Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Well I learnt a good lesson today. I was so busy at work I took a quick break to catch up on this thread and found myself in tears at all the beautiful posts and sad stories shared since I last posted. Now I know why I don't MN at work!

Cathpip - I can not believe it is already 6 months since little Pip passed. I remember the start of your thread like it was yesterday.

I know what you mean about your children reminding you of your loved one. My youngest DS giggles like my DD and I tape it so I can remember in years to come. As he grows older it is changing.

To all others my thoughts are with you.

Cathpip - it's not like you're not busy right now my darling, don't you dare apologise for forgetting, you were the only friend who sent us a card! Remember that.

I can't bear to think of the pain you must be feeling having to pack Pips things away.......... I know we've talked about your plans for her things in the new place but still.......... Big Hugs for you right now xxx

Mojito - Me too, it's been a long time since I've posted or read these wonderful threads, I post each September 28th about the boys and having just read some of the other posts has made my mascara dribble onto my top so I'm now having to get changed to go and get Nemo from school.

I will catch up more....... I have counselling on Thursday, the doctor is coming her. He's a psychiatrist I've seen before according to my GP. I don't remember him. I think he was put in one of the many locked boxes I hold deep at the back of my mind, where no-one can see them, so I can't accidentally open them.....

Back soon, xxx

Evening all.

BBC1 at 8.30pm should be avoided for those who have suffered the horrific sadness of delivering a darling, sleeping angel. Or a loss. The pain is immeasurable.

It's about the chances of reducing the risk of this happening, clinically, by hundreds each year.

Just a warning for those who haven't seen it advertised.

xxx

mouse, how considerate of you to warn people. I missed the programme but did want to watch it despite Ben being born asleep. I suppose some people may think i'm pouring salt in the wound so to speak, but it may help me make some sense of things xx

Dear ladies - I have just finished watching tonight's Panorama. I know many of you have lost babies in pregnancy and those children were very much in my mind as I watched as well as the two daughters of friends who I will never meet on this earth. I found the programme hopeful - because there are interventions that seem like they could make a difference - but also infuriating because why aren't we doing more NOW. I have perhaps more insight than man,y because of my job, in to the economics and responsibilities involved in new practice in healthcare and I would still shout from the rooftops 'do more NOW'
For any ladies who have undergone a stillbirth and are now pregnant again I would recommend it as a watch because it does give some very clear information about interventions that personally I would be demanding were I pregnant following a loss.

Helena - I did see some of it, about the midwife led unit, doing a simple plotting chart using a tape measure, something that costs pence......

She was monitoring the growth of the baby, plotting a chart, , checking that the baby was the size that he/she should have been but not only that, they took into consideration the ethnic origin, something that I had not heard of before.

The rest I couldn't cope with. I hope you are all as well as you can be today. x

Yes that's right - the chart was created using software which personalises a growth chart given your height, weight and ethnicity (plus age?) at the time of booking in. Then they measure the growth of the bump against the personalised chart. The theory is that gives a more accurate indication of which pregnancies are running in to growth issues. A very simple idea and costs 50p per pregnancy. I don't see how any commissioner can justify not spending that tbh.

DON'T GET ME STARTED!!!

You'd think as one of the richest countries in the world, 50p per pregnancy is a drop in the ocean when the government are willing to shell out thousands for shit no-one wants or needs, and gets involved in wars that are frick all to do with us...

How about saving OUR babies? I bet any pregnant women would pay at least 50p to have the additional testing done! I know I would have done. It might not have stopped me losing my boys but still, maybe we would have known a lot more, a lot sooner?

The momentum is building for that sort of change. Our stillbirth rate is an international disgrace. Things will change. The programme also discussed the benefits of increased Doppler flow scanning. I reckon that will be a harder 'sell' because it does involve more hospital appointments, more 'intervention' in terms of scans etc. The beauty of the personalised chart is it refines something which is a standard and non-invasive part of antenatal care already.

Iam i've been told about the increase in care (scans/midwife appointments) i'd receive during another pregnancy, and while i accept that personally i'm not sure it would make me feel any more reassurred as Ben was an active baby (he was kicking lumps out of me the night before the contractions started.)

What a lovely name Ben is Good choice.

There's a difference, isn't there, between additional contacts etc for reassurance and additional contacts which have been proved to improve outcomes. What I got from last night's programme was very much a sense that whilst increased monitoring is being given to 'high risk' mums - and a previous loss would automatically put a mum in that group - there is not enough known about which 'low risk' women are actually carrying pregnancies which are at risk of compromise.

I have recorded the programme but haven't watched it yet. I do understand what you're saying though about the low-risk women.

Exactly! Midwives plot the growth now, but without the additional 'markers' if you see what I mean. I saw Anne Diamond and wept.

I know that she's getting on board with this, and the lives that she must have saved, simply buy getting women education on how to put their little ones to bed, after years of being told to put them on their tummies, cover them up well, put them in the middle of the cot, use bumper guards around the cot edges with ties on...... my blood runs cold thinking of all the things we were told to do.

I could go on for hours....... my brother almost died because he was face down in his cot. Luckily, my father had gone in to check on him when he had gone up to the loo. It doesn't bear thinking about.

Sorry, my post doesn't make sense between the above. xx

mouse that's exactly why Elliott slept next to our bed for so long and why when he was sleeping I was always in the room. Out of all 3 of my dc Elliott could roll over from 10 weeks but at this age could not lift his head up of his bedding or roll back onto his back. I was terrified that I would not hear him if he was in difficulty or find him not breathing.

cathpip - we had Nemo in SCBU for weeks, when he eventually came home, I had the crib right next to me.

I didn't sleep for that exact reason. He was a teeny, tiny wriggler! Even now! I go in several times a night to check his tube is tucked in his PJs, that he is not down at the bottom of the bed, too hot.

He's always been a hot baby/boy etc..... we try to keep his fan on him, it's terrifying. Especially after what you have been through..... I often wish I could wave a magic wand and change the things that have hurt us all. xxx

Thinking of you all today.

Morning girls xx

Went up to see Mum at the nursing home yesterday (go about 4 times a week). She was chatting away and then said 'You know what, when you think about it we have had a crap life!! (Mum never swears) 'Absolutly crap.....remember how excited we were when your boys came along? Then we lose two of them, then my Mum died, then your Dad was poorly and I think he has died as well Its a rotten life isin't it? When I die, and I hope Im not going to be far behind your Dad, I will look after your lads like I used to AND I will send you a lottery win!!'

Just held her while she cried.

Life is a crock isint it - sometimes?

Aw shabbs. Life definitely takes some strange and unexpected turns. I look at pictures of Paddy and sometimes it feels so unreal. After 21 years 5 months and 7 days of having him in my life and the 9 months I carried him it's so utterly abhorrent to think that that's the end of my Paddy.

Off to bed but reading here every day now. Love and light to you all, especially those who have huge transitions in their lives right now. xxx

Morning girls xx

The taxi driver who was killed yesterday is a local man - he works just a few miles from where we live. The atmosphere of anger and rage is frightening in our area. Lay in bed last night thinking about his parents and realised that no matter how old your child is - they are exactly that - 'your child'

I had this discussion with my dh when our neighbour came round to see me after Pippa died. She was moving to live with her dd to be the main carer as her dd is terminally ill. It doesn't matter how old your child is they are still your child......
We finally exchanged on our house sale, so all systems go for moving on Friday, which will be 6 months exactly since we lost Pippa. We have been slowly tackling her room and have decided on getting a large blanket box for the end of our bed to put all her treasured items in. I didn't want them in a box at the bottom of the wardrobe, it didn't feel right, at least now I won't feel like I'm packing her away.

Hugs for you cathpip. This will be another tough hurdle for you and your DH moving house. I have moved since losing my DD but can still picture the house we lived in when she was with us and everything about it with her in it. Sometimes it's a memory I can bear and sometimes not.

Mouse - take care. I can't imagine the burden you carry.

To all others I hope you are managing as best you can.

Yes, a very big hurdle for you cathpip. I moved house in May and found it terribly hard going to live in a house that hadn't had Paddy in it. I still do find it tough.

Sending love to you all.

Went to the shops today to start thinking about Christmas presents and also to but clothes for dc's as new season approaches. Had a moment when I stumbled on the Christmas decorations display. It always brings it home to me that DD isn't here for Christmas. Just that sinking feeling in the pit if your stomach as it hits you again.