feel that I'm trapped and it's so frustrating. Be with Louis or be with my children that are alive and healthy. I'm here and I'm here for them, that's what matters at the moment but, like you say, if someone told me I was going to die tomorrow I wouldn't feel sad. This grief is all consuming. I feel that I'm a terrible mother. I have 3 beautiful, gorgeous children here. They will never reach an age where it's ok for their mum to die yet I find myself thinking - just let my daughter, my youngest, reach university age, it will be easier for all of them to deal with the death of a parent then. But it won't. I'm not sure how long I can survive without Louis, I love them all equally but this life I have is so much harder without him.

P.s.. I'm not going to do anything, just survive. But I do understand how you feel.

Louster - I so agree. I won't do anything either and will stay with my boys for as long as possible but also want to be with my DD. Living for my boys is important no matter what age they are but missing the beautiful child that has passed tears you apart.

It's so hard to get that balance between allowing yourself to grieve and mourn for your lost child, and not allowing your other children to think that they are less important than the one who isn't there. Caught right between a rock and a hard place.

I'm so tired. Just so tired.

That lethargy is so hard to wade through lily. Take it slow.

Morning girls xx

Oh the exhaustion of grief....its overwhelming isin't it? Then you go to bed and either lay awake for hours or go into an instant deep sleep for a couple of hours. Missing my Dad so much today....it feels like it is getting worse with every hour....but sadly I know thats what early grief does. Have gutted my living room and just finished re-arranging everything and cleaning everything!!! Thats also what I do when I am sad xxxx

Hope everyone is OK.

Thinking of you Shabbs and so pleased you are keeping your memory of your dad alive on here.

Hi girls.
Still feeling exhausted, but my parents have gone today after visiting for a week. It's really lovely having them here but I feel I have to/want to put on a brave face for them. It's so tiring. Early bed I think.
I'm sorry you're missing your dad shabbs, but it's not surprising.

I think of you all so often and value the support and love on here.

Morning girls xx

Cold, grey and raining up here in Lancashire. Have missed some Greek sunshine on my face this Summer......really hate the Winter.

It's horrible here in my part of Lancashire too shabbs, i detest the colder months x

Sorry girls, but it's gorgeous and sunny here in Brittany (but cold at nights and first thing in the morning). I'm wearing a thin cotton dress and sandals.

Do you all hate me now?

Lily it's brightened up here, which would have been fine had i not been wrapped up for winter when the sun came out- boil in the bag anyone??

Beautiful sunshine all day here in glorious North Yorkshire :).

Morning girls. xx

Tom has had a hair cut!!! He grew his hair so long, down to his shoulder blades....the bottom half was wild and curly - I loved it! Couple of days ago he decided he was having it cut. He now has short hair with a 'Tin Tin' kind of fringe - sticking up. He looks much more grown up and it really suits him....he has lovely eyes - kind of greeney grey (same eyes as Matt).

He stood in front of the mirror experimenting with hair gel I glanced at his reflection and there, in front of my eyes, was Matt!!!!! Tom has a more round face than Matt but it made my heart jump. There was 17 yr old Matt grinning that amazing grin.

All that I have just written sounds mentally insane but I know that you will all understand me!!!

I honestly know he is not Matt but it is wonderful to look at him and smile... xxxx

shabbs i know just what you mean. When Ben was born he looked just like our older son Brian did at birth, i suppose in a strange way i will always look at Brian as he grows and wonder if Ben would have continued to look similar xx

I wish it was winter here! It's still 40+ degrees with 50(ish)% humidity. I can't wait to be able to put my jeans and boots on, probably another 2 or more months away. I said to my 7 year old daughter the other day - 'oh, it's the first day of Autumn today' and she said - 'what's Autumn?' ... We moved here when she was 11 months old and we only have two seasons. Summer and Winter. Made me feel a bit sad but made me laugh ??

Today I am sorting out Louis' bedroom. About 2 months before he died he moved into the downstairs, spare bedroom so that he could get internet connection. We have decided that we will turn it into Louis' games room and make it how he would have loved it with his posters on the walls, gaming chair in prime position and the games consoles lined up. I really had no idea how difficult I would find it. I go into his room fairly often but it's normally to sit on his bed, smell his pillows etc. But today, I'm packing up and moving his stuff (to my bedroom where I will still sit and smell his pillows). It's knocked me for six and I can't stop shaking (plus it will take forever as every item of clothing I fold, I hold to my face for a whiff) I'm going to keep the essence of Louis in there, I don't want to move him out of there but I want his friends to be able to come over and sit in the chair where Louis used to sit and to play the games that Louis loved to play so much. I've had to come out for a smoke and a glass of wine (any excuse )

Shabbs, all of my boys like their hair long. Louis had his cut not long before he died and it went really quite curly. In fact, my eldest son Frank joked about his 'Brillo pad hair' in his speech at Louis' funeral. He would have found that funny.

Hope everyone is having an alright day xx

We have the dreaded task of sorting Pippas room, we move house in two weeks and I'm struggling with the idea of sorting clothes and possessions. louster we also have a number of Pips toys out for children to play with. Elliott continues to grow and is still the image of Pippa, he will be 6 months next week, gosh she will have been gone for nearly 6 months, it feels like yesterday but also an eternity. Aubrey drew a family picture in the week and placed Pippa in the sky because "that's were heaven is mummy". He is also still insistent on a bunk bed for his birthday as "then Elliott can sleep in my room and I can look after him overnight so he will not die". I'm so tired emotionally and physically, falling asleep is never a problem, staying asleep however is a different matter....
Someone asked me yesterday that if I could have pips back for one day would I, I said no as the pain of knowing what was coming would be to much to bare, I'm not sure they understood what I meant, I don't know if I do either.

Hello, may I join you?

Today is the nine year anniversary we said goodbye to our triplet boys, Charlie, Harry and George.

We didn't get to 'meet' our boys, we saw them wriggling around lots but I kind of feel as if that's not quiet the same, I didn't get to complete my job, and they didn't get to be held in our arms, we didn't get to smell their warm scalps, hold their tiny fingers.

I was around 16+5 weeks gestation when we found out that they had no heartbeats, some of you will know my story, but I had a very complicated pregnancy and damaged kidneys so they removed the boys surgically. They said that it would be safer for me that way, I was huge by then and to be honest, I felt it would be better to go to sleep and wake up with it all over, except of course it wouldn't be, would it?

I cried all the time that I was waiting for my operation, the nurses and midwives were utterly amazing. So very kind. They kept me away from the maternity ward, clinics and I didn't see a single pregnant woman, even though the department was close to where I was. Their kindness was very much appreciated.

We have a Christmas tree in the garden, that has lights on for the boys each year, and three little ribbons on all year round. Three little kisses. I think about them all of the time..... as you all must do too.

"Time is a great healer". Well, it's been 9 years and I'm certainly not healed, I feel a little less guilty, but not when I think about school, them growing, going out into the big bad world.... just as we all do, day in, day out...

"Everything happens for a reason" - now that was a phrase I banned for a while. Although I know that it does, I really didn't need to hear it. If they had been ill and we'd lost them that way, then we'd have a reason.

We didn't. The Consultant said that they'd happily try to find a reason for the loss of heartbeats, but at the time, I couldn't bear to hear any details....

So, today, I'd like to send a HUGE hug, kiss and cuddles to our boys, Charlie, Harry and George who will always be missed, even though we can only guess how they'd have grown over the days, months and years.

Thank you for reading xxx

(sorry for any typos, it's a bit dusty in here!)

Mouse I remember hearing your story.....nine years? Oh my word I didn't realise it was that long. So sorry you have come to find us but I am glad you have done. We all try to help each other as much as we can.

Sending my families love to your family xxxxx

Thanks Shabbs :)

I remember you and your posts..... I remember far too many of the posters on here, but pulling together, talking about how YOU are feeling, yes, being a little or a lot selfish AND being supportive away from those who know us in RL sometimes is what heals us. Knowing that you're far from alone... but you have a hand waiting to hold yours at any time, that helps.

In the early days, I would walk around in silence, rubbing my empty womb, begging for the swelling to go away, to leave me, knowing it was barren, for all of the wrong reasons.

cathpip - If you could have Pips back for one day, just 24 whole hours, I believe that it would crush the deepest part of your heart to pieces, knowing that you would never, ever have that time over again.

But that's now, almost 6 months on. In time, that may change. I'm saying what I said because that is how I felt...... I'd have been crushed. Destroyed and completely torn apart.

For me, if I could meet the boys now, see how they'd changed, have them, hold them for 24 hours - because I do believe that time moves on after they leave our life here - I'd drive them mad asking what they'd been up to, how school was, did they have friends, were they worried about senior school, girls, were they looking after each other.....the practical shit. :)

When in reality, all I would really want to do would be to find the biggest bed, climb into with them, hold the three of them so tight and tell them all about how much DH and I miss them.

I'd have moments of silence with them, moments of chatter and talk about Nemo and all of his complications, maybe he has them as a punishment for me/us losing them?

All about their big sister and where we lived, the sun on my face today as I walked to their tree to tell them I loved them....

Odd things.

I think you're utterly amazing, all of you for even putting one foot in front of the other some days. Life is hard, loss is harder still.

Goodnight darling posters.Nemo is asleep and I am on my way to bed also.

Mouse xxx

Is now feeling very guilty mouse. I have been so swept up in me that I had completely forgotten about the date and the boys, I am so so sorry. Sending big hugs to everyone, love you lots.xx

Aw. I wish this thread had been around last year.

Just want to speak about my son. I can't in real life, people don't understand, they feel uncomfortable and change the subject. Even my dp, baby's dad says its happened now. There's nothing we can do. No I know, but I still want to remember my son. Our son.

We tried for 2 years for our little boy. He is our first and we were over the moon when we fell pregnant. Pregnancy went fine up to the 20 week scan. Found out his kidneys had failed and he was dying. I was literally his life support.

Fast forward to 24 weeks and I couldn't feel him moving. We went to the hospital and his heart was skipping beats, he was going. I was induced and after 42 hours he was born. He lived for 2 hours and he was the most beautiful little boy I've ever had the honour to meet. I miss him so much. I'm so sorry he died like that I wish I could of helped him.

I called him Kai and I had him on Mother's Day 2013. It was horrible to have him on that day. What a slap in the face.

People don't understand. I don't cry about him to others but I don't want him forgot about either. He was here, he was alive. He is mine.

I had 2 miscarriages after and honestly thought for months it was because I let Kai down. I thought I was being punished for not helping him.

I can't stop thinking about him lately, Im 25 weeks with his sister and its all so bitter sweet. Even when we found out she's ok I still can't stop worrying and I feel so guilty that Kai isn't here with us. I miss him so much. I wanted him so much. I feel like I can't talk about him the way people look at me at change the subject. I don't cry and weep on people I just want him to be remembered.

Sorry that's all really long isn't it. I'm just feeling so sad these past weeks xx

Morning girls xx

Excited - so sorry to hear your story. Hope everything goes very well for the rest of your pregnancy. There is no death so sad as that of a child.

Sadly this thread has been around for about 7 years. It has been, at times, my lifeline.

excited i'm so sorry to hear your story. As you say you're currently expecting again, the angels and rainbows thread on here may be of some support to you (as well as this one of course). I'm on the angels and rainbows thread as currently TTC our rainbow baby after losing Ben in April. It's perfectly understandable that you will worry after what you've been through, but be kind to yourself, and don't allow anyone to make you feel like you can't talk about Kai- as you say he's your son xx