Our special thread where we can be who we are. A thread to remember our children who are no longer physically here. Our 'safe haven.'

[shabbs]

United we stand.....divided we fall. My love to all of you - a place to remember our precious children and to help each other walking this 'crappy path.'

Morning girls xx

Morning girls.
I've been lying low for a while. It was Paddy's first anniversary on the 10th and I just haven't had the energy to post... or even lurk. Today marks the day we actually said our last goodbyes to him. His funeral was a wonderful celebration of his too-short life.

I am at our home in France and am surrounded by reminders and memories of my darling boy. It's very hard.

Hope you're all doing ok.

as it's too early for

Lily i just wanted to say you and your family are in my thoughts x

Lilly - sending my love and thoughts to you and all your family.

xxxxx

Thank you girls.

Today I have replaced sad with fury. Fucking in-laws haven't bothered to call my DH (or us) to remember our DS or see if he's ok, or how we're doing (yet again). They are utterly shiteful.

Can you believe that grandparents don't even remember the anniversary of the death of a grandchild? Un-be-fucking-lievable. It would be really lovely if my DH could think he had some sort of support of care from his family. My family have been fantastic.

Lily sorry to hear of the non-communication form your in-laws. I get where you're coming from regarding grandparents remembering the anniversary. If i'm honest i'm not expecting my dad to remember Ben's anniversary next year- or my mum come to think of it at least i have good friends who will be there for me and DH.

I hope life is being gentle to all x

Lily - I know 'fury' and to be honest sometimes fury is a great thing. My in laws never ever commented on my boys - never, ever.

Matt shared the same birthday with their 'favourite' son (oh yes 'favourite son' - and it wasn't my DH) but they never commemerated Matts birthday when he was alive or after he died.

Some people dont get it, some people are terrified of the thought that a baby/child died, some people say they have no idea what to say in case they upset the family......for now, let your fury run!!

xxxx

I had my first family get together with dh's side of the family a couple of weeks back, Pippas name not mentioned all day, we were not asked how we were, oh and the obligatory tumbleweed moment when we walked through the door. Disrespectful quite frankly, dh trying to make excuses about them being too upset to talk about Pippa but personally I just think it's fucking rude! They had better not forget her birthday or anniversary........ Hoe life is being easier on everyone at the moment. Xx

I know exactly what you went through cathpip and sad to say, it was the same for us. We took 2 days out of my DH's precious Christmas leave to drive to visit his family. Not one of them mentioned Paddy nor asked how we or his brothers were doing. There were no pictures of him and it was as if he'd never existed. The finally called 10 days after his birthday but haven't called at all for his anniversary. Bastards. There is no way AT FUCKING ALL that I'm going to give up precious time with my DH for visiting and as for cards, presents etc. Nope! Why should I use my time and energy for them? I'm so upset for my DH that his family are so rubbish.

I'm going to have a lovely day in the garden with my youngest DS (21) doing a big fat nothing. Just chilling out and reading. Nice gentle day for us both.
Hope you all have a peaceful day too. XX

Thanks shabbs. I'm sorry you had to go through this as well. I just don't understand how some people think they can make you feel worse by NOT mentioning your child's name. Do they think if they don't say anything we'll just "forget" and then feel better? Or are they so insensitive and unfeeling that they just don't bother?

Why is it always the in-laws?

Morning girls.

Feels like a Winters day here.....dark grey skies, windy and really cold. Am not looking forward to Winter. Am also NOT puting the heating on in August

Hope everybody is OK xx

Two years ago today my mum passed away very suddenly from a heart attack, it's been crap today and dh has been so swept up in his own grief that he has forgotten. Roll on tomorrow.....

My thoughts are with you cathpip

Sending you a big hug cathpip.

Thinking of you tonight Cathpip - the loss of my Dad has knocked me for six so I have a good idea how you must be feeling. Sending my love to you and your family tonight xxxx

Big hug for you too shabbs. xxx

Really not a good week..... Tomorrow my twin sister has her twins, two little girls...... I am happy for her really I am but, it's not fair, and I hate thinking like this but why does she get two when I have lost my only one. I know it's selfish of me but it's how I feel.

Hello everyone

Cathpip I don't think your feelings are selfish. Just a feeling that why can't we have what most people have. I find it hard seeing large families in the park and have a particular difficulty with families with 3 children as that should be us.

Sorry to hear so many ILs have behaved badly.

I am saddened by how little DS2 is mentioned, even by family who knew him well. DH and I say that we want him mentioned so it doesn't feel like he is forgotten, but then get told 'but we didn't want to upset you'.

Hi everybody.

You're right Cathpip. I felt intensely jealous of a friend when I saw her shopping with her son, and when I was doing some errands with my DH we stopped for coffee. A lady with her son about the same ages as me and Paddy came in..... I started crying. A ridiculous over-reaction I know.

I just don't understand how some people think that not mentioning our darling children is better, and how they think they can upset us by doing so. Do they not realise that for us the worst has already happened and they are just twisting the knife.

I found this on somebody else's thread and have shamelessly copied and pasted. Describes me in so many ways, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Difficult Company

Hold me close and go away
Please visit me and please don’t stay
Talk to me but please don’t speak
I need you NOW – come back next week.

Emotions muddled, needs unknown
To be with others or on my own?
To scream out loud? To rant and shout?
Or hide away and push you out?

I smile at you – “She’s not that bad”
I shout at you – “She’s going mad”
I speak to you – “What do I say?”
I show my tears – “Quick, walk away”

It’s not catching, the grief I feel
I can’t pretend that it’s not real
I carry on as best I know
But this pain inside just won’t go.

So true friends, please, accept the lot
I shout, I cry, I lose the plot
I don’t know what I need today
So hold me close and go away

Morning girls.

Lily I have never seen that poem before - it is 100 per cent correct xx

Can you hear that???? Grandson back in school and Tom back at college after 10 weeks of Summer holidays??? Very quiet and quite magnificent LOL.

Morning girls - hope everybody is OK xx

Morning all.

Cathpip, so many things each day make it hard to carry the burden you have. It's a heavy load. Just remember to take care of yourself and do what feels right for you. It will be even more difficult with a newborn as they require so much time. I hope you can carve out moments just for yourself to remember your beautiful girl. I found it hard to think about my happy memories of DD in those early months but over time they are easier to have and replace the nightmare thoughts I was having.

I hope all the rest of you are getting on as best you can. School is just starting for you all and here we are moving closer to the end of our school year. Spring is on the way for us and we had a lovely warm day today. Mind you I miss autumn in England as it was always my favourite season.

Lily, that poem captures the reality of what we live with perfectly.

I forgot to say I had a niece arrive into the world only a few months after the loss if my DD. I cried on the way home from the hospital after my first visit with her but I love her so deeply and maybe just that little bit more because she is now my link to little girls and is a tomboy just like my DD. It's hard seeing others have what has been taken away from you but I do hope you find joy and love in your new nieces cathpip.

Morning girls - hope everyone is OK xxx