Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Hi everybody. Hope you're ok. I've been very tired and not feeling fantastic for a couple of weeks.

The tree surgeons who Paddy worked with have been here for a few days doing some work and it's really hard having them around. I love them being here as they are wonderful people and are good friends, but when they're working it sounds like Paddy, they smell like him - a bit sweaty, cut trees, chainsaw oil, outdoors - it's a good smell, and they wear the same kit as him. They've also been working in our woods just above where Paddy spent three days cutting an enormous chestnut beam to go above the fireplace in our kitchen.... and it's like having him back. Very bitter-sweet.

I am keeping really busy doing stuff for the house and garden to try and get it all sorted out. I feel guilty that I'm able to function and do as much as I do manage. Keeping busy stops me just sitting and thinking, but when I'm working away or digging in the garden I find myself with tears rolling down my cheeks. No reason. Just because.

I know what you mean Lily - really do.

Bereavement of our child/children is exhausting, overwhelming, heart breaking and a thousand other words.

Let the tears flow love xxx

I agree Shabbs. It's all those things you say. I'm having a dip at the moment. It all just seems a bit too hard. The mask is heavy and I want to put it down but I can't as others need me to keep going. This burden is just too much at the moment.

The things you find out after you lose a child.....it's world sepsis awareness day. Sepsis is the uks second biggest killer at 37000 a year, but it's one of the hardest diseases to identify till it's nearly too late. Well too late for my daughter anyway.
I hope everyone is ok, my trip to see my sisters twins was cancelled because of illness, Yey! And the house move is going very slowly, but counselling has started, which is leaving me feeling lighter but emotionally and physically drained (Made the counsellor cry).
My eldest went back to school and at his first church service they sang the first song from Pippas funeral, one more step along the world we go, which he remembered, as did the vicar. I'm glad I managed to stay instead of fleeing, hearing 95 school children singing it sounds so beautiful. Xx

You are amazing cathpip. We are here for you.

I admire your strength cathpip. It's a beautiful song and always makes me cry too. (Bit tricky if I'm leading assembly in school).

Hi, can I join? My son died by suicide aged 15 in December last year. It's been very hard but I have made a lovely friend from this site (you know who you are Lily!). I don't have anything in particular to say, just want to be amongst like minded people xx

Hello LousterTheRooster. How lovely you've found us, but so sorry you need to be here too. A very sad welcome (stolen words, but they work). I hope you find this thread as comforting as I do.

Welcome Louster but so sorry you had to find us. This thread has been going for quite a few years now - and I think that we have all helped each other so much. If you want to, tell us about your lad. I lost one of my twin boys (aged 7 months) 32 years ago (congenital heart defects) and then 22 years ago my nearly 8 year old DS3 was knocked down and killed by a reversing lorry. Not a day passes without them popping into my mind and heart xxxx

Hello louster, am very sorry that you have to join us. I lost my 3 year old daughter in April to sepsis after she contracted bacterial pneumonia. This thread has helped me through some desperately dark days, I hope it will be as helpful for you at this unbearable time. Xx

Hi ladies and thank you for the warm welcome :) Shabbs and Cathpip, I'm so very sorry about your children and of course Paddy too Lily (but you know that).

I've lurked over here for quite a while, finally feel (sort of) ready to join in.

Louis was like any other 15 year old boy. Loved his gaming, loved anything DC/Marvel, he had a handful of very close friends but wasn't particularly outgoing. Very kind hearted and generous. My husband and I went out for lunch with friends one day and did a bit of shopping on the way home. It was two weeks before Christmas last year so we were doing the last bits. We arrived home at 6.30 with his dinner but couldn't find him, his room was in darkness. I looked around the house, in the other kids bedrooms etc but still no sign. I went back into his room, the only place I hadn't looked was his bathroom as the light was off in there too. I put the light on and opened the door and saw his feet. I can't tell you what was going through my head at that moment, wondering if he'd fallen asleep there or slipped and banged his head. It was the hardest thing I've done, summoning up the strength to look behind the door, and there he was, he'd hung himself from the towel rail. Cue panic and screaming, I tried to lift him but I knew he was gone. My husband cut him down and I just lay there with him for the next half an hour or so, waiting for the bloody paramedics to arrive, talking to him, crying, kissing him, holding him, pleading with him to wake up. And that was it, my beautiful boy, gone from our lives forever. After the paramedics and police arrived we sat outside for the next 6 hours while forensics etc did their stuff, trying to make sense of it all. Fortunately, my eldest son was in the UK (we live in Abu Dhabi, UAE) and my two younger children were on a sleepover, I'm so glad they weren't here.

Louis never showed any signs of being depressed (something I've since found out is very common) and he never opened up to us as to how he was feeling, even though he'd always known that he could talk to us about anything.

Anyway, I've babbled on for long enough, it feels good to write that down though. I shall be keeping an eye on this thread. Thank you again xx

Oh Louis sounds like a brilliant lad.....your description reminds me of my DS4 who is 17 - they share the same interests and your description of Louis' character is like my Toms.

I am so sorry for you and your DH - and so sorry for Louis. Sat here with snotty tears. I am so glad you have come to find us - we all help each other out here....we cant 'solve' the loss of our child/children but we can support each other - some of us are much further down the line of grief. When I read your post it made my heart jump because I sadly 'know' the shock, fear, and heart wrenching sorrow.

Sending my and my familys love to you and yours xxx

Oh Louster. We understand your heartbreak and that awful gut-wrenching moment of fear and shock. Your heart-rending post brings back the moments I found out Paddy had died. My oldest son had the unimaginable job of telling me his brother was dead. Sometimes it still feels unreal.

Sending big hugs to you and all my MN friends. XXXX (very un-mumsnetty but necessary).

Louster - so very sorry you have had to endure the heartbreak of losing a child. You had me in tears as like others it took me straight back to those moments I held my DD at the most terrible time of all. I hope you find the same comfort and support I have on here.

Louster so sorry you find yourself here, and a warm but sad welcome. Louis sounds like a lovely lad, sending love to you and your family.

Well, Ben sent me another butterfly this morning- and it scared the hell out of me! Myself and DH were getting DD and DS1 ready for school and DS1 suddenly says theres a butterfly and points at my bedroom window. Sure enough there was a red admiral. I won't repeat what escaped my mouth in shock.

Waves to all you lovely ladies xx

I was stopped in my tracks on Friday by a red admiral sat on Pippas window sill, I had been thinking of her all day, it certainly took my breath away.

Good morning and thank you all for the welcome :)

I've had a difficult couple of days, just tearful and lethargic, but I feel a bit brighter today. I'm up and dressed and have a few work related things to do which will keep me occupied for a while.

In the 6 1/2 years I've lived in AD I've only ever seen 2 butterflies, years ago. I have loads of plants on my patio, it would be lovely to see some colorful butterflies amongst them.

louster in the 6 years We have lived in our house we have never had a butterfly in the house. Since Pippas death nearly 6 months ago we have had 17 in the house, I like to think it's her, she liked them so much.

Cathpip - I think the same of my DD when I see a butterfly and I think those little moments are to be treasured.

Louster - I believe (may be incorrect) that you see butterflies only at certain temperatures and over 22 degrees Celsius is too hot for them. That may be why you don't.

I'm hoping some of you ladies can help me answer a question that is in my head. I was at the Drs this week feeling low and wanting a top up on my medication. He is an odd Dr who I try not to see generally but in discussion about how life is at the moment he essentially asked me if I wanted to feel this way. I was pretty low at the time of seeing him I must say. I explained that I do live life and don't hide away but at the same time I don't expect this empty and partly numb feeling to ever go away. I think this is my lot in life and even though I'm not craving the end at the same time I will have no problem when it eventually comes.

Is this normal. Does that hole you feel exist forever?

Yes mojito, well for me it does. When I last spoke with my dr at my 6 week post natal check she asked me how I was, my words were "I want to see my grandchildren, I really do, but, if you told me that tomorrow I would die I would not care, or be frightened as then I get to see my little girl again". I still feel that way, there is a huge hole in my life, one I know that will never be filled....

Thanks Cathpip. What you said summed up exactly how I feel.

Morning girls.

Mojito - yes I think that incomplete, weird, lost, feeling does last forever. 32 and 22 years since my boys died but there are still times that raw emotion overwhelms me. It has been worse since my wonderful Dad died in April. I dont think we would be human if we didn't feel that sorrow.

xxx

Triumph - hugs for you and for your DD on her birthday. May she remain in the hearts and minds of those that truly adored her.

Triumph - I always find that the build up to 'the day' is harder than the actual day - if that makes any sense at all.

Happy Birthday to your precious DD - sending my families love to you and your family xxxx